Old Home Movies: Behind the Camera (2552 hits)
Category: Movies & TVRating: 1.78 on 24 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Sideburns (View user info) at 2004-03-08 19:50:18 EST
Date of video: February 25, 1987
Place: Charleston AFB; Charleston, South Carolina
''Who's the Boss'' was on the television in the background. My mom was on the couch holding her newborn baby, Crystal. I was on the floor right in front of them playing with my blocks. You guessed it, Dad was behind the camcorder. When he has that big piece of machinery on his shoulder(it was the 80's, everything was big), he doesn't say a word. He lets his filming actions speak for itself. I have no idea why my dad decided to catch this day on video. Nothing spectacular was happening. Grandma was coming over later, I was going to play at the playground across the street, and that's about it.
"Justin! Those two blocks don't fit together! You've got it ass backwards. You're pissing me off!"
"Mommy! Why can't I doooo it??"
"Because you're stupid, that's why. Go play over there!"
"Deborah. Do something for the camera" my dad said. "I can't show you my boobs now, I'm holding the baby." Nothing really interesting seems to be going on in the living room, so my dad decides to give the video viewing audience a tour of the house. I don't know WHY he gives these tours. The only people that have ever seen these videos are me, my sister and mom. My dad's tour of the house includes 10 second still shots of every framed picture hanging on the wall. Apparently having a picture isn't enough, we also need to have it documented on videotape somewhere. As he zooms in, you can hear the motor of the camera working. The zoom feature sounds like a blender...
"REENNNNHHHHH"
I've seen all of my home movies a couple dozen times growing up, but I've never really listened to the conversations behind the video camera.
The camera cuts to the whole family--minus my sister-- walking to the park. (A year ago my mom told me the problems that her and my dad were having around the year 1987. Apparently she cheated on him several times with a guy named Paul. With that said, let's get back to the action...) My mom turns and looks at the camera with an odd smile. "Hey, I'm gonna go see how Paul's doing. I'll be back over here in 15 minutes."
Being almost 3 years old at the time, I was definitely the youngest kid on the playground. To me, this wasn't a place to come play, oh no. This was a place to meet older women. And meet them I did. On this particular day, my target was 7 year old Christina. Back when I was three, she was the most amazing girl ever:
3'5
65 lbs.
Yeah, I know. You're drooling, right? She had the most awesome ponytails. Not to mention she always gave me free candy.
Just as I'm making my move on this older chick, my mom comes walking from Paul's house toward my dad. "Hey, what'd I miss?". I decide to take Christina on an adventure known as a leaf fight. I pick up leaves and toss them into her face. Oh yea, take that. She retaliates by dumping leaves on me as I bend over to pick up more. I've been defeated. I do what any defeated 3 year old does when he's been upstaged by a female. I cried.
As my dad's filming the leaf fight of the kids, a blonde woman in short shorts is walking her dog in the background. Daddy-o notices:
"RENNHHHHHHH"
A few minutes later grandma walks up and joins in on the fun. This would be my mom's mom, so my dad is no way related to her. Which makes the following situation seem a bit better than it should be. My dad proceeds to give my grandma the ol' ''up and down'' view with the camcorder, the zooms in on....ew. Grandma doesn't notice this and is trying her best to get me to play with the only minority on the playground..
"Justin! Come over here and play with this nigger boy!" she yells at the top of her lungs.
"Hey, don't say that so loud", my dad says.
Not so loud? How about NOT AT ALL!
After realizing that Christina has shunned me as a possible mate, I just give up and go play on the slide with the other kids. As I'm climbing up the slide, my mom lets it be known how much she cares about me:
"Okay, if he falls off that slide you're taking him to the emergency room. I have a hair appointment at 5."
Ahh, the wonder years.
User Reviews
Submitted by negative2man. (user info) at 2004-07-15 11:23:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
"Because you're stupid, that's why. Go play over there!"
Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2004-04-06 19:33:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Anansie at 2004-03-09 12:37:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by junebug (user info) at 2004-03-09 10:32:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hahaha
Submitted by jumpinjellyfish (user info) at 2004-03-09 10:19:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Excellent story.
Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2004-03-09 01:03:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ha! You get another +2 for nominating me as a 'good writer'.
Submitted by Kristen (user info) at 2004-03-09 00:14:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh, I'll give you some free candy...
Submitted by someone (user info) at 2004-03-08 23:40:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
great story man, keep em coming
Submitted by ohlookasquirrel (user info) at 2004-03-08 23:18:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"I do what any defeated 3 year old does when he's been upstaged by a female. I cried. "
Uh... hate to break it to you justin, but when you were three? Don't you mean more like, last week?
Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2004-03-08 21:22:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yeah, Mac has a point. I think I might have voiced similar sentiments myself on some of your other posts, Justin. Your material would actually sound good in a stand-up routine too.
Submitted by Zod (user info) at 2004-03-08 21:18:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Back when I was three, she was the most amazing girl ever:
3'5
65 lbs.
Yeah, I know. You're drooling, right? She had the most awesome ponytails. Not to mention she always gave me free candy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why do you like to make me laugh so much? Seriously, you need to stop. I don't like all these "pant-wettingly funny stories". Who are you trying to impress, huh? Stop posting your hilarious shit right now, before I start to really enjoy myself!
Submitted by Mac (user info) at 2004-03-08 21:06:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Sideburns,
You gotta start believing in yourself more. Look at half the bullshit books that are published (not to mention half the bullshit movies that come out) and I think you'll realize that YOU COULD DO BETTER THAN THEM. Trust me, you can.
Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2004-03-08 21:03:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good story, boyo.
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2004-03-08 20:49:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Wow, Mac. Thanks for the compliments, that really does mean something coming from a talented writer such as yourself. I love writing these stories and entertaining you guys, but I honestly don't think my works are talented--or funny-- enough to get published. I'm not a writer, I don't think I can make a living off of it. There are SO many more people on Uber more deserving of the title of 'good writer', including you, Spikey, Ainkara, polyamorousaj, Zod, Kristen, Phoenix, Tom, Phinch, Loki, Jonukah, Scott_James, and many many more.
I consider myself mediocre at best when it comes to writing skills.
But thanks.
Hey, if you sound that confident in me, why don't you throw your money into me and publish my books? C'mon, I'll give you whatever percentage you want.
Submitted by Mac (user info) at 2004-03-08 20:43:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Sideburns,
Glad to hear the family is doing good. Incase you didn't read this, here it is again-
http://www.ubersite.com/m/26906#414744
Submitted by Kracka (user info) at 2004-03-08 20:37:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
my dad never did any of the things your dad did. at least i never found out about them thank god. but he would sing that now annoying chili's song when it came out so you have video of stuff and about every 10 seconds my dad singing "chiliiiiiiii's baby back ribs.
i hate that song.
-Black Ninja
Submitted by Can_Always_Trust_A_Liar (user info) at 2004-03-08 20:33:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
my family is so boring...
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2004-03-08 20:28:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Again, your family disturbs me slightly...
Submitted by smokymtcsw (user info) at 2004-03-08 20:11:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
An awesome mullet in the pic, and cheating only took 15 minutes...outstanding
Submitted by russizm (user info) at 2004-03-08 20:04:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Winnie!
Submitted by Lyric (user info) at 2004-03-08 20:03:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"I do what any defeated 3 year old does when he's been upstaged by a female. I cried."
I can still make 3 year olds cry.
What?
Submitted by Scientifik (user info) at 2004-03-08 19:56:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Grandmas boobs, evidence of your mom cheating, the word "nigger", an attractive woman wearing 80's clothing and the whirring sound.
+2 all the way
Submitted by volklcess (user info) at 2004-03-08 19:53:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oooohhh, so this is why you wouldn't shut up about the Wonder Years theme song? hehe...
:-)
Phoenix
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-03-08 19:53:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Haha.