A boxing kangaroo could kick your ass... (1552 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.94 on 35 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Ainkara<polgara_187.at.hotmail.com> (View user info) at 2004-03-11 13:21:01 EST
Ok I'm taking a bit of a break from my various fictions to inform some of you Americans about some things.
Namely, the animals we have down here in aus land. Why is it that you think that our animals are all cute and cuddly and would want to hug you? If you've been misinformed by the Crocodile Hunter, I sincerly appologise. If you've been fooled by their cute appearance, then I'm sorry for that too, but we've all been there. To explain to you all the dangers of our animals, I will tell you a little bit about some of them.
Kangaroos: I've actually heard stories of Americans asking Aussies if we ride to work on roos. Now either they were joking, or just plain stupid. I don't know. Now... kangaroos are hard to explain. As are most of the weird animals we have. They can get to be taller than a man, have very stong hind legs and tails, and they have claws. What part of this description makes you want to ride in their pouches? Ever heard the expression boxing kangaroo? Well they actually do this, at least the big male ones do. They lean back on their tails, and kick the shit out of you with their huge hind legs. Fun yes?
Koalas: They are not a bear! Now koalas don't really do much harm to anyone, infact in most areas of Aust they aren't even there anymore. They get hit by cars a lot. But they do however have claws. And I'm going to tell you that you don't want to be on the recieving end of those claws.
Emus: I hope most of you know what an Emu is... They look sorta like an Ostrich, but more... Australian. They have big beaks, big claws, they're tall and they're fast. We used to have one that kept running onto our school oval and chasing the kids around. It scared me. They run at you and... well.. they're tall. Dammit, if one was running at you, you'd be scared too.
Those are the main animals that people tend to think are harmless. We also have a variety of the most poisonous/deadly snakes and spiders in the world. Racehorse goannas, which are scary fast. Bobtails (a kind of lizard), also known as blue-tongues (because of their blue tongue) that bite you and don't let go. Dingoes, which are renowned for stealing babies. No, not really. Huntsman spiders, which are big and hairy and look creepy. They don't kill you if they bite, but they just look so icky. Many, many insects. A hell of a lot of flies. And did I mention the poisonous spider and snake population?
Don't let these animals put you off from coming here. In fact most of them you wouldn't even see. A lot of them, most Aussies haven't even seen. I just wanted to tell you what they are really like, so next time you speak to an Australian you don't come up with something like 'Hey, I hear you have those cute koala bears there. How many do you, personally have? Any pet kangaroos?'
"He can't fly but I'm telling you, he can run the pants of a kangaroo" - Old Man Emu, John Williamson
"The dingoes stole my baby" - Lindsay Chamberlain
User Reviews
Submitted by screamfeeder (user info) at 2005-01-31 16:41:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Marsupials...hehehe supial
Submitted by mystiamoon (user info) at 2004-05-31 02:22:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
yup
Submitted by Insanethemind (user info) at 2004-05-31 02:19:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
We have emu farms here and i must say they are pretty damned ugly.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2004-04-14 02:52:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was the worst post I have ever read in my life.
Oh wait, no it wasn't....
BAMF!
That's the sound of a great post!
(Yeah, I know I stole that)
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-03-12 10:14:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Told you this post was gold.
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2004-03-12 10:05:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Woo! I got many many reviews.
I think I've eaten Emu before... And kangaroo... It was at the royal show one year. I think.
And again, yes Emu's are scary. They make odd sounds....
Submitted by seanfogy (user info) at 2004-03-11 21:11:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I want to eat all of those animals. Well, at least the furry ones. You can get kangaroo soup down there in restaurants right? Hell yeaaah
Submitted by Miss_Sim (user info) at 2004-03-11 18:58:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I hate Emus - they scare the crap out of me. I was playing golf the other day with a whole heap of kangaroos just lying there on the green. "I come from the land down under".
Submitted by Deisangua (user info) at 2004-03-11 15:46:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm not joking, but I have never personally verified it either. You know, via DNA analysis or having access to confidential Disney records. Nevertheless, Disney World does have an emu farm, and some workers there - the ones who would know - swear by it as the truth behind the "turkey" legs. More than that, though, when I think of how expensive turkeys are...I mean, Thanksgiving and all will tell you...I don't know if DisneyCorp would waste money by killing turkeys right and left for the legs, assuming emus were cheaper because they are naturally larger or whatever.
I don't know that there's anything actually wrong with eating emu, though.
Submitted by Kristen (user info) at 2004-03-11 15:40:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I sincerely hope you're joking. Do you have any idea how many of those things I've eaten over my lifetime? 60, maybe? I really, really, really hope you're joking.
Submitted by Deisangua (user info) at 2004-03-11 15:34:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Emu.
Submitted by kgbpasha (user info) at 2004-03-11 15:29:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I tried so hard to stay away from this post....
but boxing kangaroos...how's a person supposed to
ignore that? how?
Well, I could go for a VB or two right now, but
unfortunately all we've got here is Canadian made
Fosters...nasty. I'll drink Natty Ice before that.
Submitted by Kristen (user info) at 2004-03-11 15:10:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Then what are they, Des? I eat one everytime I go to Disney.
Submitted by Kristen (user info) at 2004-03-11 15:10:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Forget about the animals. I want to hear more about those magic Australian rocks.
Submitted by Deisangua (user info) at 2004-03-11 15:10:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Just because you mentioned the emu...
Hey, anyone ever been to Disneyworld? You know those big old fat "turkey" legs they sell...? It ain't turkey.
Submitted by jonukah (user info) at 2004-03-11 15:06:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Koalas will kill you with their putrid odor before they can get close enough to maul you.
How can you compare the ferocity and danger of Australian animals to American animals?
1. We have Mickginny. He can crush a coconut between his bare ass-cheeks. EXIT ONLY!
2. We have Janet Reno. I don't know what species or even genus she belongs to, but she is fucking scary looking.
3. Someone already mentioned grizzlies.
4. We have an entire habitat of various creatures that are completely exclusive to Dundalk. If you are ever in Baltimore, see a mullet, and hear Metallica, you better start running. Watch out for John Waters too. He is one weird fuck. My sister met him once. You know how some people have fake fruit decorated their houses? Well...John Waters has fake slabs of meat hanging from the ceiling.
5. We have loose women that are so foul, you can get Hepatitis by reading their emails.
6. We have Jonukah. Man? Monkey? Savior? Doesn't matter, it is is sister you have to worry about if you piss him off.
7. My girlfriends fridge is producing species of animals at a faster rate than the rainforest is losing them. Any one of them can kill you with powerful toxins by mere touch.
I could list more, but if I did, it would become a post and not a reply.
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2004-03-11 15:06:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I think everything down here has claws...
Oh and PukingDog, I'll respond to the mail tomorrow. It's 4am here, and I'm getting tired.
Submitted by smokymtcsw (user info) at 2004-03-11 15:05:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You left out all the animals in the ocean, the sea snakes, great whites, man o wars etc. Good stuff though. If you have any twenty year olds who look like Elle Macpherson it would be worth it...
Submitted by domenad (user info) at 2004-03-11 14:58:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I had an Australian math professor once, and I asked him point blank:
"You know those kangaroos with the boxing gloves on? I think I could take one of those. What do you think?"
"Well, it's not the gloves you have to worry about. THey have claws and they'll scratch your eyes out."
"Oh."
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2004-03-11 14:50:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Ok, I got it.
Submitted by PukingDog (user info) at 2004-03-11 14:39:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I sent you an email. Please let me know if you do not get it through this thread. Thanks.
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2004-03-11 14:29:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"CHROIST LOOK AT THIS BEUT! IM TELLIN YA I DONT WANNA GET ANY CLOSER THAN THIS COS IF I DO THIS BLEEDER MAY JUST GRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIEEEEEEEEEEE OH GOD MY FACE,MY BEUTIFUL FACE!"
Irwin, you are an idiot.
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2004-03-11 14:28:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
"CHROIST LOOK AT THIS
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2004-03-11 14:26:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Dammit, no one ever comes to Perth... ig.....
I don't really know about the jellyfish thing. Never really paid much attention. I don't think we get them at the beaches over this side of the country... I don't know...
Email me if you want, polgara_187.at.hotmail.com. If I can help, I will.
Oh and there are teams for aussie rules in every state I think. Except maybe the Northern Territory. We have two in Perth. Go us.
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2004-03-11 14:23:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The image of an emu chasing kids around the school yard is just hilarious.
Submitted by PukingDog (user info) at 2004-03-11 14:15:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yeah, fucking sharks too.
Of course Sydney, then down to wine country, over Blue Mountains, up to Alice springs, over to Cairns or Townseville, out to some islands, down the coast back to Sydney. One month. Any suggestions for an ugly American traveler? Places, I mean. Plus, I HAVE to see a footy game - Aussie Rules, not rugby. I know Melbourne has like twelve teams to Sydney's one or something, so I am trying to figure out the best place to catch a game.
You're a native. Just tell me what to do. And tell me if those satanic fucking jellyfish are still going to be around in mid-April. I know they are supposed to be gone sometime between March and May. Is it still really rainy?
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-03-11 14:06:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I knew you'd do it... I'm off to work now, g'day, mate.
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2004-03-11 14:04:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
PukingDog, don't forget all the sharks we have. There's been quite a few of them recently.
Where in Aus are you going?
Oh and I've lived here all my life, yet to be stung by a jellyfish. Now, wasps, there's a different story. I've been hit in the leg with a bus a little bit too.
Submitted by PukingDog (user info) at 2004-03-11 13:56:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Okay, I am going to Oz in two weeks, and the thing I can't get out of my head is the goddamned fucking box jellyfish. I mean, I knew about them before, but now I am scared shitless. Also, the Irikandj or whatever the fuck it is jellyfish. What the fuck? Funnel webs too. But above all, these goddamn saltwater crocs that hide in the mangroves and will fucking attack you unprovoked. What the fuck is that? I think of all things that could happen to me there, I would pick dengue fever.
Jesus God, please let me survive my Australian adventure. I'll probably be beaten to death at an Aussie Rules game. I can't wait for that...
Submitted by Zod (user info) at 2004-03-11 13:44:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Wahh, we have lots of deadly animals here, waaaaah!
Boo hoo. Have you ever been mauled by an American Grizzly? Well I sure as hell haven't, but i'm sure it would suck a lot more than boxing a kangaroo. Thanks for all your lies and exaggerations.
Excuse me, I'm gonna go play with my pet koala.
OOOHHH MYYYYYYYYYYYY GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOODDDDD, THHHHHEEEE PPPPPAAAAAAIIIIIINNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!
See? Harmless.
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2004-03-11 13:40:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh and that's supposed to be 'he can run the pants off a kangaroo' not of. Dang.
Submitted by potatomanjack (user info) at 2004-03-11 13:39:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I can't believe you forgot about dingos! I n=know they aren't native, but damn, I think they are the pinnacle when it comes to baby stealing animals.
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2004-03-11 13:35:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Here in America, we have puppies and kitties.
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2004-03-11 13:26:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Since when have koala's had red eyes? I thought they were black. Maybe it just had red eye in a pic you saw... hmm.. the mystery....
Submitted by volklcess (user info) at 2004-03-11 13:22:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Koalas scare the crap out of me 'cause they have red eyes. I don't trust any animal that has red eyes.
:-)
phoenix