Oh God, Its Puberty (1376 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 1.08 on 43 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Amusediniraq (View user info) at 2004-02-28 11:42:01 EST
Oh God, Its Puberty
So I call home today because I miss my family and all, and it turns out my daughter's school is in the middle of their sexual education block. Not the "ins ands outs" that every pubescent male looks forward to but the basic "life changes" they are to expect. Very Judy Bloom I am sure.
My wife tells me that the big news my daughter brought home was the fact that boys have wet dreams. I am silent. There is a small burning feeling in the pit of my stomach. Very nice, I think. I was probably fourteen or fifteen when I discovered this phenomenon when I woke up in a cold wet spot. My daughter is eleven years old. She will never ever experience first hand a nocturnal emission, why oh why does the school feel the need to educate my daughter on this little tidbit of adolescent trivia. Will it help equip her to cope with the up coming challenges and changes in her life? I am not sure it will. Besides, I am not ready for my little girl to be this grown up. Can't I just lock her in the basement and let her out sometime in her early 30's when its time to meet her husband my wife and I carefully chose for her?
Ok, I tell myself to calm down. I start my relaxation breathing exercises. I focus on my happy place, my pulse starts slow down to somewhere in the 150's. My throat is dry, I manage a smile (albeit not a sincere one), and continue the conversation with my wife. I continue to hear how the girls got to see a tampon and ask questions. My daughter got on the phone and tells me how the actors in the school movie were bad, that it appeared that they were all on the verge of bursting out into song or laughter or something, anything other than the script they were talking about. My daughter assures me that she "already knew all this stuff anyway...well most of it...(explosive eleven year old girl laugh)..BOYS GOSH BOSH SSSSSP TOO!..."
"What?"
"Oh Nothing. (tee hee hee)"
"No really, I couldn't understand what you said."
"Nothing, never mind."
"Its OK, you can tell me, what did you say?"
"Nothing...I gotta go to basketball now. Bye, I love you, here's Mom."
My wife picks up the phone. "She said, Boys get bigger and bigger too."
That's not so bad, I think....
Then it hits me. She was talking about an erection.
I think I'll stay in Iraq where it is safe.
User Reviews
Submitted by Lisa (user info) at 2004-03-02 16:40:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
It's just puberty. It's not like your 11-year-old daughter could run out, have sex with a sixth grade stud, and make you a grandfather.
Oh, wait... Hey, buddy, have a nice time in Iraq.
Submitted by Dazd1 (user info) at 2004-03-02 16:33:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I wish I would have had sex ed in school that way I wouldnt have had to learn about it behind the locker room with the girl that did the entire football team.
Submitted by Whiskey_Sour (user info) at 2004-03-01 12:22:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I have no clout on here I realize.
But mannnn I really HATE squattail. There
was no reason to -2 this post.
Submitted by whataefag (user info) at 2004-03-01 11:48:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I wish I would've had her lessons in sex ed. They just taught us about the female anatomy and I'm still not sure if I could locate the clit if necessary.
Well, sorry you can't be here to knock down the PTA doors ... stay safe in Iraq!
Submitted by Heimdallsman (user info) at 2004-02-29 16:21:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yeah, that would be "our" daughter... jeez.
--HeimdallsMan
Submitted by Heimdallsman (user info) at 2004-02-29 16:20:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Worst day in my life:
My wife (looking out the window): "My God, out daughter's standing in the driveway, and she's kissing some guy!"
It only gets worse, amused. Prepare yourself.
--HeimdallsMan
Submitted by xtrax (user info) at 2004-02-29 15:26:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh, by the way, this was in Norway. Doesn't know if that makes any difference, but it was worth mentioning.
Submitted by amusediniraq (user info) at 2004-02-29 15:23:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Thanks xtrax, I think?
Submitted by xtrax (user info) at 2004-02-29 15:21:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I heard on the news that 11 year old girls wear bracelets with different colors that has different meanings. One meant; If someone manage to rip this bracelet off I have to have oral sex with you, another color meant that they had to have intercourse with the one who ripped it of.
Some schools actually forbid their students to wear them.
So the world is really developing :)
Submitted by amusediniraq (user info) at 2004-02-29 15:11:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
hinkle,
Oh yeah, from your review and interpretation of my post I guess you are the one who is truely uptight.
Submitted by amusediniraq (user info) at 2004-02-29 15:09:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
hinkle,
You misunderstand my post. After a couple of serious posts, I was merely trying to make light of how fast my daughter is growing up. As a father and a parent I will always remember my daughter as the five year old who rode everywhere on my shoulders and a part of me will miss that little girl. I recognize the fact that what she is getting ready to go through is a normal right of passage and actually look forward to supporting her in this time of growth and discovery.
Submitted by bargled (user info) at 2004-02-29 12:15:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
whats an erection?!?!
Submitted by hinkle (user info) at 2004-02-29 12:08:04 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Dear lord. Why it certainly may not benefit her to know what a nocturnal emission or an erection is, what possible harm could it cause? It's a perfectly normal biological function. I would think any child should be much more disgusted and scarred by the fact that their crap is stuff they ate, and therefore crap is in everything they eat. That is valid logic to a child, I promise.
I could go into the whole überchristian sex-denial speech, but I really don't feel like pointing out that nocturnal emissions are for guys who aren't in touch with themselves. Really, now. -I- never had them.
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2004-02-29 11:12:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Why didn't I rate this when I read it? Dang...
Well, good work there.
Submitted by AnnabelLee (user info) at 2004-02-29 10:58:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh, poo on you. You're just like my dad was, always making a big deal over this sort of thing.
No, wait, my dad is/was an asshole. Sorry, nevermind.
Submitted by minifridge7 (user info) at 2004-02-28 23:59:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by jonukah (user info) at 2004-02-28 23:31:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You're going to be the type of girl's father that every boyfriend fears.
Good for you.
Submitted by Dragon (user info) at 2004-02-28 20:23:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Look at it this way, when you get out of Iraq, you might be able to sneak out your gun. Slaughter those bastards that are destroying your daughter's mind. Me, I would have just had a heart attack and died.
Submitted by jonukah (user info) at 2004-02-28 20:04:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You strike me as a very good father. Come home safe.
Submitted by Phinch (user info) at 2004-02-28 18:32:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
kinda heartwarming post there man.
Submitted by ThatOneGirl (user info) at 2004-02-28 15:40:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I still remember that back in the day, our teacher would bribe us with candy to answer questions and say "vagina" and "penis."
Dammit, why doesn't anyone give me candy anymore if I say "penis"???
Submitted by ohlookasquirrel (user info) at 2004-02-28 15:10:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"BOYS GOSH BOSH SSSSSP TOO!..."
I definetly talked like that when I was eleven. Hell, I still talk like that now.
Submitted by modusjoe (user info) at 2004-02-28 14:36:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I agree. I hate all those goddamn school programs that are supposed to educate people about life. Fuck them all.
Submitted by amusediniraq (user info) at 2004-02-28 14:26:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by KoolMang (user info) at 2004-02-28 14:22:11 (#)
Ranking: 0
Why did you even bother having a daughter when you're in the fucking military? That's one of the stupidest things you can do to her.
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You got this one in under my radar....where were you when I needed you the most?
Submitted by amusediniraq (user info) at 2004-02-28 14:24:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by KoolMang (user info) at 2004-02-28 12:12:26 (#)
Ranking: 0
No, its just I hate this Iraq dude, and if the fake squattail shits on a post I don't like, then all the better, right? And no, he's not me. I have high respect for the original squattail :)
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Actually, I am an American. I only live in Iraq.
You're the greatest, man!
Submitted by KoolMang (user info) at 2004-02-28 14:22:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Why did you even bother having a daughter when you're in the fucking military? That's one of the stupidest things you can do to her.
Submitted by virgil (user info) at 2004-02-28 13:23:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
neverhavingkidsneverhavingkidsneverhavingkids...
You have my deepest sympathy.
Submitted by KoolMang (user info) at 2004-02-28 12:32:07 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
No, loki. Cloths is cloth in the plural, and it sounds like cloth with an s at the end. Clothes is itself. You just suck :P.
Have a nice day.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2004-02-28 12:17:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
the "e" is silent when you spell it
:P
Submitted by KoolMang (user info) at 2004-02-28 12:12:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No, its just I hate this Iraq dude, and if the fake squattail shits on a post I don't like, then all the better, right? And no, he's not me. I have high respect for the original squattail :)
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2004-02-28 12:09:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"young lady you get right back upstairs and change cloths this very instant"
Why loki, is it her time of the month?
Change cloths, geddit?
Submitted by LacyFace16 (user info) at 2004-02-28 12:07:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I cannot imagine when i have kids and having to have these conversations!
That is too cute though. You're a good dad. I can tell.
Submitted by squattail (user info) at 2004-02-28 12:07:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I bet that fake squattail is you, Mr KoolMang
Submitted by KoolMang (user info) at 2004-02-28 12:04:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Good one fake squattail.
Submitted by Squatttail (user info) at 2004-02-28 12:02:05 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by Falconer (user info) at 2004-02-28 11:56:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by KoolMang (user info) at 2004-02-28 11:55:16 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
One more to make it neutral, because Kracka is clearly positive spamming, which is low. Make your point, and leave it.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2004-02-28 11:52:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This kind of thing makes me glad I don't have kids. That and I'm pretty sure that Abercrombie would turn me into my father.
"young lady you get right back upstairs and change cloths this very instant"
Amazing how easily that just rolls off the tongue isn't it?
The pre-teen girl faction at karate is making this one poor kid's life a nightmare. 'cause Matthew is so dreamy.
Submitted by Kracka (user info) at 2004-02-28 11:52:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
and one more for mang
Submitted by Kracka (user info) at 2004-02-28 11:51:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
to clear squattails crap
Submitted by Kracka (user info) at 2004-02-28 11:50:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i hope in life i never have to hear first hand what you went through.
Submitted by KoolMang (user info) at 2004-02-28 11:47:20 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Stay in Iraq. She needs an understanding MOTHER, who won't spank her daughter for exploring sex.
Submitted by squattail (user info) at 2004-02-28 11:44:34 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I wouldn't know.
I haven't reached that stage of life yet.
Fingers crossed.