Dungeons and Dial-up part 2: Because everyone loves sequels (531 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 2 on 3 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Al <revenge_of_the_killer_dustbin.at.hotmail.com> (View user info) at 2004-02-29 18:12:22 EST
Part one: http://www.ubersite.com/m/26064
------------------------------------------------------
Java couldn't sleep. The fucking minstrel even snored out of tune. In the morning he would be so knackered that he wouldn't even have the energy to summon a pop-up box, but who cared? It was still a two day walk to the castle grounds anyway. By then they'd probably have paid up and resubscripted that smarmy shit Norton anyway, and all he'd have to do was walk home. He could be as knackered as he wanted. He could be so knackered that he wouldn't even be able to notice those hooded figures until it was too late.
Oh fuck.
'Where the hell are we', moaned the minstrel as he was slung, barely awake, over the shoulder of one of the burly figures.
'Well, we are in fact, at the moment, completely safe, in the arms of friends sent by the king, who will give us food, water, and free porn .gifs.' replied Java, still rather cranky.
'Really?'
'No you fuckwit, the Goreites have got us.', spat Java angrily.
'Goreites? WTF?' said the minstrel, puzzled.
'They are a bizarre and stupid sect of programs who believe that a mystical figure named 'Gore Al' was responsible for the creation of the internet, and that unless they sacrifice to him every month, that he will send them all to the recycle bin.'
'Ah. So no chance of free porn then?'
'E.S.A.D!'
From a cavern somewhere in the hillside, Java glimpsed a towering fire, and heard the bizarre mumblings of yet more Goreites. Realizing he probably ought to escape, he pulled out the dagger that he kept in his over-sized novelty wizard cap, and shoved it into the neck of the Goreite carrying him. He let loose a low moan, monotonous even in death, and fell to the floor. Java quickly slipped on the Goreite's robes, and slung him over his shoulder.
Walking inside the rocky cavern, he saw bodies everywhere...they had all been corrupted by spyware.
'Nooooooooo!' Yelled the head Goreite (the one with the shiniest robes, and the most expensive jewellery)
'Noooooooo!' repeated all the other Goreites, still unable to shake the fact that they weren't in prayer.
'No you fuckwits, it's not a prayer, the whole fucking community have been hit by viruses! Now I won't get my payment!' Snapped the head, realizing his mistake a little too late. The outraged Goreites swarmed over him, screaming 'Liar! Traitor! Money grabbing betrayer of the Goreite cause!'
The minstrel had never seen anyone being screamed to death before. It was interesting, if a little grating on the ears. He decided he would probably write a song about it if he got out alive. Judging by the fact that they had just screamed the skin off their leader without a second thought, that was a pretty huge if. His thoughts were interrupted by someone tapping him violently on the shoulder.
'Listen to me' Java whispered, 'We have to escape from here, before those psychos get us!'
'Wha! Is that you under those robes?' replied the minsterel, astonished.
'No, it's Bill Gates. Of course it's me, we have to get out of here.'
'Look. It's o.k, they've just been destroyed!'
'Oh, ok then.'
'Yup'
'Wait...WHAT THE FUCK!'
Crushing the corpses of the Goreites under it's feet, a shadowy figure crept out from the darkness at the back of the cave.
'You...' Java growled.
'That's right' Replied KaZaA the dark wizard,'I have come for you!'
'You scumbag!' Java yelled, 'What have you become? Why have you become so corrupted by spyware and gay porn?'
'You moron! Do you have any idea of how much bad music i have been forced to download! To play?', KaZaA was livid with rage,'Fucking ENYA! That's what i had to sit through every day for the last 4 odd years!'
'Ah.'
'Can you imagine what it's like having to sit there and listen to that? It wasn't just Enya either. I've had Britney, Limp Bizkit and Korn all running through my veins! I can't take it anymore. I will no longer stand for this without tearing this entire universe a new arsehole. Have you any idea how much shit i have the power to install? Ha! I spit on your feeble programming! I will become immortal, and you, you have the honour of being my first duel. What say ye?'
Java and the minstrel were gone.
*******************************************************
Meanwhile, the king was feeling good. Being a king had its upsides and its downsides, and at the moment, it was definitely on an upside. Upside-down, chained to the ceiling to be exact. All this occured while gay porn spyware slowly tortured him. Yup, definitely better than that time he was tarred and feathered for not leaving enough memory for the latest shitty computer game. On the other hand, he got the feeling Cookie was about to do something particularly horrible to him. He wasn't sure why. Perhaps it was a subconcious inkling, buried deep within the binary of his mind, or perhaps it was because he was grinning and holding a branding iron. Either way, he was fucked.
User Reviews
Submitted by Sgt_Badass (user info) at 2005-03-25 11:46:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by BalloonKnot (user info) at 2004-05-10 15:51:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I did read it, it wasn't.
Submitted by intellismartness (user info) at 2004-03-01 07:25:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I cannot be bothered reading this, so I'm just going to assume it was good