A long and entertaining memoir (524 hits)
Category: Quotes & StoriesRating: -0.83 on 8 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by David Jones <davjones.at.iastate.edu> (View user info) at 2004-03-01 17:01:08 EST
When people tell stories, they do so to garner a response. Their goal is to provoke laughter, shock, happiness, or any number of other reactions. Generally, parts of the true story are lost or changed to better serve the teller in their goal. That being said, this is a true story. This story is a timeless story that has consistently remained a favorite among the participants. This story, which is seemingly too good to be true, has never needed elaborations. It in itself has always been able to incite laughter for some, shock from others, and innumerable other reactions that are dependent upon the listener; rather then the teller.
My story occurs during the summer of 2001, almost two years ago now. My grandma was going on a Carnival Cruise, a cruise that would keep her out of town for a week, and she needed someone to baby sit her dog for her. Seeing the opportunity to be home alone for an extended period of time I volunteered myself, and my best friend (who doubled as my everyday companion to the point it bordered on family,) Ben Harvey.
A lot can, and will, happen during the course of two weeks. There are many stories that make up this span of time, but this is not the story of that time; just the story of a specific day; a day that lives in infamy for us.
On this day we had planned to make use of the authority free situation by having a friendly gathering and getting drunk. The day's goal was simple enough, acquire alcohol, and get a few of our good friends to come over and enjoy it with us. Grandma had a stocked bar, but relying solely on that seemed like an easy way to be caught. Lucky for us our friend at that time, Brad Kuhl, had a co-worker who was always willing to set him up. So we invited him. Wanting to make sure it didn't get out of hand we then invited two of our best and most trusted friends, Ben's sister Josie, and her best friend Ashley Mitchell; although in order to be able to come Josie needed to bring her little sister Wendy. Deciding is would be safest to keep it the very limited numbers we left it at that.
"What is up guys?" Ashley yelled in her gleeful schoolgirl manner as she, Josie, Wendy, and Brad stepped out of Brad's white Pontiac and walked to the deck where Ben and I waited.
As they got onto the deck Brad raised both hands, one containing a two liter of Pepsi, the other a bottle of Captain Morgan, and with his usual swagger said, "Got a little something for us."
"Let's get that inside," was my simple response, as I ushered the group through the front door.
Ben and I had everything set up before they arrived, setting out some chips, pop in the refrigerator, and alcohol Grandma could contribute on top of the bar. After we added Brad's to the supply we had quite the stock. Josie had a doctor's appointment to go to, so she and Brad left for that promising to be back as soon as possible. At this point Ben, Ashley, and I turned some music on, and proceeded to get our drink on. We deemed Wendy to young, and she didn't want any anyways.
"David," I heard whispered from behind me. I was busy mixing myself another rum and Pepsi though, so I ignored it.
"David!" Again my name was called, slightly louder now, but I was obstinately fixated on finishing up.
"DAVID!" As I turned my head to see the cause of distress, Ashley and Ben were staring at the doorway.
Now, at this point, I figured my uncle had stopped by, and assumed we were clear as long as we didn't make a mess. My uncle himself had done exactly what we were doing so often he wouldn't even be fazed. I am a casually confident person, and I'm pretty sure the only time I have ever completely been struck speechless by trepidation was when I saw my mother in the doorway.
"Should I kick your ass now, or call Scott and wait for him to do it?" Mom growled as she surveyed the scene.
Everything froze for me. It was as if time literally stopped. I don't remember breathing. I don't remember thinking. All I remember was a long moment passing. An instant later my trepidation passed and my mind began racing, desperately searching for an out.
"Uh, hi Mom...I made this drink for you..." I trailed off, not expected my weak initial attempt to play the situation down to be effective. Nearly an hour of delegation later placed me with another drink in my hand, and the situation diffused. I believe that was my finest hour. I rose to new heights of smooth in order to save all our skins. Mom was going to let us be, at the minor cost of her staying around for awhile, to keep things under control.
The stress of nearly having my life ended coupled with the victory of talking my mom down from her rage got to me at this point. I started drinking, heavily. Somewhere between then, and when I stopped remembering things, Mom decided that she would teach Ben and I a lesson.
Mom started serving us up drinks, strong and a lot of drinks. Ben and I, being cocky youths, dropped whatever she put before us. We drank rum until that was gone, and then we drink gin until that was gone, and finally we drank tequila until that was gone. Or at least that is what they tell me. I don't really remember much of that time period. I do, however, know that since that day the taste of tequila invariably leads to me vomiting.
In fact any of the events for about three hours are just the accounts of others combined to form a single story that everyone agrees on. Ben and I puked red from the Hi-C we used to mix with after we ran out of pop for roughly an hour. Josie and Brad got back, and Mom left them to watch us while she drove Ashley home. When she got back she helped clean up with Josie, Wendy, and Brad. Eventually Ben and I regained consciousness and Mom decided it was safe for her to go home.
After watching over Ben and I, Josie and Brad decided they deserved some drinks. Once they were drunk the real fun began. Right about when we decided we were all done, Brad's parents called. They were coming over. Brad panicked, drove his car to Duck Creek, and jogged back.
While he was gone his parents arrived and after they yelled at Josie for awhile I finally gathered myself up enough to tell them off, and make them leave. We were finally in the clear to ride the drinks out of our system. Or so we imagined.
A few moments after Brad arrived back at the house; Ben, Josie, and Wendy's mom called. Brad's parents had called her and told her we were all drunk. Now she was coming over. Thinking fast, especially since I was still wasted, I set everyone down in the living room with popcorn and a movie. Then I sprayed the house with various perfumes from Grandma's room to cover the smell.
When their mom arrived Josie and I talked to her; convincing her everything was ok, and no one was drinking. To this day I am not sure how we managed it. We both were nearly fall-down drunk, but she left, barely suspecting a thing; with Wendy in tow. She later called my mom, and Mom covered her few doubts for us.
Now we were really in the clear. We all slept the most part of our stupors off. The following day we cleaned up, and the only lasting damages were red stains from Ben and my throw up that missed the garbage. These stains were later played off as a simple accident.
To this day the red stains remain, Ben's mom thinks Brad's parents are crazy liars, and I can't touch tequila. None of us will ever forget what we can remember of that day. It was a day of unbelievable luck, and a day of other stories. Like branches from the whole these stories are just as amazing to us, and we tell them again and again, keeping the whole thing to ourselves. There is the story of me smoothing things over with four different parents, that one time Ben and I puked red for an hour, the one time when Ashley and Josie kissed, how we tricked Ashley into taking her shirt off, the time Josie was hitting on my uncle...So many stories resulted form this day. It is a fond memory we all share, a timeless thing that keeps us all close; even after we think we have grown apart. Here it is, the never before told story. The time Mom busted us...
User Reviews
Submitted by Electro (user info) at 2005-03-27 16:39:17 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
This makes poop look good.
Submitted by DavyJones (user info) at 2004-03-02 02:39:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Unfortunately, either you cannot edit your submissions, or I am just an uber noob who doesn't know how, so I cannot make it easier to read...
Submitted by DavyJones (user info) at 2004-03-02 02:33:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Hrm...I actually just dropped it in from a word document, didn't bother to make sure the paragraphs were still aligned properly, and uh, it quite clearly says long in the title, so why bother saying "too long" dipshit.
Submitted by IndianOcean (user info) at 2004-03-01 20:16:29 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
white spavce
why?
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2004-03-01 19:23:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
http://www.ubersite.com/cgi-bin/message_get.cgi?message=1066295830488629806
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-03-01 19:16:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I would give this a negative score because it's really fucking hard to read, but you're from Iowa, so I'll give you the benefit of the doubt.
Submitted by tuesdaydelay (user info) at 2004-03-01 17:32:22 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
Episode 1, right?
http://www.ubersite.com/cgi-bin/message_get.cgi?message=1078149629311629895
Submitted by PeopleAreStrange (user info) at 2004-03-01 17:21:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
WTF I'M NOT READING ALL THAT!
Sorry dude but no proper paragraphs and you waste time telling me you are going to tell me a story, just jump straight in, the water's warm and we don't bite much.
I'll come back to this and give you an honest rating later.