The End of the World (667 hits)
Category: RomanceRating: 1.87 on 20 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by K.M (View user info) at 2004-03-02 16:24:42 EST
I wish to share a story with you. A tragic tale of woe and despair, one which rocked my previous perception of the opposite sex from its very grounding in reality. A story that altered the natural laws of human decency laid forth at the beginning of time by the divine creator. An anecdote concerning blasphemy so intense! So intrinsically charged with perversion!
T'was a fateful day, indeed. December 31, 1999. The world was a different place, back then, it is to be made plain. Anticipating global anarchy on a scale previously unknown to man in the form of y2k, myself, and James, a friend of mine, were preparing for the night ahead.
Our plan was to initially meet up with two mutual lady companions. They shall be named henceforth as Sarah, and Jane, to protect the names of the terribly guilty.
It was the spirit of the season to be high, not only on the notion that the world would cease to turn at the strike of twelve bells, but on drugs too, of course. Therefore, to maintain the spirit on our own small scale, we indulged in the friendly act of smoking weed. However, the plants, as it soon became apparent, were not as potent as was advertised to us by our rookie friend. It left us feeling rather disappointed, as well as a slight tingling in the head and body. Not a full out high, just a tinge of the surreal, a tiny glimpse of What Could Have Been.
Afterwards, it was our prerogative to take a spin. Alas, our car took us to 11114 unknown drive, the respectable residence of one Sarah. A wonderful house, splendid even. Her father was a Stock Broker. A wealthy family, the stereotypical class act of suburbia. Sarah was a petite, gorgeous young lass. Flawless and beautiful. Jane, her best friend, was hardly less perfect. Each the epitome of feminine grace and beauty, we considered ourselves quite lucky young gentlemen this afternoon. It was only a matter of time before they would be our guests to a party of unheard of proportions. They were to be our Companions.
After the usual small talk, in the living room by the fireplace, James and I excused ourselves for a cigarette. Sitting on the porch overlooking the arrangement of frozen trees yonder, we politely negotiated betwixt us which girl was to be our own focus for the night. These matters must be discussed before hand, of course. Reaching no clear conclusion, we settled for waiting until the booze started to flow. That way, we could see which of them was interested in whom. After all, they had offered us their company, not the other way around. Surely one of them was interested in one of us, and surely again, time has a way of allowing these things to come clear.
As I made my way back to the living room, to Sarah and Jane, James excused himself to the lavatory. After a few minutes of small talk, the toilet flushed in the background, and James reappeared.
But James did not reappear in the same essence, the same mental and emotional composition as was clear when he went _into_ the bathroom. In fact, he came out white faced, stricken, it would appear, by the sight of a ghost. I have known James for 8 years, and never in my entire life have I seen him so obviously thoroughly disturbed. A thinly veiled look of horror lay in eyes, as if he had born witness to all of the most terrible tragedies, crimes, and travesties that mankind's history had to offer.
The room went silent.
"Um.. are you ok, dude?" said I.
He stared at Sarah.
"Guy..?" I continued.
He turned to Jane.
I am not sure if words could ever describe the contents of his face. While it appeared to be blank, as if in the early stages of shock, there was such an air of intense suspicion, such tangible agitation that it very much concerned me.
"Was it the weed?" I offered
"No." he croaked.
And with that, he picked up his jacket, and walked out the door. I heard the dull thud of the car door shutting moments later, followed by silence.
He was sitting in the car.
Still under the assumption that the poor boy was having some mysteriously bad high of sorts, I politely excused myself from Sarah and Jane's company, to tend to my obviously distressed friend. Though slightly surprised, they obliged, as they were such proper young ladies.
I opened the car door, sat down, and turned to James. An untended cigarette lay burning in the ashtray, and his head was in his hands.
"The toilet." He said.
"And what of it?" I inquired
"There was a huge, fucking log, in the toilet."
"But you must be mistaken, neither of them are capable of such a thing."
"It was the size of my leg."
"Nonsense. A figment of your imagination."
"It was so big, it was coiled. When I lifted the seat, I gagged. I swear on all that's left that is holy."
My very soul rejected the concept.
"They are beautiful, it's not possible."
And it was with that final remark from yours truly, the un-smoked cigarette almost at its ends length, that he raised his head from his hands and stared directly into my eyes with all the humility and emotional trauma of a prison rape victim. His eyes trembled with truth, and he spoke eight words to me. Eight words that to this day will always haunt me with visions of some enormous mound of stagnant female shit.
"There was no toilet paper in the bowl."
The car was promptly put in drive, and without so much as a casual glance backwards, we were on our merry way.
The events that took place on that day were never discussed again, and we completely shunned the two girls. How is such a thing possible? Why did god allow that to happen? Which one of the two committed such a crime?
Such a mystery, but I lack the interest to investigate, to pursue matters further.
The end of the world occurred on December 31st, 1999, but not as I had ever imagined possible.
User Reviews
Submitted by kilgore_trout (user info) at 2004-04-02 12:24:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by someone (user info) at 2004-03-05 23:10:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
dude they probably did the shit and shower. Water is more more cleanly then toilet paper
anyway.
Great story though, very, very well written.
Submitted by ohlookasquirrel (user info) at 2004-03-02 19:33:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I can just see the terror in his eyes...
Submitted by Catscradle at 2004-03-02 19:15:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by jwlmar10 (user info) at 2004-03-02 18:55:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Very funny. Great post. I would have confronted the girls about it and if I wasn't satisfied with their excuse I would then leave.
Submitted by Quartermain (user info) at 2004-03-02 18:40:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny. Good job.
Submitted by Judoka (user info) at 2004-03-02 18:33:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"There was a huge, fucking log, in the toilet."
"But you must be mistaken, neither of them are capable of such a thing."
"It was the size of my leg."
"Nonsense. A figment of your imagination."
Submitted by K.M (user info) at 2004-03-02 18:20:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I missed you, how have you been?
Submitted by PeopleAreStrange (user info) at 2004-03-02 18:07:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I bet it belonged to Sarah's dad. You should have still boned them.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2004-03-02 17:21:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Perfect
Submitted by LucidCognition (user info) at 2004-03-02 17:19:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ah, that was great.
A story of drugs and shit, it doesn't get better. Kinda funny cus I was just reading trainspotting, you know which scene - with the lost sepositories.
Submitted by FATMANTPK (user info) at 2004-03-02 17:11:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-03-02 17:01:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Everything you ever wanted to know about shitfuck
User id: 6479
Registered on or around: 2004-03-02 16:45:43
# Messages posted: 0
# Reviews written: 2
# Times these posts have been reviewed : 0
# Hits: 0
Average rating of all messages: 0.00
Submitted by whataefag (user info) at 2004-03-02 16:59:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Probably a tampon, but still funny.
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2004-03-02 16:53:59 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Awesome. You should have eaten the shit that they shat and then shit out your own shit and made them eat it and then they can shit it out again.
Submitted by SausageKing (user info) at 2004-03-02 16:46:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Gross but funny
Submitted by Herpes (user info) at 2004-03-02 16:43:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is great.
Submitted by Yes (user info) at 2004-03-02 16:35:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Moving.
Submitted by Heimdallsman (user info) at 2004-03-02 16:32:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
A true gem.
The post, I mean...
--HeimdallsMan
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2004-03-02 16:28:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Altogether beautiful.