Kids Say The Darndest, Most Fuck Up Things (2841 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.77 on 24 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Sideburns (View user info) at 2004-03-02 23:22:18 EST
Every holiday my family gathers at the grandmother's for a huge feast, sports, and of course, catching up with the family. Every year a child will say something that he wasn't supposed to. You remember how it was, don't you? When you were a child, you'd say something that you thought was harmless but would embarass the crap out of your parents. Your dad would whisper something in your ear along the lines of ''Just wait until we get home". You can't really enjoy going out and playing with your cousins because you know when you get home, dad's gonna have happy-time with a belt and your ass.
When we got home, he'd send me straight to my room and make you wait a good 15 minutes. My palms sweat with fear as I stand there weeping. Before the big moment, I put on as many pairs of underwear and pants as I can. When I was around my dad, I was always scared; I always felt like I needed to watch my every step around him. Not to mention he whips me hard as hell.
Since my dad was a military man, he was always out of town for up to 4 months at a time. When he was on TDY, my mom was the one in control of whipping me. These were the happiest times of my life. I could do whatever I wanted, she'd make me wait in my room just to try to project the same fear as my dad did. I didn't stand there and weep when I knew she was the one giving me my beatings, I watched tvs or played games. When the big moment came, she'd beat my butt with all her might. I wasn't phased. I finally learned that pretending to cry was the way to go.
When I was being babysat by some elderly woman, it was no different. Apparently spanking me was the way to go. This woman would spank me for the smallest reasons; mainly because I didn't eat her nasty-ass beans. I learned quickly not to fuck with Ms. Raspberry. This 70 year old, 5 foot 2, 120 pound woman meant business. She'd make me go to the backyard and pick out the hickory stick that I was going to be spanked with. I thought I was a little genius when I came back with a small twig. Big mistake. Ms. Raspberry would go back out to the backyard and get the biggest hickory stick she could find. Then she'd whip me a couple extra licks for wasting her time.
I only recall one whipping that I actually deserved. I was 9 years old I believe, my cousins were visiting from another state so we sat down and watched old home movies(TM). I apparently picked from the wrong stack because the content of the video at hand would earn me my worst beating ever...
When my dad was gone for months at a time, he'd send my mom special videos showing her the hotel he was staying at, the gym he went to and tours of the base he was at. But at the end of videos he'd give her a ''special long distance treat'' since he was away for so long.
So I pop in the video, sit down beside my sister and watch the movie with my 4 cousins; ALL FEMALE. Innocently enough, the tape starts out with my dad giving a tour of his hotel room, the mini bar, etc. He then walks into the bathroom, sits the camcorder on the sink with it still recording and proceeds to take a shower. I just fast-fowarded thru the shower because I figured he accidentally left it on. I didn't know what was going on, I was only 9. I watched in horror as my dad stepped out of the shower and proceeded to give an up and down tour of his body with the camcorder. I tried to stop the tape right as my dad walked in, but it was too late. My ass stung for days.
These days I sit and watch in amusement as my four year old nephews make the same mistakes and receive the same punishment. Over Christmas dinner, little Anthony, 4 years old, was eating at the table with the whole family and just happened to speak his mind:
"Gwandma, what's in deez mashed taters?"
"Well Anthony, potatoes, butter, and lots of love!"
"Gwandma? Next time can you leave the wuv out? Deez are nasty".
-Sideburns
User Reviews
Submitted by Nator (user info) at 2004-03-04 17:55:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That's pretty sick.
Submitted by SausageKing (user info) at 2004-03-03 16:07:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Please hold the wuv
Submitted by volklcess (user info) at 2004-03-03 13:23:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Why is it that there's a point in every single one of your posts that I always end up saying, "Ohhhh, noooooooooo!!!!" to myself?
:-)
Phoenix
Submitted by Mac (user info) at 2004-03-03 13:19:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Dude, seriously, go to Japan as soon as possible.
Submitted by Kristen (user info) at 2004-03-03 11:27:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Your family is something, Justy.
Submitted by FATMANTPK (user info) at 2004-03-03 09:05:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny
Submitted by squattail (user info) at 2004-03-03 07:03:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
nope, my reviews don't count
Submitted by BikerRob (user info) at 2004-03-03 07:02:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh, bite me. You've done it, too.
Submitted by squattail (user info) at 2004-03-03 06:55:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
HAHAHAHA. AS IF YOU DIDN'T MEAN TO BREAK THE +2 CHAIN, YOU SNEAKY LITTLE FUCK.
Submitted by BikerRob (user info) at 2004-03-03 06:46:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
oops...+2
Submitted by BikerRob (user info) at 2004-03-03 06:46:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
That's pretty funny, Sideburns!
Reminds me of a commercial that was out recently, where a little boy at a wedding comes up to the bride and says "Mommy said she's surprised that you wore white."
The beauty of the video incident with your father is: next time he's one up in you, remind him of it (get up and dance a little for effect). There's not much he can do about it, now!
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2004-03-03 06:06:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Exactly how much do you spend on therapy hun?
Submitted by chipolatte (user info) at 2004-03-03 02:47:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Kill your father.
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-03-03 01:53:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
What do you mean, "the only time you deserved it"?
You innocently stumbled across a tape that your dad souldn't have left lying around. You didn't deserve an ass-beating for that at all.
Submitted by quack (user info) at 2004-03-03 00:23:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
nice, yet again. seen the pic before somewhere, but still a good post.
Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2004-03-02 23:43:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Quality
Submitted by kai070169 (user info) at 2004-03-02 23:37:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
See, now I know.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/24791
Your nephews get in shit for the same thing? Do naked video fetishes run in both sides of the family? Either way it's cool with me.
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2004-03-02 23:37:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
fuck, didn't mean to rate that a two.
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2004-03-02 23:34:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
For some reason, I expected you to say that, Kracka.
We still haven't had the ''peepee talk'', so I'll get back to you on that.
Submitted by Kracka (user info) at 2004-03-02 23:33:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
so you saw your dads pee-pee huh? you sure he din't leave those there for you to see?
-Hump, the Blackest Ninja
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2004-03-02 23:30:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
As you can see, I butchered the name of the title...
"Kids Say the Darndest, Most FuckED up Things"
Submitted by Trout (user info) at 2004-03-02 23:28:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
nice
Submitted by ohlookasquirrel (user info) at 2004-03-02 23:25:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ah, you overloaded my brain with possible innuendos. I'm sure someone else will take care of it for me.
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-03-02 23:24:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That's awesome.