Vagina Monologue: Why Men Can Go to Hell (1723 hits)
Category: Humor -> Dirty HumorRating: -0.54 on 16 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Ravena Kaiou <ravena.at.luxt.com> (View user info) at 2004-03-03 06:10:56 EST
Everyone knows that to a man or butch lesbian lover, there's nothing quite as enjoyable as a freshly shaved vagina. I'll admit, I've been neglecting the yardwork since the colder months have started up. Not to mention I'm painfully single. I figured I may as well join the ranks of the razorblade and start maintaining it a little better so that if I ever do get a chance to use my vagina again (it's been one and a half years since I got any action and my prospects are beginning to dim), I won't have to waste so much time in the shower taking care of it.
Let me tell you men something. You had better really fucking appreciate your girlfriends for shaving their pubes off for you. Because it is THE FUCKING SCARIEST THING IN THE WORLD. I have a newfound respect for strippers - they're either really stupid, or some of the bravest women to ever exist, because they keep everything perfectly shaved every second of every day. Bitches. They need to tell me their secrets of the blade.
And you'll all roll your eyes and say "Dammit, Ravena, we don't want to hear about your vagina." BUT YOU'RE GOING TO HEAR IT ANYWAY YOU PENIS-TOTING ASSHOLES BECAUSE I NOW HAVE A SHAVING CUT IN A VERY MENACING PLACE AND IT'S ALL FOR YOU.
There is just no good way to remove that goddamn hair, either. If you shave it, then you've got a razorblade about half an inch from some very important anatomical structures. One wrong move, and you've got a big problem on your hands (and all over the bathtub). Not to mention razor burn, trying to maneuver the very sharp blade between crevices and the like...but if you wax it, you've got a Hungarian lesbian named Helga standing between your legs pouring hot liquid over your crotch and then RIPPING IT OFF. Now, I know you boys out there don't exactly have vaginas, but imagine having a clothespin clamped onto your balls and then mercilessly yanked off. Then multiply the pain by a hundred and you should know what we women go through every Brazilian wax we shell out $75 for.
Nair is the singlehanded cause of the Chernobyl disaster. Dear Christ, that shit has given me chemical burns on my arms and legs already, I do not need it anywhere that might prove useful someday.
And the other issue is that I am a clumsy bitch. I trip over my own two feet walking down the hallway, and you expect me to run a razorblade over that very vulnerable area? HAH. Believe me, I like edgeplay, but that's just asking for trouble. I trust the piercer down at Sub-Q who's getting ready to jam a barbell through my clit more than I trust myself every time I pick up that contraption of pain and fear we know as a razor.
But it needs to be done. And so it is done, every fucking other day. And now I am in more annoyance than pain from that damn shaving cut. I HATE YOU ALL. EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU MEN. NO EXCEPTIONS. NONE. NADA ZIP ZILCH ZERO NEIN DIE EIER VON SATAN.
I'm sitting here painting my toenails with black glitter nailpolish and pretending that this evening never happened. It's going to be really interesting taking the Hello Kitty bandaid off of it later.
User Reviews
Submitted by zakdwyer (user info) at 2010-05-09 02:53:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Booo - woman, what are you doing? Nobody cares about you shaving you snatch; it's not like it's the worst thing in the world if there's a little foliage accompanying the insertion process. So calm down, and get yourself a man who actually wants to be with you, and not just your cooch. And I'm a guy saying this.
Submitted by Captain_Foamy (user info) at 2004-04-04 09:12:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Im so bad ass, to prove it I will write the word fart 15 straight times! fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart!
I know what your thinking, "but Foamy you only wrote fart 14 times" thats cause I saved one for your moms mouth, BOOM, HOW THE FUCK DO I DO IT
http://www.geocities.com/captain_foamy
Submitted by modusjoe (user info) at 2004-03-05 16:24:50 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you. Its not like we asked you to shave your pubs. You are the stupid bitch that did it. If you ask me, it doesn't really matter whether it's shaved or not. There are much more important things, like if the woman is a psycho bitch for example.
Submitted by Naz at 2004-03-04 22:50:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Interesting... don't shave if you don't want to. Men are always like "shave your shit", and I have the urge to yell back, "No, YOU shave YOURS."
nein der eier von satan? no the eggs from satan? (die Eier, not der.)
Aaaaanyways....
Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2004-03-03 23:09:20 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Fuck me, I felt dumber for reading this. Can I please have those five minutes back please?
Submitted by Mr.Bungle (user info) at 2004-03-03 16:11:52 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
Ok, terrific. Sounds like somebodies got a case of the "Monday's!"
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2004-03-03 11:32:08 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I shave my balls.
Submitted by SpikeGoddess (user info) at 2004-03-03 11:15:39 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I hope that nobody holds me responsible for this post.
Listen, chickie---it's simple. Don't shave if you don't want to. You don't seem to be getting laid anyway. Personally, I think that shaving has plenty of benefits for *me* as well as anybody I might want to fuck, so it's a mutual benefit kind of thing. If you go slow it's not that hard.
Sorry, -2.
SpikeGoddess
Submitted by freebie (user info) at 2004-03-03 11:02:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Since you hate men, please post pics of you and your girlfriend going at it.
BTW, try laser hair removal. I do it in my office, expensive but no pain and gone forever.
Submitted by domenad (user info) at 2004-03-03 09:54:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
"I HATE YOU ALL. EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU MEN. NO EXCEPTIONS. NONE. NADA ZIP ZILCH ZERO NEIN DIE EIER VON SATAN."
I guess this means you want me to take my dick out of your mouth?
Submitted by youarsoghey (user info) at 2004-03-03 09:42:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I think I remember you..you're Harry from Harry and the Hendersons!
Submitted by lowsodiummonkey (user info) at 2004-03-03 09:32:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
"(it's been one and a half years since I got any action and my prospects are beginning to dim)"
That's pathetic if you're complaining about.
There's only three reasons why a woman would make that complaint.
1) Either you're completely crazy and mega picky and selfish when it comes to a mate.
2) You fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way done.
3) You actually live on another planet.
Submitted by fionavar (user info) at 2004-03-03 08:17:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Use baby powder and an electric one. Not as close as a shave, but less harrowing.
Submitted by squattail (user info) at 2004-03-03 06:37:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Ever heard of a BACK ALLEY?
Submitted by arcane (user info) at 2004-03-03 06:33:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Funny stuff but how does a chick manage to involuntarily not get laid for a year and a half? Ever heard of a bar?
Submitted by BikerRob (user info) at 2004-03-03 06:30:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
If you did it for me, I wanna see a pic of it!
Submitted by squattail (user info) at 2004-03-03 06:15:56 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I always preferred puppetry of the penis. There is nothing better than dick tricks. The best one is the "icecream cone" when the guy rams one of his testicals into the opening of his foreskin. It really does look like an icecream cone.