My Tits, My Heels...My Glory. (2198 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: -1.17 on 24 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Beastie Girl (View user info) at 2004-03-02 21:18:25 EST
There are few things a woman dreads more than getting dressed for an event where she is expected to be sexy, sassy, and saucy. At 5'1" and a very average but undesirable weight of 110lbs, my body shouldn't be too hard to transform into the vision of womanly sex appeal I believe it to be.
But folks, you've never seen me naked.
The constant reassuring I get from my girlfriends comparing my body to that of a certain "dirrrty" pop star is very comforting...in fact, it's downright flattering. And I'm not the self-pitying type who fishes for such compliments and comments from others. As a matter of fact, I often look at myself and think there's no one else I'd rather look like. Yes, I'm THAT vain and in love with myself. Pardon the digression.
And yet, there's the moment in front of my full-length mirror where I'm analyzing the outfit I had very carefully selected for its edginess and sexy diva-representation.
How the hell did I forget that I look like a cow in these jeans?
Did I accidentally pick up this skirt in the kids department or something...?
Someone neglected to remind me today that I have the belly of a 50-year-old beer-guzzling man rather than the smooth and tight tummy of Britney Spears.
In my frustrastration, self-loathing, and utter disgust with my body, I resort to the only thing I've got left...
Cleavege. And lots of it.
My last weapon of validation in realizing my sex appeal is to bear the flesh between my breasts the way a practiced veteran knows how. Low-cut halter...not too much skin, but a bare back and lots of breast. Next, the legs...dancers can't help but show off their legs. Short, short skirt, falling just below my ass, paired with high pointed-toe stilettos. An illusion, gentleman...at 5'1", you learn how to create the illusion of HEIGHT very early in your dressing-up career. Hmmmm...yes, now I am ready to charm the world into falling madly in love with me. I step back and look into that full-length mirror, once my worst enemy, now my best friend...
Oh, lordy...the hottest thing since sliced bread.
User Reviews
Submitted by TheMidnight12AM (user info) at 2004-04-28 03:18:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Riiiight.
Submitted by cwl989 (user info) at 2004-04-04 18:56:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
If you had a picture of you in all your "glory", I would be more interested.
Submitted by tuesdaydelay (user info) at 2004-03-03 09:48:21 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
You make it sound so erotic.
Shut up, just pop the pictures up.
Naked. Then be reviewed.
Submitted by dakingisdead (user info) at 2004-03-03 02:42:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
AAHHHH FUCK IT.
Anyone who can be Beastiegirl And Moonlover at the same time deserves a plus 2
Submitted by dakingisdead (user info) at 2004-03-03 02:41:19 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Hell don't get all filosfical about it just show us your tits and you are guaranteed to be seen at least a little bit interesting. Either that or a lying slore.
Have a nice day and have fun because tonight you might die.
Sorry I still got to give a -2 so as not to spoil your rating here.
Submitted by MoonLover (user info) at 2004-03-03 02:28:04 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
Oh,lordy.
I have to rate my own post. I reread it once I saw all of your reviews...and I think the only thing keeping me from giving my shameful and shallow rants a -2 is the brutal honesty of it. That is to say that in a rat race of physical standards I can be ridiculously susceptible to at times, the ugly and superficial thoughts expressed here are representative of what truly happens in my head. Moral of the story...? Although I know I'm not the only woman in the world who occasionally suffers from periodical enslavement of the vanity whore within, it's pretty damn pathetic to know that such things can consume me at all. I appreciate your comments, and thanks for giving enough of a damn to rank this. My apologies for wasting anyone's time...and dammit, I'm only posting while intoxicated from now on...my inebriated uber alter ego seems to be much more interesting...
Submitted by Lyric (user info) at 2004-03-03 02:15:24 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
What the fuck is this shit?!
"I'm a fat, nasty girl (who is actually short, skinny, and has the body of an 8 year old, haha, I fooled you!) who dresses like a slut so boys will look at me! I'm SO hot!"
Seriously now. This is fucking trash. Kinda like what you sound like.
Submitted by dakingisdead (user info) at 2004-03-03 00:00:44 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
If we take my original review and and BigMikes to it we have:
"Now IF you WERE about a foot SHORTER YOU COULD stand in front of me and suck my dick AND if your head was flat so I could put my beer on it, you'd be the perfect woman."
Yes I think that is pretty much what we meant!
Submitted by seanfogy (user info) at 2004-03-02 23:23:17 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
i've got great tits too. they would be cool if it werent for the giant sized set of balls and a eeny weeny peepee hanging where a pussy is supposed to be. tis a shame
Submitted by Sandwichski (user info) at 2004-03-02 23:21:06 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Back in Mooutha Russssia you would get shot for posting crapski like thatski.
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2004-03-02 23:20:25 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
If your head was flat so I could put my beer on it, you'd be the perfect woman.
Submitted by superfluous_third_nipple (user info) at 2004-03-02 23:18:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
why play into what society wants you to look/act/dress like? so you've got great tits... SO WHAT? again, your attempt at touting a feminist stance on what it means to be a modern woman falls short, sweet-tits... invest that same time and energy you put into making yourself look sexy into developing yourself in more substance-bearing aspects (i.e. gain some music/literature knowledge beyond what MTV tells you to)... then, and only then, can you be truly the best thing since sliced bread...
Submitted by Kristen (user info) at 2004-03-02 23:07:04 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I just read "Everyone Poops" to Evran. That stupid book was about steaming piles of elephant poop, bird shit, old man turds, and giant crap posts on Über.
Submitted by hendrixjrr (user info) at 2004-03-02 23:03:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Christina Aguilera is a bitch.
Submitted by dakingisdead (user info) at 2004-03-02 22:59:16 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Now at 5'1" you are about a foot to tall to stand in front of me and suck my dick.
Shame about that.
Submitted by Lisa (user info) at 2004-03-02 22:29:16 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Yeah, sliced bread usually is pretty hot.
You aggravate my acid reflux.
Submitted by QueenAshlee (user info) at 2004-03-02 22:17:41 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Hey, look. I agree with KM on something. Freaky.
In other news, you jump from being incredibely self-concious to incredibely conceited. My guess is that you're an average attention whore, hoping to get the Ubermales drooling with your probably exaggerated description of your lithe little body. Heh.
Submitted by K.M (user info) at 2004-03-02 22:00:50 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
This could all have been much more tolerable, if you would have only just described, in detail, what sort of noises a puppy makes when it is being put through a wood chipper.
Yes, this post was that bad, whore.
Submitted by Kaelic (user info) at 2004-03-02 21:44:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Thanks for this incredibly narcissistic post. What was the point, again?
Submitted by Yes (user info) at 2004-03-02 21:36:08 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
this post is useless without a pic... naked would be best.
Submitted by Quartermain (user info) at 2004-03-02 21:31:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Technically, sliced bread is not all that hot, unless you toast it.
So if you have tan, then you might qualify.
Just out of curiosity, what kind of event are you going to?
Submitted by kai070169 (user info) at 2004-03-02 21:30:11 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
Disappointing... a post with a title like this MUST have a picture. Most beer guts weigh 110lbs all on their own, I suspect that you are a self obsessed cunt with the same inferiority complex you've been desperately hanging onto since 7th grade. Well deserved I'd imagine, but not because of your appearance...
Im sure you will have no shortage of Uberhorndogs willing to help you get back to 108lbs and your tummy will dissapear! But what to do with the other 108 disgusting pounds.... hmmmm...
Submitted by Trout (user info) at 2004-03-02 21:29:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Why don't you post a picture of yourself naked then we can judge?
Or better still come round my house naked.
Submitted by DarthAwesome (user info) at 2004-03-02 21:22:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I'd totally do you, but I'm into turkeys. Sorry.