Loren suffers from foot in mouth disease (1113 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.72 on 35 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Razor <Jeremy_21117.at.hotmail.com> (View user info) at 2004-02-26 14:23:22 EST
Last weekend we had a little mini-Ubercon at my apartment.
Nicole came down from Boston, Loren came down from New York, Judoka came up from Virginia, Jonukah and SpikeGoddess came from Maryland, and of course Firefly and I were there.
So... Saturday night we go out to dinner. There's a really good Indian restaurant in Columbia, MD called the Mango Grove - if you like Indian and happen to be in Maryland it's worth getting over there.
Columbia is a very rich and very snobby city. Abercrombie and Fitch executives have wet dreams about this place. BMW would probably lose money if not for Columbia, MD.
Loren, Judoka, and myself are outside having a smoke when we get into a conversation about the stock market and investing. Now, I dated a girl who lived in the West Village in Manhattan once, and eventually I got to wondering about how she could afford the place. Turns out her parents had invested in Microsoft and were rich, but I never got to telling the end of the story.
Because Loren was pretty sure she knew how it was going to end. She thought that when I asked this ex-girlfriend how she could afford this place, I was going to get a very different answer. So she jumped in with
"I'm a hooker."
Right as she said it (very loudly) a group of people opened the door to the restaurant as they were leaving.
Picture it from their perspective.
They don't understand about Uber. They can't see the common thread that puts us in the same company. All they see is a very well dressed woman with decorated eyebrows and good makeup standing outside of a restaurant talking to two swarthy Jewish guys who look like pretty much the exact opposite of the metrosexuals she would be hanging around.
They knew there had to be a story there somewhere. It's the kind of instinct you have when you see a group of mismatched people.
But they didn't have to ponder it... Loren explained it. "I'm a hooker."
The looks she got from those people I will treasure for the rest of my life. They brushed by us as quickly as they possibly could, heads down, looking anywhere but at the three of us.
Loren recovered though, with the typical quick thinking that she has. I think this is what she said:
"I mean... I'm not... You realize... Oh fuck it, I'm glad I don't live in this city."
---
On a completely unrelated note, here's a photo Nicole took of Loren's hellspawn about to turn my daughter into a werechihuaua:
User Reviews
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-09-15 16:45:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I can just hear an eastern accent saying, "I'm a hookah."
Submitted by ICO (user info) at 2004-09-15 16:39:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I can just picture it, which either means I have some imagination, or that you describe it well. the former is impossible, so nice writing! cute pic too.
Submitted by bart (user info) at 2004-04-21 04:43:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I missed this originally... that's hilarious.
Submitted by mystiamoon (user info) at 2004-04-21 04:14:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
heh
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2004-02-26 20:15:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Quartermain (user info) at 2004-02-26 20:10:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Loren's dog looks like the dog from 'The Omen.'
I wish I had a nickel for every time someone has come into a conversation just in time to hear me say something that sounds really bad out of context.
Submitted by chipolatte (user info) at 2004-02-26 19:41:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
One time me, a few friends, and one of those friends' dad went to the movies. After buying the tickets, we went inside and walked over to the ticket-taker. The guy's dad started playing with the tickets, doing fake "magic" tricks with them, hiding them in his hands or something. We were bemused though I was sondering why he was acting so goofy. The ticket-taker guy was about 24, nearly bald with thin whisps of blond hair. He looked a little freaked out about the whole ticket-magic-playing thing. So I fake whispered to him with my hand on one side of my mouth, as if talking only to him and not the dad or my friends "Don't worry, he has DOWN-SYNDROME". The guy didn't say anything, just turned his head at the floor and took our tickets. None of my friends made a sound. i knew as soon as I had said it that probably "down-syndrome" was pushing it, but I didn't htink it was that big a deal. Once we were far enough away they all hit me and informed me that the guy obviously had something mentally wrong with him. That's why the guy's dad had been playing with the tickets in an amusing fashion. I asked them "Did he understand my joke?" They hit me again and yelled that he had obviously been deeply, deeply, offended. I looked over and thought he might have been crying. We went to the refreshment line, and I said something to the effect of "Man, I feel bad about offending that stupid 'tard." I looked up and there, staring at me from behind the popcorn maker was a deeply, deeply offended retarded girl.
Foot in mouth, indeed.
Submitted by Phinch (user info) at 2004-02-26 17:27:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
your daughter looks like she's sneaking up on loren's dog to attack it.
Submitted by ThatOneGirl (user info) at 2004-02-26 17:26:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice.
The dog looks otherworldly.
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2004-02-26 17:25:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Judoka (user info) at 2004-02-26 17:23:34 (#)
Ranking: 0
Its not that I spoke softly, its that Loren was loud.
------
HAHAHA so true.
Submitted by Judoka (user info) at 2004-02-26 17:23:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Its not that I spoke softly, its that Loren was loud.
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2004-02-26 17:17:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Mmm... curry beef stick...
Submitted by Loren1 (user info) at 2004-02-26 17:03:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Most people act like assholes on Uber in the beginning, why should kai070169 (stupid handle) be any different?
I bet he/she gets all excited when they think they wrote something so "cutting and witty" as the brilliance a few messages down.
Go choke on a curry beef stick, O-kai?
Submitted by kai070169 (user info) at 2004-02-26 16:52:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Mmmm Razor is thinking about me again... no wonder my ass is feeling hot! Stop it!
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2004-02-26 16:44:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Everything you ever wanted to know about kai070169
User id: 5620
Registered on or around: 2004-02-03 00:34:52
# Messages posted: 10
# Reviews written: 93
# Times these posts have been reviewed : 112
# Hits: 2717
Average rating of all messages: -0.19
Submitted by Phinch (user info) at 2004-02-26 16:41:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hmmm....(must not photoshop at work. Must resist. Must do work.)
Submitted by lucid (user info) at 2004-02-26 16:37:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Classic. Too bad there's no reaction photo from the patrons.
Submitted by Kristen (user info) at 2004-02-26 16:32:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for LITTLE, CHUBBY BABY THIGHS!!!
Ugh. I felt like Michael Jackson writing that. But really, you have to love those adorable legs.
Submitted by ohlookasquirrel (user info) at 2004-02-26 16:25:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I've been to the Mango Grove, when I went to a wedding in Maryland of two organic farmers.
Fake hookers always make for good times. No, this isn't going to be a reply that has a lot of spaces and a what at the bottom. Fine, I'll indulge myself.
what?
Submitted by yidele (user info) at 2004-02-26 15:59:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
funee....decorated eyebrows. Hooker, shmooker.
"So, what are you making a fuss?
Some bury, some burn, I ate"
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2004-02-26 15:35:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Tehee.
Submitted by kai070169 (user info) at 2004-02-26 15:30:20 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
If vomit could be digitally encoded, this post is what it would look like. People who eat at Indian restaurants should be ignored always.
Submitted by LacyFace16 (user info) at 2004-02-26 15:28:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
hahaha.
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2004-02-26 15:18:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
The thing is Judoka, you said it quietly.
They all heard Loren loud and clear.
Submitted by antluvdog (user info) at 2004-02-26 15:18:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm a male hooker.
I play rugby.
Submitted by Judoka (user info) at 2004-02-26 15:11:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I guess we are both whores.
Submitted by Nicole3 (user info) at 2004-02-26 15:01:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Belle really does look evil there. Normally she just looks like a huge butterball with ears. I really wish I could have gotten the pic of Annie drinking out of the bowl.
Submitted by Loren1 (user info) at 2004-02-26 14:52:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You suck! Ahahahahaha. Ahhh well. Like you said, fuck it. I don't live there. But if I ever did move there, I may have a job waiting for me with an established customer base, and that's a good thing, no?
Goddamn.
Submitted by William_Q_Percy (user info) at 2004-02-26 14:45:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Are you in a fucking bad mood today or what, Matt?
Submitted by potatomanjack (user info) at 2004-02-26 14:45:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HA!
Submitted by Lyric (user info) at 2004-02-26 14:45:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That is hilarious!
And yes... that dog looks rather possessed.
Submitted by reallybored (user info) at 2004-02-26 14:39:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
You kid has some fucking red feet. You should probably get that checked out.
Submitted by Kracka (user info) at 2004-02-26 14:35:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Mac (user info) at 2004-02-26 14:32:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
MiniUberCon? Why wasn't I told of this? I feel so left out. *sniffle*
No really, that's a good story. I've been there myself many times- not with the hooker thing exactly...well, yes, with the hooker thing exactly. Who are you to judge me?
Submitted by William_Q_Percy (user info) at 2004-02-26 14:28:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment