Endangered Animals Deserver Their Fate (946 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.66 on 11 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by SausageKing (View user info) at 2004-03-01 13:58:27 EST
Ok call me a jerk but seriously, what is the problem with animals going extinct. 99.99% of all species of plants and animals that have ever existed on this Earth are extinct. When scientists look back through the fossil layers, there are some pretty wacky animals that didn't make the trip down the eons to modern times, like unicorns and leprechauns, and there are other more successful animals such as sharks and crocodiles that still exist and remain relatively unchanged for the past 100 million years.
So why have sharks and crocodiles survived, while unicorns and leprechauns have gone extinct? It's a little thing called survival of the fittest, which was made famous by a guy named Darwin who has some award name after him.
You see, Unicorns had a big horn on their head which was prized by our cavemen ancestors for its aphrodisiacal properties. So of course, they were all slaughtered for their pre-historic viagra horns to the point of extinction.
LESSON LEARNED: Don't grow an aphrodisiacal horn, it makes you less able to survive. The rhinoceros of today is learning that lesson the hard way.
For the leprechaun, it was a bit different. They collected little pots of gold in their burrows. Gold is of course a rare and highly prized metal by humans, so in the middle ages the Leprechauns where hunted to extinction and their pots of gold plundered. It didn't help the leprechauns that they were puny weaklings whose only defense was to offer 3 wishes for their freedom, and when their gullible captor let them go, they would make a run for it. People quickly catch on to these tricks.
LESSON LEARNED: If you're going to hoard pots of gold, make sure you're tough enough to protect it.
Sharks and Crocodiles on the other hand have no real use to mankind, other than as things to kill for sport, so they have survived (ok ok, you can make shoes and wallets out of crocodiles, but seriously, they look stupid).
LESSON LEARNED: Don't be more useful to humans dead then alive. These animals learned that lesson well.
Another example today is the snowy owl (which by the way taste like chicken). This stupid bird lives in the forest where humans want to cut down trees in order to make chop sticks and crappy Ikea furniture. While it isn't directly useful to humans dead, it is standing in right in the center line of the freeway of progress, frozen in the oncoming headlights of capitalism. Unlike the crow or seagull, it hasn't adapted to the modern world by learning to acquire a taste for garbage, so if their forest habitat is cut down they will go extinct. I say boo frickin' hoo. These damn birds deserve to go extinct. Why can't they eat garbage? Are they too good for it? Seagulls and Crows have no problem with it, so why do they stick their beaks up in the air at it and hoot in disdain? What, do they think they're better than crows and seagulls? Is that it? If they are so high and mighty that they can't swallow their pride and eat a bit of garbage, I say timber!
LESSON LEARNED: There is plenty of garbage around for all. Learn to like it!
My final example is the whale. These fat blubbery tubs of lard pointlessly swim the ocean in search of krill (in the case of the 'great' blue whale), giant squid, (the sperm whale), or seals (orcas). Of course the what makes these animals especially stupid and unfit for survival is that they are swimming in the human populations giant toilet bowl. This of course is slowly killing them (also the Japanese and Norweigian whalers who slaughter them by the thousands). Yes yes, they were there in the ocean first, before it became a giant crapper. But the crazy thing about whales which a lot of people don't know is that they are mammals that once lived on the land and walked around with four legs like any decent mammal does. They couldn't hack it on land, so like a bunch of whining babies they crawled into the ocean and grew fins and flippers and such to escape the other animals who were bullying them.
Well I say, stand up for yourself you cowardly whales! You left the land for the ocean, now its time to leave the ocean for the land. Your home is basically a huge pool of used toilet water with no where to flush, you're endlessly hunted by whalers like that wack-job Captain Ahab, and those horrible low-frequency whale 'songs' travel for thousands of miles and just plain piss everyone off. Besides, we killed off all the animals that were bullying you, so you have nothing to worry about from them. So come on, its time - crawl out of the ocean and become useful members of society. Oh whats that? - Through millions of years of evolution you've become too big and fat and you'll be crushed under you own weight if you crawl out? - well thats just baby talk! How convenient, you can crawl into our toilet bowl, but not out of it. You fat balls of snot! Well you deserve to die like the rest of them!
The lesson learned here is two fold:
1. Don't make your home in someone elses toilet
2. If you're going to move into a completely new environment, make damn sure you're able to go back to the old one if you need to.
The whales did not follow this advice, and now they are paying the price.
So the next time you are watching the news or are reading the newspaper and you see something about another poor little animal going extinct, you will be better informed and you will know that this animal brought this fate upon themselves.
User Reviews
Submitted by dudette (user info) at 2004-03-22 05:17:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
you have something against animals don't you?
very funny stuff
Submitted by Dragon (user info) at 2004-03-01 21:12:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The extinction of an animal makes my heart ache, for my menu variety has been decreased.
-Dragon
Submitted by shandythedog (user info) at 2004-03-01 18:05:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
sound reasoning
Submitted by TaK (user info) at 2004-03-01 16:00:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny shit.
Submitted by Dazd1 <dazd1.at.hotmail.com> at 2004-03-01 15:51:06 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
ALL I can say is MORON!
Submitted by reallybored (user info) at 2004-03-01 15:45:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
This "Deserver" a 1.
Submitted by Thunderlips (user info) at 2004-03-01 15:25:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Your ideas intrigue me and I'd like to subscribe to your newsletter.
You can be my loveslave anytime.
Submitted by smokymtcsw (user info) at 2004-03-01 15:07:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahaha Notre Dame keeps them around.
Submitted by STIXS <arrg> at 2004-03-01 14:56:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
cool...haha
Submitted by AlwaysAnEagle (user info) at 2004-03-01 14:46:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny shit!
Submitted by Nator (user info) at 2004-03-01 14:22:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Ok. Are you finished?