How about ASKING to come inside? Not that I would've LET you... (801 hits)
Category: Quotes & StoriesRating: 1.76 on 19 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Krystal <imtheluckystar.at.hotmail.com> (View user info) at 2004-03-11 13:49:36 EST
People have this uncanny ability to annoy the hell out of me. My work is approx 7 miles from my apartment. That's about 1200 stoplights and 2.6 stopsigns.
So after following a fucking minivan with student honor roll stickers all over it, I changed lanes a la Office Space, and immediatly got stuck behind a 1974 VW Rabbit, light blue, with a UB40 sticker on it. So now, not only do I have a mild case of Road Rage, "Red Red Wine" is stuck in my head. As I turn into the apartment complex, I am almost hit by an old redneck in some 80's rusty suburban using the left hand turn lane for his own devices, and then am stopped by some bean who is building a wall and got his truck stuck accross the road.
It took me almost half an hour to get home, toss in a few phone calls from Chris asking where I am, because he's HUNGRY................waaaaaaaaaaaah, I finally pull into my garage and walk up two flights of stairs to my door.
Let's just say i'm not in a good mood.
Chris had a change of heart and started dinner on his own. Top Ramen. Anyhoo, inspired by British Rasta wannabes I pour myself a glass of cheap 'pink pink wiiiiine' and turn on the Simpson's, counting down the hours until The O.C. starts.
Then a knock on the door. Chris looks through the peephole.
"It's some ugly chick. Were you expecting anybody?"
"No," I say. "You'd probably figure out who it is faster by opening the door then trying to guess, dumbass"
My mistake.
Chris opens the door with a questioning look on his face, but she doesn't provide an answer. Instead, Fat-Ugly-Girl blitzes through his line like a fucking linebacker and walks into our kitchen and sets her shit down on the counter. This girl, Fat-Ugly-Girl, SHOOK the apartment walls as she walked. Her hair was in bad need of coloring, I was seeing 3 inches of roots before it faded to a lovely bleachy-orange color. She had a bad case of acne and pockmarkiness, and thick thick eyeliner, drawn on eyebrows... Let's just say she was a little 'unfortunate looking"
Then she smiled. I swear, her teeth were spaced so far apart, her tongue looked like it was in jail.
"Would you like to buy some magazines?"
What? You barge into my house, make it smell funny, and ask if i would like some magazines? Do they teach you this at magazine selling training school, Fat-Ugly-Girl? OK i didn't ask her that. I should have though.
What i did say was "No, Thank you." LEAVE
"um do you guys have a table i could sit at?" She looks around our place. "Nice apartment" SHE WENT IN MY ROOM! "thats a cool bed"
Gee thanks bitch. DId you wanna sit your fat ass on it?
"ummm thanks. No we dont have a table."
"oh, i'll just sit here then" Fat-Ugly-Girl sits on my couch. Chris is standing in front of us dumbstruck. She sits on the couch and her sheer weight forces my end up like a teeter totter. She hands Chris a catalog of the magazines, and he, seeing a way out of this mess, says "oh, not interested, you don't have Off-Road"
"We have Peterson's. It's the same"
"No, if it were the same, it would be called Off Road"
"well what about you (to me) how about Cosmo?"
"i already get it"
"how about another subscription to it then?"
"What would I do with two subscriptions to Cosmo?"
"maybe for someone else then?"
"Yeah sure, for my mom. 'Here Mom, 30 Ways to pleasure your man (my DAD) every day of the month'"
"welllll..."
"Let me ask you another question, Fat-Ugly-Girl, is is protocall and/or procedure to WALK into other peoples' homes without invitation? Do you find that being pushy and annoying is good customer service? What if I were a serial killer or rapist? What if you walked in to Jefferey Dahmer's mother fucking apartment? Sat your Fat-Ugly-Girl ass on the Nightstalker's couch? Seriously, I want to know!"
"ummm i don't know..."
So I walked to the door, she got up, thinking I was walking her out. But I locked it and turned.
"actually, it's good that you came by.....Summer solstice is soon, and our coven was in need of fresh virgin's blood to sprinkle on our altar. Isn't that so, Treadswell (i decided treadswell is chris' witch name for this story)
He didnt know what to say. He looked at me with big eyes.
My cat, Misty walked in the room.
"Misty," I said. "so fortunate that you have come home at this moment. How are the others? Waiting in the clearing?"
"Mrow?" she said in her cat voice
i pretended she was talking to me, and i said "oh, they're ready? Good. Go back and tell them i have found our sacrifice"
By this time magazine girl was pretty curious. I was going for freaked out, and Fat-Ugly-Girl asks me the name of my coven. I don;'t have a coven. what do i say?
"Fat-Ugly-Girl, get the fuck out"
"red red wiiiiine, stay close to meeeeee, don't let me beeeeeeeeeee alone.."
User Reviews
Submitted by beer-turtle (user info) at 2004-03-11 16:22:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I would have served her a glasss of spoiled milk, accused her of witchery and then ran around the house screaming till she left.
-Turtle
Submitted by reallybored (user info) at 2004-03-11 16:02:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Last time LacyFace was here i came back from work to find her with two guys who were "supposly" selling us magazines. Hmm. i wonder.
But she did buy me a maxim subscription, so i shouldnt complain...
Submitted by BongZilla (user info) at 2004-03-11 15:46:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 because I thought this was a good story, but being the fucking perv that I am, I thought it would be about sex. hahaha
-BongZilla
Submitted by TheRef (user info) at 2004-03-11 14:58:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
What if you walked in to Jefferey Dahmer's mother fucking apartment
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thats 2 references to him today. thats gotta be a record
Submitted by Deisangua (user info) at 2004-03-11 14:56:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Heh...
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2004-03-11 14:44:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No comment.
Submitted by Luckystar (user info) at 2004-03-11 14:33:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
see i didn't mean to copy their story... i knew it was similar..but what are ya gonna do
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2004-03-11 14:28:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for not shooting her when she went in to your bedroom.
Submitted by potatomanjack (user info) at 2004-03-11 14:27:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I can't believe she walked into your house. I would have flipped out if someone did that to me.
Submitted by William_Q_Percy (user info) at 2004-03-11 14:18:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
This story was better when it was Loren, Nicole and some drunk guy
Submitted by Hader (user info) at 2004-03-11 14:14:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I would've given her some food to keep her occupied for a good 10 minutes while I devised a plan
to get her fat, ugly ass out of the house.
Your cat talks to you too? Thought I was alone on that one. :)
Submitted by Bob_Bank (user info) at 2004-03-11 14:12:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You might want to evaluate your lock situation, lots of thieves pose as door to door salespeople. She may have been casing your home. AWESOME story though.
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2004-03-11 14:11:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow, the fat chick pulled the old freak out switcheroo on ya huh? Nasty.
Submitted by Luckystar (user info) at 2004-03-11 14:09:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i think i was in shock
Submitted by PukingDog (user info) at 2004-03-11 14:07:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucking tongue was in jail - that's fucking hilarious. You and your boy are kind of weak though. You should have shot the bitch for unlawful entry.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-03-11 14:03:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
erm, taken her picture, rather.
Me fail English?
That's unpossible.
Submitted by volklcess (user info) at 2004-03-11 14:02:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I hate door-to-door salespeople. I throw rocks at them. Sometimes forks.
:-)
phoenix
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-03-11 14:02:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
You should have took her picture and posted it.
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2004-03-11 13:59:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for trying intimidation and it not working... hehehe