My colon has something to say to you. (595 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 0.83 on 6 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by ugaly <UG_A_LY.at.hotmail.com> (View user info) at 2004-03-02 15:53:14 EST
Friend: What are you doing?
Me: I'm playing lumberjack. Can't a guy take a dump in peace? Piss off.
Him: Whatever man, quit being a little bitch.
Me: My colon has something to say to you hang on a sec.
My Colon: PHTPBPBPTPTPBPPTPTPB <or insert farting noise here>
Him: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. For today's forecast, we have hurricane conditions, and you can also expect golf ball sized brown.
Me: You damn straight. Now piss off
Him: And what if I don't?
Me: Then when I get out I'm going to shove this plunger straight up your poo chute.
Him: You little queer.
Me: Shut the hell up man, my valves aren't opening because of you standing there blabbing. Now shut your blowhole.
Him: Whatever you sick bastard.
I can now relieve my crowning anus...or so I thought. A few seconds later, I hear him quietly whispering outside the door...
Him: wait for it...wait for it...
Now I am pissed. My pants are at half-mast; I have King Brown waiting for jettison, and this fart knocker is waiting outside to do something. So, I pucker up my butt hole, stand up, reposition the pants, and grab the doorknob.
An architect on crack designed my house so my bathroom door swings out instead of in. I grabbed the knob and waited for him to whisper "now." At that precise moment I heard him step near the door. With all the power that I had, combined with the extra momentum from the thunderous fart I let out at that time, I threw the door open as hard as I could.
This man, while doubled over in pain, could not breath and began to cry. As I investigated the scene, I realized that he had been standing in the right position for the doorknob to hit him straight in the twin bag. If getting racked by the door wasn't bad enough, a few seconds later the overpowering stench from behind reached me. He was done for. I knew it was death by asphyxiation; there would be no living through this one.
Right then, he threw up. Not sure which one caused him to hurl, but it was sick nonetheless. Then, the funniest thing happened. I have a cat that is all kinds of demented. This little thing jumps over him, and I swear to god, it started ingesting his regurgitated hot dogs. I laughed so hard...I shat myself.
and just for the hell of it....
User Reviews
Submitted by Loren1 (user info) at 2004-05-25 10:42:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I'm really tired of stories about shit, shitting, colons, sodomizing, bathroom adventures... etc. etc...
But with that said, this was one of the tolerable ones. You did manage to make it funny.
Submitted by Envenom (user info) at 2004-05-25 10:36:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Animals love vomit. You didn't know?
Submitted by funk_boy (user info) at 2004-05-25 10:23:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
You are a very good writer.
BUT, again i'm not convinced by the conversations.
Ian Rankin is an author who i think is particularly good at this.
Submitted by freebie (user info) at 2004-03-02 18:10:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Not really +2, but I liked it. It's to offset the first rating.
Submitted by PeopleAreStrange (user info) at 2004-03-02 18:10:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Not awful.
Submitted by Shay (user info) at 2004-03-02 16:23:07 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
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