To Grandmother's Trailer We Go (2195 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.86 on 24 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Sideburns (View user info) at 2004-03-11 14:35:36 EST
I went to visit my grandmother last night. She lives in a nice, quiet neighborhood. All of the homes are on what once was a parking lot. Now, it's a nice little neighborhood. Grandma lives next to crack dealers and hookers. She's 60 years old and she's married to a guy that's younger than my mom. He's a pill addict and also smokes crack. For the past few years, grandma's goal has actually been to get on the Jerry Springer show. I don't know why, but she thinks it's glamorous.
I pull up to their lot in the trailer park and I notice a 2004 Dodge truck sitting outside of one of the 1970 model trailers. Is it just me or do all people that live in trailers have the nicest cars? I walk into the trailer and pay grandma a little visit. When Bobby, her husband, sees me walking in, he quickly puts out his crack cigarette(or whatever call them).
"Hey boy, whatchu up to?!"
"Same ol'. Trying to find a car still."
"I found you a NICE NICE NICE car for 700 bucks, boy. It's a 1987 Ford Escort. It's got air and a tape player".
Apparently, the trailer park community hasn't heard of cd players just yet. And for a car to be considered top of the line, it has AC. I take a seat on the couch and take a look around the place. The dog's toys are all over the place, and I'm not talking real ''dog toys''. This is grandma we're talking about. She doesn't give the dog squeaky toys or bones to play with. Spuds gets old stuffed animals, forks, bowls, and my favorite... collector 'large size' cups from fast food restaurants. There's something comical about the way he picks it up with his mouth and walks around with his face inside the cup.
Jerry Springer comes on the television, but not perfectly. Bobby has to adjust the antenna so we can see these rednecks in crystal clear vision. Some guy is sitting on the chair on stage, seemingly in a good mood, and Jerry is asking him about his girlfriend.
"Aw, she's mah baby! I love that woman. But she says she has a secret to reveal to me today, so I'm here. My brother's here too". He waves to his brother, sitting in the audience.
"Do you think you have any idea what the secret is?", Jerry asks
"Nope, none".
Okay, this is what baffles me. Bobby and my grandma are sitting here watching this as if they don't know what's going to happen next. "She's probably cheating with his brother" I say. As it turns out, his girlfriend was cheating on him with his sibling. My grandma looks at me stunned, "You saw this episode before didn't you?". On this show, when has anyone ever revealed a HAPPY SECRET?! I've never seen an episode where the one with the secret reveals it to be a new double-wide.
Just then, Spuds the dog jumps in my lap. This is the meanest fucking dog. If you touch him, he'll go fucking nuts and bite your hand off. But this little bitch(BADDA-BING!) thinks he's going to get away with sitting on MY lap? I try to stand up to knock him off of me, but he starts growling. I give in to the little bastard and let him enjoy his time on my lap.
At this time, my grandmother's eldest son, Jimmy, walks through the door. Jimmy is your average cliche trailer park guy. Long hair, handlebar mustache, dirty white t-shirt and jeans, and always wears hats that other businesses give away. Today, he was sporting a "David's Muffler Shop'' trucker hat. He starts going through the fridge.
Jimmy-"What y'all got to eat, I'm hungry. The damn wife won't give none!"
Bobby- "She won't give you any food?!"
Jimmy- "Nope, PUSSY! AHAHAHAHAHAAHA!
Bobby- "AHAHAHAHAAHA''
Why do rednecks think they tell the funniest jokes? I guess for the same reason that I think my posts are actually entertaining(BADDA-BING!)
Jimmy- "Aw shit! Y'all got the name brand stuff this time? I'm tired of drinkin' Winn Dixie Cola anyway."
Bobby- "Yep I got my check back from when I sued the factory. We went all out on groceries".
Just when you think this party is already bumpin', in walks some other lady holding a baby. I will admit I have a sweet spot for babies, but this was one crazy little baby. She puts down this 1 year old boy and he runs over to me and starts licking my knee. I guess the whole trailer park gets in on the crack cocaine shots, even the young'n's. After the salty taste of my knee wears off, he picks up one of Spuds' play toys(a spoon) and whacks himself in the head with it as hard as possible. CLANK! I rush over to him to see if he's okay and he just LAUGHS AT ME. This baby just smacked himself in the head with a spoon... that's a hardcore baby.
After all the commotion settles down, grandma makes us dinner. The unknown lady actually put her one year old outside to play with the other dogs. This baby is going to grow up to be one tough cookie.
After dinner(green beans, chicken, and 'taters), I decided to part ways with the fab 5.
I then jumped in my Camaro, adjusted my camouflage trucker hat, turned on some country music, gave a big ''YEEEEEE-HAW!" and headed back to my mobile home.
(The previous line was sarcasm)
But that baby! When I have a kid, I'm going to raise him trailer-park style!
![child[1].jpg (82 kB)](http://stuff.ubersite.com/1079033736995718073/1/child[1].jpg)
User Reviews
Submitted by ohlookasquirrel (user info) at 2004-03-11 22:59:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That car was made in the year I was born...
Submitted by Scientifik (user info) at 2004-03-11 19:52:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Damn Sideburns, where do you live?
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-03-11 19:41:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Craaaaaaaaaaaaaazy!
Submitted by someone (user info) at 2004-03-11 16:55:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
sideburns, i have enough space for a roomate. My suggestion, pack up everything you have
fly to massachusetts, settle down here, and we can be roomies at umass this fall. Serioulsy
man, your far to cool to be related to these people, and if you dont move soon, i fear you
may soon become one of them.
Submitted by Dazd1 (user info) at 2004-03-11 16:28:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Amusing but damn I think your grandma is my aunt?
Submitted by Bob_Bank (user info) at 2004-03-11 16:14:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome, and totally true. I've come to hate my brother from the time I spent with him last summer. Most trailer park jokes are about sex, and are the most embarassing possible. Bet you've heard the four F's quite often. Did you have to give prayer over dinner? I always did. Thank god for insane tenants, I now live back in San Diego - Woohoo!
Submitted by Deisangua (user info) at 2004-03-11 15:49:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Mac (user info) at 2004-03-11 15:39:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Sideburns,
"You keep reading them, I'll keep writing them"- Stan Lee, Mallrats
Submitted by BongZilla (user info) at 2004-03-11 15:28:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
hahah youre grandma lives in a trailer park. loser.
Submitted by Zod (user info) at 2004-03-11 15:27:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Burns: Yes idiot, nice work blowing our cover!
Loki: I would be honored if you would kidnap me and make me your slave. BTW, where the hell is that little stone you were gonna give me? See, I remember!
Submitted by Kristen (user info) at 2004-03-11 15:20:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I love the baby pictures you've been tacking onto your posts.
At least it has a tape player and not an 8-track?
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2004-03-11 15:20:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Mac- Thanks, as long as you stay around Uber I have good reason to stay as well.
Zod-
"Remember what we talked about man, a few months ago? It's all coming together....mwahahaha!"
You mean the gay orgy? Or no?
Was I supposed to mention that?
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2004-03-11 15:19:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I will add that to my intense horror and embarrassment my dogs love to play with empty milk jugs. They take them out of the recycling bin and throw them around like soccer balls until I discover they have one and take it away. I've had to have several neighbors disappeared for witnessing this.
Submitted by Zod (user info) at 2004-03-11 15:18:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Lucky damn dog...gets to sit in your lap...
Jesus, I am still a guy, right? You do awful awful things to my mind Justin. Once again, you add another entry to my "favorite posts" list.
Remember what we talked about man, a few months ago? It's all coming together....mwahahaha!
Submitted by smokymtcsw (user info) at 2004-03-11 15:16:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The funniest thing is people think you are joking. You should get the escort. itlrun as they say where I am from. I have many friends with the large cup chew toys.
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2004-03-11 15:10:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Mac (user info) at 2004-03-11 15:07:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Sideburns,
You continue to out do yourself with each post. This was great. I especially like the selection of dog toys. That was a nice touch.
Submitted by rbdweasel (user info) at 2004-03-11 15:07:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That was well written, humorous, poignant, painted a great scene, had great dialogue and probably other good points that I am too ignorant to notice. Adding that you are young, intelligent and everyone loves you I have to admit:
I hate your fucking guts
I so wanted to give you a -2 out of spite but I could not bring myself to. I guess I am a good person at heart. Fuck.
Submitted by antluvdog (user info) at 2004-03-11 14:56:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
God help your family.
Submitted by volklcess (user info) at 2004-03-11 14:49:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is like straight out of a redneck sitcom (any titles fail me at this moment). Okay, is it not complete coincidence that the kid licked your knee and my ode post to you was called "I Want to Lick your Knee." I think that's a fetish w/ people in South Carolina, isn't it?
:-)
phoenix
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2004-03-11 14:45:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
OH jesus, ok, get in the car, swing by and pick up Zod and Esso and come to my place. We'll comb the Social Security Administration database until we find some people who were born at about the same time you guys were who are now deceased. We'll get some fake id's and then hide you until your families stop looking for you. Either that or smuggle you across the border to Mexico. This could work.
Submitted by triliad (user info) at 2004-03-11 14:42:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Beauty.
"Why Grandma, what a big pipe you have!"
"All the better to smoke your inheritance with, my dear!"
Submitted by russizm (user info) at 2004-03-11 14:42:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
yay licking knees!
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2004-03-11 14:41:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
My oh my... you never cease to amaze me.