The Passion: A STREETPUNK Style Review (1188 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.3 on 13 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Stan<juggalo44.at.mad.scientist.com> (View user info) at 2004-03-02 11:19:33 EST
I am sure there are probably a few hundred Uber reviews by now considering this movie has pulled in 125 million over a 5 day run and is the highest grossing Wednesday opener ever, but none of the reviews were done by yours truly, so here's my review of the "The Passion of the Christ." Oooh, my old English teachers would have flipped out over that intro. It's a good thing that I killed them and ate their dead bodies to cover the evidence, otherwise, I might have a real problem to deal with. Back to the subject at hand.
My girlfriend, roommate, and I all went out on Saturday night. We all had a curiosity as to what Mr. Gibson had in store for us with his film about Jeebus Chrisco. I am not going to lie, I was excited about it. Anything that stirs up a bit of controversy seems like fun. Plus, I figured my fat ass might have a heart attack and that would really be something to write a review on.That, of course, is in reference to the chick that died of the heart attack while watching it. Interestingly enough, a man did have a panic attack during the film and they had to stop it for about ten minutes to clear him out.
We went to the rave theatre which is about 15 minutes away, but that was a no go. It was sold out for the rest of the night and there was not one available parking space. It's too bad because I really wanted to see the messiah getting scourged in stadium seating with surround sound. Well, we headed back to Denton and went to the theatre in the mall. We got some seats near the front row. Now, I am a back seat kind of guy but we had to take what we could get; which was on the third row behind a family of Tex-Mexicans that could not speaka der Engrish and that amazed me because the film was in Aramaic, so we were all kind of handicapped but atleast I could read der Engrish.
Anyway, the film starts and we see the disciples chillin in the Garden of Gethsemane and Jesus is tripping out a bit. Jesus is played by Jim Caviezal....Cavzival.....Calveiziel........or whatever. I can not say this dudes name but he was in The Count of Monty Cristo, Pay it Forward, and Frequency. He's a pretty good actor but almost every movie I have ever seen him in, he looked like shit. The Passion was no exception but he was playing Jesus. Did anyone expect him to look like Fabio fresh out of the shower?
So, Jesus is tripping out because he knows they're coming to take him away, ah-ha. They're coming to take him away. Judas is off being a Benedict Arnold, and selling Jesus out. Shouldn't they have called Ben Arnold a Judas and not the other away around? It would have been more chronologically accurate. Anyway, the Jewish soldiers come and take Jesus. Peter cuts off one of their ears and Jesus puts it back on without so much of a voodoo chant which is highly unbelievable because every time I heal someone's cut off ear, I use voodoo chants. Oh well, I guess that's Hollywood for ya.
So, they take Jesus away. They make fun of his claims. He has some memories of the other stuff he has done, like helping prostitutes, riding asses....that's Jack asses, perverts. He remembers building a table and giving a sermon. He remembers having the last supper but there were no references to getting their picture painted at the ordeal. That was kind of weird. Anyway, all these memories pop up while he is getting the eternal shit beat out of him.
In all seriousness, I must say that the movie, even from a nonreligious stand point, was moving. Regardless of belief, this really did happen to a man who was a Jewish rabbi. I don't mean that he talked to Satan, healed a severed ear, or rose from the dead but Jesus of Nazareth was brutally tortured and murdered because he made some higher-ups a little nervous. That is a shameful thing in the history of humanity and that made me feel the movie a bit more. The direction was very well done, although the techniques were a little sporadic at times. He seemed to change direction styles a few times during the film but whoever did the gore make up was great and should be working in the horror industry. The acting, as far as I can really tell, was very well done but of course, they were not speaking English, so I don't know how well their interpretation was. The movie did leave me asking one question: How long after the crucifixion did Peter, Paul, and Mary start playing folk music?
I give it *** 1/2 out of *****
Peace,
STREETPUNK
User Reviews
Submitted by Katja (user info) at 2004-09-09 14:17:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by LePoissonDeNoel (user info) at 2004-07-03 04:22:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No, Jesus! It's a trap!
Submitted by Denis_Leary (user info) at 2004-03-02 14:20:21 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
"I've seen better" says it all.
Submitted by Falconer (user info) at 2004-03-02 14:05:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That's some good reviewing. Continue to exist.
Submitted by DarthAwesome (user info) at 2004-03-02 12:08:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Its STREETPUNK! Weeee
Submitted by streetpunk (user info) at 2004-03-02 11:57:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That's right bitch:
Awe, did the poor wittle Christian get his feelings hurt? Go pray to Jesus and maybe he will make it all better. Were you supposed to be intelligent? Failed, -1.
Kimmy,
Hey!! What's up? How are ya doing?
Submitted by tuesdaydelay (user info) at 2004-03-02 11:54:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
http://www.ubersite.com/cgi-bin/message_get.cgi?message=10782461851808383
Streetpunk's still alive?
Submitted by streetpunk (user info) at 2004-03-02 11:46:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Awww, firefly. She is so cool. I love her.
Submitted by kimmy02721 (user info) at 2004-03-02 11:42:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Finally, a decent Passion review!
;-)
Submitted by thats right bitch at 2004-03-02 11:41:06 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
was this suppose to be funny? failed -1
was this suppose to be a review? failed -1
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2004-03-02 11:30:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for this
"but there were no references to getting their picture painted at the ordeal. That was kind of weird."
The whole damn thing was good, but that took the cake.
Submitted by LiquidCougar (user info) at 2004-03-02 11:26:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Very blunt, good review.
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2004-03-02 11:24:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment