Emails dont soften the blow (828 hits)
Category: Humor -> Dumb JobsRating: 1.51 on 32 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by MrCoffee (View user info) at 2004-03-10 23:27:33 EST
Slowly, My aching legs staggered to my cubicle.
Bleary eyed, and droop-tailed, my poorly co-coordinated morning's finger depressed the button marked "on"
The computer arose from its sleep with a whirr and a beep.
My sleepy, hung-over brain -irritated that this machine got more sleep than it - commanded my eyes to focus and decipher the images presented.
My eyes scowled and the prospect, but obeyed slowly, squinting and blinking at the bright screen in front of them.
With a joyous "ping," the little envelope appeared on my taskbar, sandwiched between the small digitized time and the constantly blinking network status icon.
My heart gave a beat and kicked my body into alertness.
Could this be a message of importance? Could it be a premature light at the end of the monotonous 9 to 5 tunnel which I just entered?
Who would have thought it would only hold truly horrific information.
"Ooh good" my brain thought as my cursor drew closer to the fate that awaited it with open jaws
"I wonder who it's from" my mind asked itself as my finger depressed the mouse's momentary switch, sent the charge, which in turn gave the CPU the thumbs up to open hell on my world.
In an instant the familiar interface of Outlook graced me with its bland grey and white presence
My eyes,now alert and trained like assassins for the kill, moved fluidly and effortlessly to the box that was marked "from" like so many times before that fateful morn.
A Familiar name - the name of the office secretary - graced me with its presence and welcomed my gaze with open arms.
My adrenal glands on standby, my eyes lowered to the box marked "subject" only to find the word "Attention".
A stalling tactic if ever my brain had seen, gave the executive command to my eyes to proceed directly to the grail of un-marked text boxes; The Message Box.
Word by word, the message unfolded in front of my eyes. Each word, bringing me closer to the inevitable conclusion that my eagerly awaiting brain had already inferred.
The pang of shock and fear surged down my core. The screen and its message of life destroying information seemed distant and dreamlike
Had my body not been supported by its chair, it would have fallen to the bland, grey carpet below with a lifeless,soundless scream, only to continue falling and be swallowed by the grey carpet's awaiting maw of hell.
Had my arms not been resting on their desk, the power of this devastating message would have seen them fall to my side, limp and lifeless like a bird in the jaws of a predatory cat.
Emptiness enveloped me, closing in to my innards and soul. I have never been a religious person by my lips were to mutter the phrase "dear lord no" under my thin, lifeless breath. as the message sunk in, to my mind.
My eyes looked across to a newly arrived co-worker, to see him shaking his head slowly with a solitary tear running down his cheek, no doubt burning to his cheek-bone like acid
He maneuvered his head around and we made eye contact
We shared each others pain.
Never had I wanted something so badly yet only to have it torn from my life.
User Reviews
Submitted by PWNstar (user info) at 2004-04-26 23:38:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I love how it addresses people. "Sydney Staff" sounds like an Australian porn-star's name if I ever heard one.
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2004-04-26 23:30:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
funny stuff.
Submitted by ExplodingGopher (user info) at 2004-04-26 23:28:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Heh. Just a chuckle. That's it.
Submitted by BleedTheSky (user info) at 2004-04-26 23:06:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
That was fucking gay.
Submitted by Trishtopher (user info) at 2004-04-26 23:04:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh...you poor, poor man.
Submitted by Degreeless_Capibara (user info) at 2004-04-26 22:59:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Time heals all wounds. Except this one. Now your life's ruined. Congrats.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/31438
Submitted by Spiral_Abraxis (user info) at 2004-04-26 22:55:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ha.
Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2004-04-26 22:40:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by mystiamoon (user info) at 2004-04-23 01:26:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I liked it.
Submitted by lazaruslng9676 (user info) at 2004-03-11 12:35:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Dude, that was hilarious. I'm not a coffee drinker but I have an alternative means of imbibing my caffeine in the morning....soda. I'd die if I couldn't have my morning soda.
Submitted by Mr-Boo (user info) at 2004-03-11 12:05:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Excellently executed.
Submitted by jumpinjellyfish (user info) at 2004-03-11 11:43:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
good story
Submitted by ohlookasquirrel (user info) at 2004-03-11 11:26:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
oh noooooo!!!
Submitted by littledan (user info) at 2004-03-11 11:20:07 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
Kinda pointless, but not funny-pointless. Not the worst though.
Submitted by roxxxy (user info) at 2004-03-11 11:06:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Actually laughed out loud when I read that
Good job!
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2004-03-11 10:43:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
OH damn this is terrible. Do they have an equivalent of OSHA there? http://www.osha.gov/
I'm pretty sure that this is an OSHA violation and people just shouldn't be expected to work under these unreasonably harsh conditions.
Submitted by dohnuts (user info) at 2004-03-11 10:02:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Me no function good coffee without.
Submitted by Deisangua (user info) at 2004-03-11 07:49:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Heh...
Submitted by DJMattB241 (user info) at 2004-03-11 07:31:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 because i know how you feel.
Submitted by DJMattB241 (user info) at 2004-03-11 07:30:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 because i know how you feel.
Submitted by jimbo (user info) at 2004-03-11 06:59:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I lived in Sydney for a year (You can read my first 3 posts to get a feel for my experience), and I have to say I was not impressed with the coffee at all. Except for the Coogee Hotel. For some unknown reason, they had some decent beans.
Great post.
Submitted by Fabish (user info) at 2004-03-11 03:08:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by MrCoffee (user info) at 2004-03-11 00:20:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Thanks all,
the Email is real, while i didnt qute have the reaction i wrote, i still seriously need my afternoon caffene hit which i havnt had coz of that stupid machine.
They're lucky it didnt break thismorning or i would have gone beserk
Submitted by Taken (user info) at 2004-03-11 00:14:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Im having extra coffee.....just for u!
Submitted by dakingisdead (user info) at 2004-03-11 00:11:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
fuck I ment +2 but scrolled after clicking box
Sorry sorry I am so fucking sorry.
OK
Submitted by dakingisdead (user info) at 2004-03-11 00:09:50 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Good excuse to go out to the get takeaway coffee.
Submitted by Qutaiba (user info) at 2004-03-11 00:05:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by jeetkunetony (user info) at 2004-03-11 00:01:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Hairsphincter (user info) at 2004-03-10 23:40:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Bless you. You even miss the tepid dishwater passed for coffee in Sydney.
Submitted by MistressSarah (user info) at 2004-03-10 23:39:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Man, I woulda tore shit up. Great story.
Submitted by Merc (user info) at 2004-03-10 23:37:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice story
Submitted by Lyric (user info) at 2004-03-10 23:29:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fantastic!
I would have cried.