The Passion Of The Me (1391 hits)
Category: Movies & TVRating: 1.64 on 28 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Jesus Christ (View user info) at 2004-03-03 23:19:29 EST
Recently I went to Silver City Polo Park, anticipating Mel Gibson's new epic, The Passion Of The Christ. I hadn't been this pumped about seeing a movie since Jesus Christ Superstar, and the lesser-known sequel, Jesus Christ Pornstar. But I digress.
I stood in line for damn near half an hour in the blistering cold outside the theatre and the blistering heat inside the theatre. Finally I reached the ticket jobber. The dialogue went as follows.
"One for Passion."
"That'll be $8.50."
"Are you fucking shitting me?"
"Sir, mind your language- there are children here."
She pointed to a group of small children probably there to see Triplets Of Belleville or whatever other piece of shiite foreign movie kids go on field trips to see.
"Hey kids, check this shit out."
I pulled out my 40 of rohypnol and pounded it back in one saviourly swagger. I fainted soon after, and woke up eight hours later lying on one of the bikes for the virtual motorcycle arcade games. In my sleep I had defeated the ghost of Dale Earnhardt in a race for a large monetary sum, and by large monetary sum, I mean he had to shave my pubes if he lost. His only revenge is how he weilded that ungodly razor.
When I was conscious, I went back to the ticket jobber.
"One for Passion."
"$8.50."
"Do we get a special discount if the movie is about us?"
"No."
"I'm Jesus fucking Christ. I deserve a Jesus fucking discount."
"Did you just proclaim yourself the son of God?"
"Get the fucking wax out of your ears, asshole. Of course I just proclaimed it. Now if you please, hand me my fucking ticket, cocksucker, before I use my powers of black magic to hurl you off the parapet dilly-o on the roof to prove it."
"Fine, whatever, take your Goddamn ticket."
"Don't you fucking take my name in vain, chode. I'm Jesus fucking Christ. I deserve Jesus fucking respect."
In the end, I never actually did see the movie. Instead I told jokes to people playing in the arcade or waiting in line at the Pizza Hut or Burger King or TCBY or wherever the fuck people were paying an extra $3 penalty for the benefit of eating food in a theatre other than popcorn.
And what the fuck is up with Wetzel's Pretzels? Wetzel isn't a fucking name! I'm going to start Jesus Fucking Pretzels, which are heavily salted greasy oversized pretzels in the shape of the cross and Star of David. I think it should go over quite well if The Passion can rake in $125 000 000 like it already has. You know, I haven't gotten one fucking cent of the movie's profits. And as such, Mel Gibson's name shall not appear in the Book of Life. In fact, neither will the Pope's, just because I said so.
Best joke I told that night: "What do you call a guy with Kaposi's Sarcoma and HIV?"
Dead silence.
"Screwed! Ha ha ha!"
Dead silence.
"Fuckers."
At that point I saddled up the H1 and began the several thousand mile journey back to my new house in the Hamptons, which I have described in a previous submission. I suggest you check it out.
Aww yeah.
User Reviews
Submitted by Ingsoc (user info) at 2006-05-28 15:51:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
UH HUH
Submitted by Kent_Weirdo (user info) at 2004-08-25 23:03:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Degreeless_Capibara (user info) at 2004-08-25 22:47:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This makes me sorry that dirtygook skullfucked you.
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-07-28 14:57:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Christ (user info) at 2004-07-28 11:04:10 (#)
Ranking: -2
Really!
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Submitted by Christ (user info) at 2004-07-28 11:03:58 (#)
Ranking: -2
What a horrible post!
Submitted by Christ at 2004-07-11 21:08:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yeehaw!
Submitted by WhoLetYouIn (user info) at 2004-07-11 15:18:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Don't you fucking take my name in vain, chode. I'm Jesus fucking Christ. I deserve Jesus fucking respect."
+2
Submitted by Christ at 2004-07-11 15:01:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Rather!
Submitted by Spiral_Abraxis (user info) at 2004-06-09 21:46:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice little story.
Submitted by Anti-social (user info) at 2004-06-09 21:04:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky (user info) at 2004-04-28 15:03:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"I'm Jesus fucking Christ. I deserve a Jesus fucking discount."
such greatness leaves me speechless. awesome post!
Submitted by Fleadh (user info) at 2004-03-04 12:05:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
good stuff.
Submitted by freebie (user info) at 2004-03-04 10:08:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I liked, alot.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-03-04 09:46:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2004-03-04 09:28:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Meh
Submitted by squattail (user info) at 2004-03-04 04:29:21 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
HAHAHA IT IS VERY FUNNY TO SEE BECAUSE YOU ARE SAYING THAT YOU ARE JESUS CHRIST HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-03-04 02:08:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"I hadn't been this pumped about seeing a movie since Jesus Christ Superstar, and the lesser-known sequel, Jesus Christ Pornstar. But I digress."
Submitted by bart (user info) at 2004-03-04 01:31:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Psychotic but funny.
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2004-03-04 01:20:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
For the first time ever, you made me laugh.
Don't do it again. :)
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2004-03-04 00:39:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Jesus facts at 2004-03-04 00:31:58 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Jesus was slow as fuck, his foot speed was novice like and he coudn't catch. This disiple threw him a fish and it totally banged into his chest! What a tool! http://www.geocities.com/captain_foamy
Submitted by Blitzen (user info) at 2004-03-04 00:26:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
this made me laugh.. laugh out loud if you will
and here i thought that this was going to suck because 1) it was about that movie and 2) it was written by you
you have proved the Blitzen wrong. congrats
Submitted by enraged_baboon (user info) at 2004-03-04 00:18:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
blahblahblah - not reading it
+2 for "the passion of the me"
Submitted by Herpes (user info) at 2004-03-03 23:54:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I laughed too. The apocolypse is upon us!!
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2004-03-03 23:52:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
this is actually really amusing.
Submitted by Heimdallsman (user info) at 2004-03-03 23:51:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm +2ing a Jesus Christ post... I can't believe it.
Funny stuff.
--HeimdallsMan
Submitted by KoolMang (user info) at 2004-03-03 23:27:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh man, when I get home from a hard day at work, I love to read a Jesus Christ post, and this made my mood a LOT better :)
Submitted by LnkLbrl120 (user info) at 2004-03-03 23:23:42 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
You're a self proclaimed narcisitic clown? Sadly thats only your online role playing life.
Have fun man. Don't try and be cute with me, not enjoyable!
Submitted by Zod (user info) at 2004-03-03 23:23:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Haha, I really hate you. But this made me laugh. So take your 2 and go away.