I Have Been "There and Back Again" (705 hits)
Category: NoneRating: -0.09 on 14 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Staci Nicole <cmpkllurslf.at.hotmail.com> (View user info) at 2004-03-06 02:32:07 EST
Oh, yes. Hand in hand with Mr. Baggins himself. I had decided to go see the third LOTR flick when We (me and 'ol Bagg) pulled up at about ah 'qwatah tah nine. At first I think there's an accident or something. I mean, shit.. I've gone through three seven song classic rock blocks on Rock105, and I'm actually singing along to the subliminal advertisment do-whas on the radio. As I finally near the intersection, I realize that no. There's no accident other than the shit stream of traffic blocking the road and getting in MY way. (Let's completely disreguard the fact that I was a piece of corn in this shit stream, even though my car isn't yellow, but this has nothing t-Hey look, a butterfly...) Now, I'm being forced to merge into a... a-what? Shitty used car sales lot? NO! It's where you have to park; exactly one-point-three miles from the ticket tender.
Fucking Great.
As I'm making my journey to the hopefully attractive attatendant at the window, I'm am asaulted by intense and various amounts of Stupidity. There are many many many levels of stupidity, as I'm sure you all are aware. To go over a few:
1) The audacity of a fifteen year old girl to wear a pair of plaid pants, PRE-Punk'd out!!! with zippers and oversized safety pins, and an XXXst-shirt stating, "Goth Princess" in fancy-shmantcy letters. And they actually blame sex offenders. These children get all whored up to go on a "date" that their mom drives them to in a mini-van to see a movie that they expect their parents to pay for. And since when do kids need make up? Trust me, it's not helping your puberty acne. They deserve it, little hussies. And the parents too, for not reigning over their children with good old fashioned set of morals and an Iron Fist. I'm a female, but I will state about the masses; That chicks are fucking morons. If it weren't for the sex, I'd be embarassed to be one.
2) The idiot-fuck driving round
and round
and round in the parking lot with his speakers knocking off California's Rhictor(sp?) Scale. What a royal asshole. If I were a leprechaun, on St. Patty's Day I would go around to assholes' cars and change around all the wiring for their car systems so it would fuck their day up. Because leprechauns are decietful, riddling, spying little creatures. And did I mention I'm half leprechaun?
3) The mentally handicaped guy with the fuckin' fastest automated wheel chair you've ever seen or had a secret temptation to ride; battery powered, thumb-steered. Enough said...
4) The people who haven't decided what movie to see yet. JUST PICK A FUCKING MOVIE!!! If you don't know what you want to see when you get there, chances are you didn't go to see a particular movie, you're there just to waste time and money and my precious patience. So just pick a fucking movie, it doesn't matter. They all have the same plot anyway.
5) The prices at the ticket booth. Who in the hell decided ...
6) The ticket tear-er that stands at the door tearering tearded tickets who proceeds to point you in the wrong section of the theatre... -er.
7) They have two really nice snack bars. Redemption, maybe... ? SLAP!! Hell no. The one in the back is NEVER in use. Repeat NEVER IN USE. So what the hell is it there for? To allure me to the other side of the theatre to check and see if it's open, then realize it's not, get pissed off, walk all the way back up to the front while bitching and moaning the whole way about my fruitless trek for refreshment and the price of a box of sno-caps. All the while on the walls the posters and up-comming movie shots in frames with cheezy lightbulbs are hypnotizing me, tempting me to plan on wasting more money in the near future..
8) Those bouncy chineese acrobat prodigies that play the Dance-Dance Revlution game complete with dance pad, new catchy techno remix beats and surround sound. That shit is impossible. Not that I've ever tried to do it or anything...
We'll take a break to acknowledge a non-stupid thing: The friendly comercial RIGHT before the movie starts that reminds you not to talk, to belt wailing babies, and to turn off your cellphones. However, the power of Idiot-fuck is sometimes overwhelming for a few which, leads us to number...
9) Dick holes that don't turn off their cellular pieces of shit with assanying hip new polyphonic ringtones. I think they do it on purpose, I know it... They're all always plotting and scheming. The They...
and 10) People who bring babies into theatres. I mean, for fuck's sake. The bastard doesn't shut up for two hours at home, why should you expect it in a darkned theatre with constant wham surround sound and flashing lights on the screen? What the hell is a child worth anyway? It shits it's pants, it cries, it demands attention and love and affection and care. I had to use a thesauraus to look up synonyms for 'happy' just now. Those aren't even real emotions, in fact emotions arent' real. So don't fool yourself; you're only setting it up to fail.
I would continue writing, but I'm so high my eyelids feel like they weigh a hundred tons. I once heard that a million dollars in one dollar bills is one metric ton. $1m=1t. Crazy. I'm sure we're all bored to death anyway with yet another pointless article...
AT&T there is & this time, suckers.
User Reviews
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-06-03 14:41:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
no, no, noooooo!
Tell me you didn't use the television program 'punk'd' to set a timeline.
Submitted by BonesForBucks (user info) at 2004-03-08 08:16:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was a good post. Worthy of being published in a humor magazine. Maybe even a special feature (with illustrations of course) in MAD Magazine. I have a shitload of friends who work at the cinema back home, so when I got it's always free, don't have to pay shit for tickets. And if I bring a grocery bag, they'll fill it with popcorn for me.
I'm Irish, so power to ya for any leprechaun-like highjinks.
And I'm tired of slutty 10-year-old girls. And 10-year-old-guys bragging about their penis size. How in the hell would they know? The only way I think they could get it up would be with some kindof erection splint. Maybe they make 'em in Cub Scouts.
Every cinema I go to, the back concession stands are NEVER open. I've asked people who work at the cinema, and they won't tell me. I think there's minefields or something.
Submitted by WiKi (user info) at 2004-03-06 12:18:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+1 for listening to Rock 105. Could you be from the Jacksonville, FL area? This theater sounds like the AMC 24 in Orange Park..
+1 for being ADD! Butterflies rule..
Submitted by DarthAwesome (user info) at 2004-03-06 09:20:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
"I'm a female..."
Thats how dumbass.
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-03-06 05:35:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
rock 105 i hear that station
Submitted by DavyJones (user info) at 2004-03-06 05:15:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Good read.
Submitted by Herpes (user info) at 2004-03-06 05:02:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Bullet to the head?
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2004-03-06 04:50:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
this is so fuckin cool
im not sitting in my chair
im floating
anybody know how to get rid of a pain killer medicine high?
Submitted by Lucifer_Industries (user info) at 2004-03-06 03:27:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was great. Don't be offended by the other Uberists lapse of judgement concerning this post. What my friends and enemies of Ubersite don't realize is that THIS post of yours is meant to be read, high. Yes, a good drink or two wouldn't even do it justice.
Now I recommend that all those who have rated this, go back behind their garages, burn, and return to this post and give it a reread.
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The mentally handicaped guy with the fuckin' fastest automated wheel chair you've ever seen or had a secret temptation to ride; battery powered, thumb-steered.
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This is brilliant.
That fucking girl you describe in the plaid pants, pins and shit made me mad as all get out. It made me come to the screetching conclusion that I, somewhere along the line, have become an elitist. That chick makes me want to grab her by the face and scream "How dare you?!"
M@LONE
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2004-03-06 03:01:57 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Oh, the name. I get it.
I can still wish prostate cancer on the cunt, can't I?
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2004-03-06 02:58:23 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
how could you possibly figure that out from this disaster of a post?
Submitted by KoolMang (user info) at 2004-03-06 02:52:46 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Method, the poster is female.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2004-03-06 02:44:00 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
thanks for making my eyes bleed, shitbreak.
I have never wished prostate cancer on anyone until now.
Submitted by squattail (user info) at 2004-03-06 02:37:46 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
there is always a chance you have some undiagnosed terminal illness. I can only hope