I Want My Viacom: Another Roommate Saga (1280 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 1.91 on 35 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Phoenix <volklcess.at.aol.com> (View user info) at 2004-03-11 12:43:00 EST
My normal routine when I get home from work is to pull on some comfy sweats and lay motionless on the couch for approximately 3 hours while I watch my Monday through Friday shows which include the Simpsons, Family Guy, and Futurama. My usual schedule was greatly thrown out of whack the other day when I came home to find my roommate sitting on my couch rocking back and forth like a patient fresh escaped from the mental asylum with a couch pillow under each armpit. But the fact that he had claimed my usual spot on the couch wasn't the worst part. No - the worst thing about this scenario is that he was watching Star Trek. I stood in the doorway for a few moments, debating taking off one of my high heels and lobbing it at his head. God, I hate my roommate.
Instead of going kung fu on his ass with the wrath of my heels, I opted to go into the kitchen and whip up some ramen noodles, and then when 6 o'clock rolled around I could throw a hissy fit about watching the Simpsons.
If you happen to be a Dish Network subscriber, like I am, you may have noticed that for the past couple days several channels were "missing" such as Nickelodeon, MTV, and Comedy Central - namely channels owned by CBS/Viacom. I didn't care - as a matter of fact, I probably wouldn't have even noticed the absence of these channels (with the exception of Comedy Central) had my roommate not pointed out that each of these channels had a message informing consumers that Viacom had grossly raised their rates (40% to be exact) and in order to save us from additional costs on our monthly bill, these channels were indefinitely unavailable until the problem was resolved.
I *hate* MTV, Nickelodeon is not a major part of my life, and I supposed I could live without Comedy Central - if I really wanted to watch South Park, I could download episodes off the internet. I know that I couldn't speak on behalf of the other 1.6 million subscribers of the Dish Network, but their FYI network had been so informative as to let us know we'd be discounted approximately $2 off our monthly bill until the matter was solved, and my life wouldn't be over from the lack of these channels - I'm sure I could make-do just fine with the other 147 channels we have.
My roommate, on the other hand, was absolutely devastated because seeing as Spongebob Squarepants is his religion, no Nickelodeon meant no Spongebob Squarepants. I don't dislike Spongebob Squarepants - he makes for a good laugh when I'm high, but too much of that squeaky voice and that redundant laugh and that retarded starfish named Patrick will drive me over the brink of insanity. After watching a 5-hour marathon with my roommate who refused to sacrifice the TV in our living room, *I* was the one rocking back and forth like a nut case.
So Nickelodeon was MIA and Spongebob Squarepants had taken off with them, and to make up for his Spongebob-denial my roommate had decided that Star Trek would do just fine. For the past 48-hours, or however long it was before Dish Network and Viacom mended their ways and our channels came back up (with the news that come spring we'll also be getting a "Nick Toons" channel), I listened to my roommate bitch and moan and whine about the absence of the little absorbent and yellow and porous one. Hey, wait...isn't Spongebob Squarepants very popular among the gay community? Hmmm....I wonder....
I never knew it was possible for someone to be so codependent on a cartoon character, but I honestly thought my roommate was about ready to blow his brains out if his spongy buddy didn't return soon. He was losing sleep, bags were forming under his eyes, one eye even began to rove at its own will, and he could be heard mumbling, "Why? Oh, why have you left me Spongebob?" For two nights he lay on the couch, his eyes turning a distinct blood-shot red, as he stared blankly at the TV screen silently explaining why we didn't have Nickelodeon. I almost wish it hadn't come back...I would've loved to see the loss of a cartoon destroy a grown man.
This morning before I left for work I informed my roommate that the CBS/Viacom channels were back up and running, and if you could imagine the most drastic change possible taking place, then you know what my roommate went through. Suddenly his blood-shot eyes returned to their glossy white, the bags under his eyes were miraculously sucked back into his skin, color returned to his paled face, and thank God, that eye stopped roving and returned to its regular post. It was like watching a leper start growing back missing limps - Spongebob returned and a man was reborn. Pathetic.
"Oooohhhhhh, who lives in a pineapple under the sea...."
User Reviews
Submitted by wags (user info) at 2004-03-11 17:50:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
i fuckin hate spongebob, one day i will go to his pinapple under the sea, and burn it to the ground, and then use spongebob to soak up petrol and stuuf him into a bottle and use him as a molotov cocktail to burn down patrick and that green things houses.
Submitted by volklcess (user info) at 2004-03-11 17:48:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Michelle - You can always count on me for roommate-from-hell stories. I got tons of 'em if you're ever down and need something to make you laugh.
:-)
phoenix
Submitted by LacyFace16 (user info) at 2004-03-11 16:22:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
roommate drama central! i love it.
Submitted by volklcess (user info) at 2004-03-11 16:05:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Hey Turtle, whenever you want to move to Reno, we'll welcome you with open arms. Then we'll kick our roommate out. And run him over with a semi. Numerous times.
:-D
Submitted by beer-turtle (user info) at 2004-03-11 16:01:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Erika, I could always solve your roommate problems and be yours and matt's cool roomate...
I need a change of scenery...
;)
Turtle
Submitted by volklcess (user info) at 2004-03-11 15:59:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Sure thing...hey, how about I just leave it in this message so everyone can call me?
On second thought, I'll just e-mail it to you...
Submitted by Zod (user info) at 2004-03-11 15:58:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Please, ofcourse I was rubbing it!
Hell, I'm rubbing it now...
Hey, my two favorite girls, we should do a threeway...phonecall, you sicko's!
Submitted by Kristen (user info) at 2004-03-11 15:57:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I did, I'll email you back in a bit. Can you email your number again? That would help for when I call you. One day I will write it down, I swear.
Submitted by volklcess (user info) at 2004-03-11 15:53:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Kristen - did you get the e-mail I sent you yesterday about Matt?
Submitted by Kristen (user info) at 2004-03-11 15:52:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, hooooooooo boy. That was a nice blunder.
You didn't have to cover for him, though. Everyone knows he was rubbing it.
Submitted by volklcess (user info) at 2004-03-11 15:50:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Oops. Steve was rubbing it *IN* ... it sounded pretty bad w/o that extra word, didn't it?? oh boy...
Submitted by volklcess (user info) at 2004-03-11 15:49:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Call me as late as you want, Kristen. I'll stay up and wait just for you *wink wink*
Plus you're 2 hours ahead of me....Steve was rubbing it that he talked to you last night :-(
:-)
phoenix
Submitted by Mr-Boo (user info) at 2004-03-11 15:36:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
We'll do it just as soon as you get rid of your two roommates.
Submitted by Kristen (user info) at 2004-03-11 15:28:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I am going to call you tonight, probably late, since I have some big nap plans.
Submitted by volklcess (user info) at 2004-03-11 15:21:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I miss my Kwisten!!!!!
Submitted by Kristen (user info) at 2004-03-11 15:12:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I live in a pineapple under the sea!
Submitted by smokymtcsw (user info) at 2004-03-11 14:58:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Thundercats hooooo!!!
Submitted by volklcess (user info) at 2004-03-11 14:52:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh man, Mr-Boo, you kick ass. I had tears of laughter streaming down my face as I read that...so many memories.
So when are we gonna quit our jobs and waste away the rest of our life with the good ol' toons?
:-)
phoenix
Submitted by Mr-Boo (user info) at 2004-03-11 14:43:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I know I'm going to get flack for this, but here goes...
We're tiny, we're toony
We're all a little loony
And in this cartoony
We're invading your TV
Comic dispensers
We crack up all the censors
On Tiny Toon Adventures
Get a dose of comedy
So here's Acme Acres
It's a whole wide world apart
Our home sweet home, it stands alone
A cartoon work of art
Our scripts were rejected
Expect the unexpected
Cause Tiny Toon Adventures
is about to start
They're furry, they're funny
They're Babs and Buster Bunny
Montana Max has money
Elmyra is insane
There's Hamton and Plucky
Dizzy Devil's ducky
Furrball's unlucky
and Go-Go is insane
At Acme Looniversity
We earn our toon degree
The teaching staff's
Been getting laughs since 1933
We're tiny, we're toony
We're all a little loony
It's Tiny Toon Adventures
Come and join the fun.
And now our song is done!
Submitted by Mr-Boo (user info) at 2004-03-11 14:41:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh dear, I found it...
It's time for An-i-man-i-acs
And we're zany to the max
So just sit back and relax
You'll laugh till you collapse
We're An-i-man-i-acs!
Come join the Warner brothers
And the Warner sister Dot
Just for fun we run around the Warner movie lot
They lock us in the tower whenever we get caught
But we break loose...
And then vamoose...
And now you know the plot!
We're An-i-man-i-acs
Dot is cute and Yakko yaks
Wakko packs away the snacks
While Bill Clinton plays the sax
We're An-i-man-i-acs!
Meet Pinky and the Brain, who want to rule the universe
Goodfeathers flock together, Slappy whacks 'em with her purse
Buttons chases Mindy, while Rita sings a verse
The writers flipped, we have no script, why bother to rehearse?
We're An-i-man-i-acs
We have pay or play contracts
We're zany to the max
There's baloney in our slacks
We're An-i-man-ee
Totally insane-y
{Here's the show's namey} (*)
An-i-man-ee-acs!
Those are the facts.
(*) This line changes every show
Submitted by chipolatte (user info) at 2004-03-11 14:31:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
What a fuckhead.
Submitted by volklcess (user info) at 2004-03-11 13:53:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Justy -
We're tiny, we're toony, we're all a little looney
And in this cartoony we're invading your TV.
We're comic despensers (sp?)
We crack up all the censors...
Oh crap...I don't remember the rest! NOOOOOOO!!!
:-(
phoenix
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2004-03-11 13:44:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
We're tiny, we're toony
We're all a little loony.
something something something something ACME ACRES!
something something...the show's about to start!
..and now our song is done!
I know that whole song.
Submitted by Shay (user info) at 2004-03-11 13:40:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Too funny...
Submitted by volklcess (user info) at 2004-03-11 13:38:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm with you 100% Mr-Boo. Tell me when and where and I'll be there with snacks and beer.
:-)
phoenix
Submitted by Anjie (user info) at 2004-03-11 13:29:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Your room mate was just like my boyfriend... He was missing his Commercial free VH1 classic... MY BF watches that channel any time he is home and I can't wrestle the remote away. So last night to bring him out of his 'stupor' I sent him to his lock-out to play his drums.... by the time he got home at 10:30 pm the channel was back and I had my boyfriend back.
Submitted by Mr-Boo (user info) at 2004-03-11 13:28:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
And TinyToons.... What ever happened to TinyToons?
Damn it Phoenix, let's both quit our jobs and watch TinyToon and Animaniac reruns!
Submitted by volklcess (user info) at 2004-03-11 13:13:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Yes, Mr_Boo!!
"It's time for AANNAMANIACS and they're zany to the max..." I loved Wacko, Yacko, and Dot. Whatever happened to that show?
:-)
phoenix
Submitted by Zod (user info) at 2004-03-11 13:12:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
And by "fuck", I mean sweet sweet love making.
Submitted by Zod (user info) at 2004-03-11 13:10:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It's insane how popular that little yellow cube is. Its really scary.
On another note, I would just like to re-iterate how much I love you.
Family Guy, Simpsons, Futurama?!?! Forget Matt, Fuck MEEE!
Submitted by Mr-Boo (user info) at 2004-03-11 13:10:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't understand Square pants whatshisname. I tried watching it a couple of times, and I just don't get it. Maybe I'm getting too old, maybe too much common sense, I dunno.
I used to love watching Animaniacs, now there was a show I could get behind.
"Animanie, totally insanie, Animaniacs!"
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2004-03-11 13:01:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Absorbant and yellow and porous is he
+2 for Spongebob YAY
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2004-03-11 12:52:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by volklcess (user info) at 2004-03-11 12:50:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
"It was like watching a leper start growing back missing limps..."
That was supposed to say "limbs." 'Cause you know, the "p" and the "b" are so close to each other on the keyboard....
:::sigh:::
-phoenix
Submitted by Luckystar (user info) at 2004-03-11 12:46:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Seriously why don't you kick him out?
Star trek over the simpsons! COME ON!