Roll Up The Rim To Win - A Killing Spree Waiting to Happen (2736 hits)
Category: Quotes & StoriesRating: 1.62 on 13 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Genko (View user info) at 2004-03-03 18:50:02 EST
Here in Canada, there's a chain of donut shops known as Tim Horton's. I think Koolmang works at one. Now, this is one of very few large chains with Canadian roots, so despite the fact that Wendy's bought out the whole operation years ago, Canadians like Tim Horton's.
Tim's runs a special contest every spring known as Roll Up The Rim To Win. Basically, you buy a coffee, drink it and roll up the rim on the paper cup. Rolling up the rim gets you a chance to win various prizes. The most I've ever gotten is another coffee or a bagel, but you can win big shit, like barbecues and minivans.
Being an avid gambling addict, I'm strung out on caffeine every spring. I probably go to Tim's once a week during the year, but during Roll Up The Rim season, I'll drink upwards of five coffees a day. The contest started sometime this week, so I had my first chance at winning today. I decided to get a donut with my ticket - ER, coffee, and asked for a Boston Cream. As I sat down, almost having to push my way through a crowd of filthy disease ridden humans to do so, I remembered: the notable thing about this contest is that it exponentially increases the number of people who come in to buy coffee. Teenagers with nothing better to do will suddenly become coffee drinkers during Roll Up The Rim. Businessmen will piss away their afternoons over two coffees instead of one. Homeless people with dreams of glory will stake all their money on the chance of winning big at Tim Horton's.
I sat, pulling out my Boston Cream and putting it on the table. As I did so, I noticed one such homeless person. He was probably about 5'6", had shitty looking clothes and an unkempt beard, smelled like urine, and generally gave off an aura that made everything around him unpleasant.
He probably wasn't that bad, I just remember him as such because he stuck his finger in my donut. Yes. He walked by my table, stuck his finger into the top of my Boston Cream, pulled it out, licked MY cream filling off his finger, cracked a shit-eating grin, and walked out of the store. I frowned. My donut was now a rape victim. A man had walked up, penetrated my beloved Boston Cream against its will, enjoyed its delicious cream filling, and left. I wondered what to do.
Part of me wanted to go demand a new donut, but knowing they wouldn't give me one, I dropped that option. I could have chased the homeless guy down, but then what? Would he even have seventy cents to get me a new donut? No. I looked back a my Boston Beauty, and for a second I actually thought, "I wonder how clean that homeless guy is? He probably doesn't have anything I could catch from eating this donut." I snapped out of my temporary insanity as I finished my coffee. There was no way I was eating that donut. I rolled up the rim on my empty cup, hoping to salvage what was left of my first Tim's visit since the start of gambling season. The word "win" was the first to appear. I rolled up the rest and became overcome with joy. There would be justice for me in the end.
Justice came in the form of a free donut. It's a good thing, too, because if I hadn't won, I'd probably have brought a semi-automatic weapon to Tim's the next day.
User Reviews
Submitted by vexx (user info) at 2005-08-09 14:05:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahah, i loved this
Submitted by Genko (user info) at 2004-09-23 23:30:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Roll up the rim is almost back.
Submitted by William_Q_Percy (user info) at 2004-03-18 12:32:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by bargled (user info) at 2004-03-18 01:31:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hahah
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-03-18 01:27:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Lyric (user info) at 2004-03-15 01:36:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahaha, yay for Roll up the Rim contests.
I never fucking win. I know people who end up getting free coffees and donuts like every day, I think I won a donut ONCE.
Submitted by Fleadh (user info) at 2004-03-04 06:52:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Good story but only 1 for not kicking the hobos ass.
C
Submitted by Yes at 2004-03-03 22:12:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yes, it would've... who fucking knows where his finger has been... dirty fucker.
Submitted by Ace (user info) at 2004-03-03 20:53:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Definitely.
Ya damn skippy.
Submitted by Genko (user info) at 2004-03-03 19:34:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Yes,
when you told me to kick that bum's ass, for a second I read "you shoulda licked that bum's ass."
Maybe I've been reading too much Uber.
Would eating the donut have counted as licking a bum's ass?
Submitted by Yes (user info) at 2004-03-03 18:57:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
you shoulda kicked that bum's ass.... or that ass's bum, whichever.
Submitted by Trout (user info) at 2004-03-03 18:53:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I'd I've punched the cunt.
Fucking hobos.
Boston Cream donuts are the best.
Submitted by codered1357 (user info) at 2004-03-03 18:51:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
"My donut was now a rape victim"
Classic- the rest was okay