A Tainted Rescue (1033 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.93 on 14 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by SausageKing (View user info) at 2004-02-26 02:45:14 EST
My friends went on my yearly tubing trip to the B.C. interior last summer. For those who don't know what tubing is, it is basically floating down a river on an inner tube all the while drinking large amounts of beer. It is fairly relaxing until you hit rapids and your beer can fills with water, or your inner tube gets a leak and you sink and get battered against the rocks. Most years at least one person comes close to drowning.
Any ways, we started at this area in the river which is a little provincial park off the main highway called 'Bromley Rock'. There is a nice little sandy beach there, and the river has widened into a nice slow and shallow bend. Tourists stop here to splash around in the water for a while to cool off, and since it was a particularly hot day there were a lot of them.
Some of my friends decided that they wanted to do a bit of cliff jumping before we started our tubing run. I had about six beers in me at that point already, so I thought that scaling a 50 foot high cliff and jumping into the water might not be the safest thing to do. My brother agreed with me, so we waded out into the middle of the bend to drink beer and watch our friends kill themselves.
Just then, a couple of little girls waded out just in front of us, headed towards the other side of the river. They were probably about 6 and 10 years old or so, and they had these cute little English accents, so I assumed they were tourists. I didn't think too much more about it at the time because we had to goad our friends into jumping off the cliff.
Suddenly, I heard kind of a panicked sound and then my brother grabbed me and pointed out that the two little girls who had waded out in front of us were drowning. They had gone too far in the river and were now caught in the fast-moving deep section and being bashed against a cliff wall. They were clinging on to each other and kind of bobbing under for a few moments, then coming back up for some air. They were also quickly headed towards the rapids, which would definitely not be good.
I then said in the immortal words of all would-be rescuers: "Hold my beer!", and dove in. The girl's father must have seen them in trouble as well, because as I saw him splashing towards them. We met in the water by the two girls and he said to me in a limey accent, "I'll take the big one and you take the small one."
So I grab the 6 year old girl and I start kicking back to shore. Even though I had six beers in me, I am a good swimmer and the girl wasn't very big and she wasn't struggling or anything so it was not very difficult.
One of my friends who was standing on top of the cliff jumping rock and who at this point in time did not know about the drama unfolding beneath him jokingly yelled out, "Hey Ryan didn't you just get out of jail for that?" Ha ha. Real amusing, I thought.
I finally reached the shore and carried the little girl up to the father who had already arrived with his older daughter. I handed the smaller girl her off to him, and he kind of had a funny look on his face and said, "Thanks mate" and that was it.
Hmmmmm, I thought, that is a bit odd. I just saved his daughter from drowning and all I get is a forced 'Thanks Mate'. Not even a handshake. Oh well, whatever. It's not like I did it for any reward or anything, Well it was time to get back to my beer, which was waiting for me in my brother's hands.
I swam back to my friends who were all standing on the other side of the river. By this time everyone knew what had happened and I was getting the 'congratulations' and 'way to go man!' as I swam over. That was more like it!
I climbed out of the water and instantly my brother says to me, "Hey Ryan your sausage is totally hanging out". I looked down and sure enough, the fly on my shorts had come down and my sausage was indeed fully and completely hanging out. I quickly zipped up and instantly understood the lukewarm response I had gotten from the father for rescuing his kid. He had seen my dong as I passed the girl off to him, so instead of being a heroic rescuer, I was a some sort of child-molesting pervert. I am sure my buddy yelling out his comment from the cliff didn't help either.
For next summer, my shorts will be the kind without a fly.
User Reviews
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2004-08-04 08:30:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Envenom (user info) at 2004-08-04 08:18:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
WOooooooooo BC!
Submitted by Melany (user info) at 2004-03-26 23:27:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hehe.
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2004-03-01 14:04:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Mr.Bungle (user info) at 2004-02-26 15:02:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
All hail Abe Frohman!
Submitted by William_Q_Percy (user info) at 2004-02-26 14:25:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You really are the king of sausage
Submitted by distressedjester (user info) at 2004-02-26 13:20:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hahaha
he said taint.
Submitted by quack (user info) at 2004-02-26 11:24:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hahaha, didn't you just get out of jail for that?
awesome. me too.
wait. what?!
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-02-26 10:16:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Every once in a while is it good to rock-out with your cock-out.
Submitted by Lyric (user info) at 2004-02-26 04:02:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hilarious!
I'd rate higher just for the shoutout to the B.C. interior. Tubing is one of the best summer pasttimes ever.
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2004-02-26 03:58:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ouch.
I wish I could come up with some sort of witty remark about that, but man.... I am so sorry for you.
Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2004-02-26 03:17:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good first post
Submitted by Aladiin (user info) at 2004-02-26 03:06:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fantastic !
Awesome, I love it
Submitted by Falco (user info) at 2004-02-26 02:55:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice Post, good story, it's always good to hang out with yer wang out.