I am defective (1181 hits)
Category: GraphicsRating: 1.48 on 38 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by ohlookasquirrel (View user info) at 2004-03-03 21:01:52 EST
Why are the majority of people so blunt? Please, use words like curvy, voluptuous, even interesting- not fat. Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you my biggest insecurity and only physical oddity; my thumbs.
Something went horribly wrong here. I am a small person, yet my thumbs are abnormally huge. Perhaps, I inherited my mother's hands and my father's joints. Perhaps I was exposed to hazardous waste in the womb and developed this comical mutation as an unforeseen side effect. Either way, the result is not one but two very fucked up digits.
I like to think that my thumbs form a nice, pleasant, hourglass shape. However, most who lay eyes on them beg to differ. My thumbs have had the privilege of being called by the following hurtful names.
1. Hammerhead sharks
2. Midgets
3. "That's not thick, that's just fat"
4. Hit by a sledgehammer
5. And, my absolute favorite, "What's that on your han...- oh my god!"
Kids can be so cruel. And so, I am permanently scarred because of my special feature. My peers mock me, my family smirks, I am ashamed. I do everything I can to hide my thumbs in a little fist so that those who have not yet discovered my deformity will not do so. The very mention of the word thumb makes me cringe.
My people, why can't we all just be brothers and sisters?
Behold: In the land of the most retarded finger, the thumb, mine reign supreme.
User Reviews
Submitted by Slapshot99 (user info) at 2004-06-16 18:37:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
yesssssss siiiiirrrrreeee...thats a "Monkey Thumb"
Submitted by okiwilltellyou (user info) at 2004-04-21 10:55:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
My.....what voluptuous thumbs you have. wink wink.
Submitted by tomb (user info) at 2004-04-21 10:46:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
that makes two of us with thumbs like that
Submitted by Manfre (user info) at 2004-03-15 09:31:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by ohlookasquirrel (user info) at 2004-03-04 11:08:55 (#)
Ranking: 0
Haha, manfre, that's exactly it, I am a little girl
(well, in the physical sense of the word) and I have
"nice normal manly thumbs". It makes me...unique?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Oh...
You should get breast implants. Itll draw a lot of attention away from your thumbs.
Breast implants are a cure all for everything.
Got a freakishly long left arm? Get some titties and noone will notice.
Submitted by hcp28 (user info) at 2004-03-07 01:16:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'll tell you what I'd do with those thumbs...
I'd have you help me get this peanut jar open, damn peanuts we need more grippage here.
Submitted by squanky (user info) at 2004-03-07 00:18:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Biloba (user info) at 2004-03-07 00:02:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It's a genetic condition that I also have. My thumbs look like my big toe. I met a guy that had one normal one and one that was short...odd.
Submitted by smithy32 (user info) at 2004-03-06 23:44:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
that cowgirl book kicks ass
Submitted by nathanscivic (user info) at 2004-03-06 23:02:18 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Why are you so self conscious about your thumbs? Did something happen to your thumb when you were a child? How about a hitch hiking disaster. You were hitching a ride to Albaquerque when someone driving by yelled, "Check out those thumbs!".
Submitted by ThatOneGirl (user info) at 2004-03-05 22:11:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Well, if it makes you feel any better, I have ginormous big toes. They are like three times the size of my other toes. Well ok, maybe not three times..... but still. It's kinda weird.
Submitted by ohlookasquirrel (user info) at 2004-03-05 22:08:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Haha, I've read that book actually. At that point I didn't realize I had crazy thumbs, and I'd like to think mine aren't quite so drastic as Sissy something or other's. That was a good book though, mostly because of the lesbian cowgirls, but still!
Submitted by Kilgore (user info) at 2004-03-05 16:01:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
You should check out "Even Cowgirls Get the Blues" by Tom Robbins. The main character has massive thumbs. Also: hot lesbian cowgirls.
Submitted by potatomanjack (user info) at 2004-03-05 15:55:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Do your thumbs give you any super powers?
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2004-03-05 15:47:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I have long and slender fingers. Just like my mommy.
Submitted by ohlookasquirrel (user info) at 2004-03-04 11:08:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Haha, manfre, that's exactly it, I am a little girl
(well, in the physical sense of the word) and I have
"nice normal manly thumbs". It makes me...unique?
Submitted by fionavar (user info) at 2004-03-04 08:18:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
All the better to crack open nuts with!
Try having a "pointy Spock ear". I normally cover it with my hair.
Then comes a romantic, nibble on the ear, moment.
"EWW! Are you half Vulcan or something?"
Tends to ruin the mood...
Submitted by Manfre (user info) at 2004-03-04 08:16:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
They look like perfectly normal mans thumbs. Except for the fact that they do look somewhat like flat head screw drivers. But I think someone mentioned that before.
Just tell everyone your a carpenter and itll make you look manly.
If at first you dont succeed cheat. Cheat until you get caught. Then lie.
Submitted by Kracka (user info) at 2004-03-04 07:39:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
looks kinda like a cartoon thumb. i like cartoons.
-Hump, the Blackest Ninja
Submitted by Kristen (user info) at 2004-03-04 02:12:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ohhhhh, c'mon. Let's thumbwar.
Submitted by AnnabelLee (user info) at 2004-03-03 23:00:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Looks like a friend of mine's thumb. We tell her she has SPATULA THUMB.
Submitted by Swik (user info) at 2004-03-03 22:58:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Heh, if that is all that you feel is wrong with you, there is nothing to worry about. Everyone has things about them they do not like physically, even the most attractive person in the world. Honestly if you just are worried about your thumbs it's okay. Next time you feel like you have oddly shaped thumbs (you don't) and that they are ugly (they aren't) think about the person without any thumbs.
I always felt bad for not having shoes until I met a man without feet.
Submitted by bob (user info) at 2004-03-03 22:25:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
thats not fat, just voluptuous.
how could people be so stupid?
Submitted by ohlookasquirrel (user info) at 2004-03-03 22:20:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
You guys are priceless. Thanks, especially daking and poly. This was a jokey thing though...I don't actually have issues. Scratch that, I don't actually have issues about my thumbs, I find them amusing. Other issues, THOSE I have, haha.
Submitted by dakingisdead (user info) at 2004-03-03 22:18:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hell they ain't nuttin wrong with them thumbs grrrrl.
Squirrels need to have strong digits to hold on tight.
You should see my left hand. I managed to saw 1/3 of my middle finger off in a table saw. I wear a fucking great turqouise ring on it and you know it amazes me that people, who I have known for sometime, will suddenly stop mid sentence and say "Wow what happened to your finger".
Anyways however you feel about your thumbs just KNOW that you have lovely eyes.
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-03-03 21:43:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Don't take that shit, Viv. If you don't like the British you shouldn't be bullied into it. I personally have no qualms about the British... they're almost as good as the Irish. Kidding, Trout. I can't stand anyone.
Submitted by Yes (user info) at 2004-03-03 21:42:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
looks okay to me... i like playing with hands (well, all body parts really) and interesting hands are fun to play with... can i suck your thumb?
Submitted by ohlookasquirrel (user info) at 2004-03-03 21:37:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
If I ever gave someone a negative two for being british, it was by accident. I've given out a few accidental negative twos but I always remedy them... I'm gonna go figure out who that was and remedy it...sorry.
Submitted by Trout (user info) at 2004-03-03 21:26:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
You gave someone (not me) a -2 for being British.
So I'm giving you a -2 for having thumbs , even though your username does remind me of the simpsons episode when Homer chases the squirrel round the tree with a stick.
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-03-03 21:18:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
What's with all the hating on Vivian, Trout?
Submitted by andras (user info) at 2004-03-03 21:18:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh cmon, they look normal. Perhaps they look normal because mine are weird...
Submitted by ohlookasquirrel (user info) at 2004-03-03 21:13:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Goddamn me that was supposed to be a zero..
Submitted by ohlookasquirrel (user info) at 2004-03-03 21:12:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Haha, I did post a pic of me on my fourth post or something, it's there somewhere.
Submitted by Bigandsexy (user info) at 2004-03-03 21:10:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
show us a pic of you!!!!1
Submitted by laughatme91 (user info) at 2004-03-03 21:09:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
they are rather voluptuous
Submitted by ohlookasquirrel (user info) at 2004-03-03 21:07:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Why do you hate me so much trout?
Submitted by kai070169 (user info) at 2004-03-03 21:07:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh don't be silly. +2 for your sexy thumbs.
Submitted by Trout (user info) at 2004-03-03 21:06:08 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
oh look a -2
Why don't you keep them jammed right behind your eyeballs.
Then:
a) You can't see them.
b) Your resulting blindness means you can't post here anymore.
Submitted by PukingDog (user info) at 2004-03-03 21:04:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow! They really do look like hammerhead sharks!