Menial Jobs of the Future! (1337 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.63 on 11 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by SausageKing (View user info) at 2004-03-03 13:57:49 EST
My favorite kind of book is a good science fiction novel, and one thing I really enjoy about them is when they try and predict how the future will be, what with crazy new devices and social orders and what not - generally all 'big picture' items. The one thing they never seem do though is think about the more mundane aspects of day-to-day life in the future. To remedy this oversight, I plugged in some variables into my Hari Seldon Psychohistory software. Here is what I came up with for the future of soul-numbing, dead end jobs.
SUPER-APE SLAVE
- When the genetically engineered super apes take over they will need slaves. They will naturally want to use their creators and former oppressors as slaves to boost their damn dirty ape egos.
- Main duty: Grooming and picking out parasites from the fur of your ape overlord
SPACE SHIP JANITOR
- Even in the future, there will jobs for creepy old fat bald men in filthy blue overalls. They will be spaceship janitors. Spaceships will get dirty, so somebody has to clean them.
- Main duty: Cleaning up floating vomit globules in zero g with a vomit net (which is much like the butterfly net used today to catch insane people), as well as cleaning viscera and assorted guts spread around the ship after explosive decompression occurs. Graceful zero-g maneuvering skill will be required.
CYBORG DETAILER/CLEANER
- In the future we will all be cyborgs which is basically a part machine part organic being. As anyone who drives a car knows, after a certain amount of mileage chrome becomes not too shiny and dirt appears in hard to reach places, and it will be no different for our cybernetic parts. Nothing says white-trash like a filthy cyborg with 'Wash Me!' written by some ones finger in the encrusted dirt.
- Main Duty: Waxing and Buffing metallic cyborg torsos to a nice shine while being careful not to get any harmful toxic chrome polish on the fragile organic human brain encased within the cybernetic exoskeleton.
SOYLENT GREEN CHEF
- In the future the human population will be so large that as a race we will have to resort to cannibalism. To make cannibalism more socially acceptable, human carcasses will be processed into an homogenous green goo called soylent green. We will need specialized chefs to make this crap taste half decent.
- Main duty: Make unappetizing hunks of processed human flesh into delicious gourmet delights
SPACE RESTAURANT DRIVE THROUGH BURGER LAUNCHER
- In the world of today there is nothing as efficient and modern as the fast food drive through. When you have the hunger for a grease burger, you only have to look to the side of the street and sure enough there is some place offering you a quick cholesterol fix. Well in the future when your flying your space ship to boldly go where no one has gone before and kick some alien ass, you're going to want to make a quick stop at the space burger drive through and fill up your grumbling stomach.
The only problem is your space ship is blasting out of the solar system at 9/10s the speed of light. Well how do you get an asteroid burger with extra pickles dammit!? This is where the Drive through Burger Launcher comes in. The drive through attendant will have a large cannon controlled by an advanced targeting computer that will shoot your burger through the depths of space at close to light speed. The burger will match relativistic speeds with your space ship, and if all goes according to plan you will be able to grab the burger with your patented space hook outside through your space ship air lock.
The one problem with this method is that if the launch vector of the burger is even a fraction of a degree off, the burger could blast through your space ship hull like a cannonball through wet cardboard. Because of this, all burger launchers will require an advanced degree in astrophysics. This job gives new meaning to the term fast food!
- Main Duty: Calculating advanced launch vectors using differential calculus, safe handling of a class 7 fusion powered rail gun, and cooking a mean soylent green burger.
CYBER SEX SUIT CLEANER
- In the future everyone will have their cyber sex suit, and of course sex being what it is things will get messy, what with the various juices and fluids and what not. You really don't want to imagine too much how these suits will look and function, but filthy and disgusting they will get with use.
- Main duty: Getting down and dirty into the hard-to reach cracks and crevices of the suit. This is what separates the amateur from the professional. The future is now.
ALIEN EGG HOST
Today through fertilization technology we have surrogate mothers. In the future human beings will grow in large pickle jars in an amino acid nutrient bath. Unfortunately there will be unenlightened alien beings out there that will reproduce the old fashion way nature intended: by implanting an egg into the chest of a human host to allow it to mature and hatch into the larval stage of their life cycle.
This job is suitable for high school drop outs.
- Main Duty: Providing nutrients and a moist warm place for an alien embryo to gestate before bursting out your chest cavity in a grisly shower of blood and bone chips.
DANCING GIRL FOR ALIEN SCUM
- When a girl is down and out and needs some extra space credits for her Nuke habit, she can always do well exotic dancing in a seedy space bar inhabited by the alien scum of the galaxy. I'd buy that for a dollar!
- Main Duty: Look sexy in a metallic bikini and avoid looking too disgusted when licked by 3 foot alien tongues
SEX ANDROID TESTER
- The new generation of sex toys will be fully independent self-autonomous androids modelled after the human body. They will otherwise be known as sexbots. They will need thorough testing before being put on the market, hence the need for testers. There will be many models of sexbots to fit various tastes, from the Orgasmotron 2000, the Casanovanator and the Hermaphrodite Dwarf-bot.
- Main Duty: Being humped by or humping an untested sexbot. Waivers will have to be signed in case the sexbot malfunctions and goes on a kill crazy rampage of blood HOIVEN and member slicing GLAVEN, what with the hurting and the biting.
SOYLENT GREEN INGREDIENT
The other side of the soylent green equation is the soylent green ingredient. If you think you are soft and tender and you will taste good as a soylent green patty in a burger, this is the job for you. Also suitable for high school dropouts.
- Main Duty: Feeding the teeming masses of humanity with your deceased earthly remains. Some say this is the noblest job of all. Others say, mmmmmm, tastes like pork!
So there you have it, menial jobs of the future. A hint to you young kids out there, stay in school, otherwise you might become soylent green ingrediant or an alien egg host. If you're smart enough and work hard enough you could become a burger launcher!
User Reviews
Submitted by quack (user info) at 2004-03-03 16:58:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
haha, how did you think of this shit? funny.
Submitted by mikethescottish (user info) at 2004-03-03 16:18:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
High school dropouts with jobs? The future is frightening indeed!
Submitted by squattailyousuckmyballs (user info) at 2004-03-03 16:17:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for Prof. Frink
Submitted by PukingDog (user info) at 2004-03-03 15:58:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good job
Submitted by NetProphet (user info) at 2004-03-03 15:42:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Jesus tapdancing Christ... this is some damn fine comedy right here.
Kudos!
Submitted by Phinch (user info) at 2004-03-03 15:20:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for the robocop references
Submitted by potatomanjack (user info) at 2004-03-03 15:06:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
A little long after a while, but still very very funny.
Submitted by flux_modulator (user info) at 2004-03-03 15:01:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by domenad (user info) at 2004-03-03 14:43:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I know a few people I could donate as alien egg incubators right now.
Submitted by THEillONE (user info) at 2004-03-03 14:15:37 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
wtf i ain't reading all that!
Submitted by shag_rat (user info) at 2004-03-03 14:09:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That should not have amused me quite as much as it did...