St. Patricks day... as it should be. (863 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 0.62 on 15 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Poisonyourkids (View user info) at 2004-03-10 23:53:39 EST
I have been inspired by all the commercials that have been telling me to treat st. patricks day like a real holiday. it seems like a lotta people are reconsidering their stand on st. patricks day.
i went to the mall today and to my surprise, where they usually have santa sitting in december, where people can go to have their picture taken with him, there was a new set up. rather than a toy shop with, with snow and elves and all kinds of christmas shit, and of course, santy clause smack dab in the middle at the end of a red carpet sitting in a big throne. this was different though.
there was a large factory looking building rather than a workshop. it said GUINESS across the top. there was no red carpet or snow. and certainly no santy clause. this building was surrounded by green hills rather than snow. the red carpet was replaced with an unfinished wooden floor, i had saw dust thrown in patches here and there, so people didnt slip in the puddles of vomit that it covered.
there was no man there taking pictures, but a surly looking gentleman behind a bar with nothing but harp and guiness on tap... there were broken tables and chairs everywhere.
i walked up to this place, and oddly enough there were no people in line... i walked across the unfinished floor, making sure to avoid the pools of vomit covered by the sawdust. i was so busy making sure i didnt slip and fall that when i looked up, i nearly jumped outa my chuck taylors, because there he was... saint patrick!
rather than sitting on a throne like santa he was on a bar stool. he was wearing some kind of green cloak and a hat kinda like the popes. he is a saint and all. he also had a huge staff with a big celtic cross at the top. there were dead snakes hung all over it. to either side of him were his trusty little helpers, both of whom where passed out. saint patty didnt look to good himself, but he motioned for me to come over, and i did.
he told me to hop up on his lap, and i said "thats real generous of you but i think ill pass... i mean, you are catholic and all... you also smell a lot like vomit and a boiled potatos." he said he took no offence, and then he proceded to lean over and puke. he sat back up and and asked me if i was irish. i said i was half irish, and he said that would good enough for him.
he said in the spirit of the upcomming holiday he would grant me one wish. and i thought about it and said that i wanted peace on earth and good will towards men. he told me to shoot a little lower, so i thought about it some more and asked him to give me to powers to pour the perfect black and tan. he did the thing that whats her face did on bewitched... you know... the nose wiggle thing. and said that it was done. i asked him if i should feel anything and he said no. i asked him if i tried it now, if i would be able to pour a perfect one. and he said i could. so i went over to the bar and sure enough i poured a perfect one on my first try. but when i tried to make a shamrock on the foam, i couldnt do it. that rat bastard fucked me over. i told him i felt gyped and he broke a bar stool over my head and then everyone in the mall started fighting...
when i woke up everyone was gone and i still couldnt make the shamrock in the foam. what the fuck.
on my way out of the mall i was walking to my car and i saw something that caught my eye. it was a kelley green honda civic with a bumper sticker that said "I break for everything but snakes and jews"
i let the air out of the bastards tires... lets see you get back to the emerald isle now you fuckin mick.
and then i realized that saint patrick had taught me a valuable lesson, and i didnt even see it until then. other holidays are about togetherness, and peace and love and even goodwill towards men. but saint patricks day is about getting cocked, fighting, and not letting gays march in our parades. by fucking me over, he was just spreading the saint patricks day spirit, the spirit that us irish have had all along. its what causes us to fight on saint patricks day, and riot in boston when the patriots win the superbowl. its what makes us storm the old boston garden when the celtics won the championship, its what makes us sing loud and proud and drunkenly at bars. its what keeps all us irish together, and what keeps everyone else out. i almost felt bad about saint pattys tires until i realized that, that was the whole point, its how he would have wanted it.
so i say, on st. patricks day. dont do anything different. get drunk, fight, riot, and be loud and belligerent. its how we have done it for years, and how it should always be done. go fight an italian, throw up green beer on someones shirt, throw a beer bottle into a crowd and hope you hit somone. dont forget to damn the english at least a few times. Irish have been opressed and shit on for as long as ireland has been a country. today is our one day for revenge. pure, unbrideled hatefull revenge. not just on english, but on other irish as well. so down some of that liquide courage, and let the world have it. and if youre not irish... fuck it, everyone is irish on st. pattys day...
i leave you with a little something i did, that all you irish folk should appreciate. heres lookin at you.
User Reviews
Submitted by poisonyourkids (user info) at 2004-03-11 15:03:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
but yeah.... um. how bout them mets...
Submitted by poisonyourkids (user info) at 2004-03-11 14:44:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
i actually kinda laughed at this when i was done too...
Submitted by poisonyourkids (user info) at 2004-03-11 14:42:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
thanks
Submitted by jumpinjellyfish (user info) at 2004-03-11 11:49:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Best post of the day!
I actually laughed out loud at this "i let the air out of the bastards tires... lets see you get back to the emerald isle now you fuckin mick. ".
Submitted by roxxxy (user info) at 2004-03-11 10:38:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Didn't read the post, but +1 for the picture
Submitted by Lyric (user info) at 2004-03-11 02:40:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Mmmmm...... I just saw the beer.
Submitted by poisonyourkids (user info) at 2004-03-11 01:01:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
keep yer head screwed on toit and ye wont ave a problem with me temper. now oim off to the pub for pint er two...
Submitted by ekky (user info) at 2004-03-11 00:58:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
typical irish man - i learnt from me dah not ever to marry one of you gits. Bad tempers you all have.
Submitted by poisonyourkids (user info) at 2004-03-11 00:54:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
aye... twas me temper got the best of me.
Submitted by ekky (user info) at 2004-03-11 00:53:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
now you shouldn't be sayin that to a wee lishle colleen
Submitted by poisonyourkids (user info) at 2004-03-11 00:48:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
aye, ye better be roightin that wrong or oid ave half a moind ta wallop ya roit in the noggin...
Submitted by ekky (user info) at 2004-03-11 00:45:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
accidently gave yas a minus ... here's a plus for ya me lishle rougue ...
Submitted by ekky (user info) at 2004-03-11 00:44:41 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
That my friend is pure poetry, slanche'... and all you fooken eejits who disagree with poison, 'well would yas all go way outta dat'
Submitted by bargled (user info) at 2004-03-11 00:40:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Children in Norway get ~5 days off school for Easter.
Submitted by poisonyourkids (user info) at 2004-03-11 00:03:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hahaha... im a fuckin idiot.