The Case Of The Notorious Turd Burglar - A Mystery By Catscradle (4406 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.42 on 26 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by <Catscradle> (View user info) at 2004-03-11 19:14:18 EST
I fucking love Mondays.
That's right, I can't wait for the weekend to end so I can get up at the asscrack of dawn, drive to work, and say hello to my fellow coworkers with a sloppy shit-eating grin etched across my face.
Why am I so cheerful? Because 7 AM on Monday mornings is my favorite time to take shits. In fact, it is the ONLY time I take shits at work (Normally, I prefer to have a home court advantage).
I would take shits all the time at work (After all, I get paid for it), but for most of the week the bathroom is shitty - pubes everywhere, pee stains on the wall, the occasional turd that missed the mark.
That's why you have to get there early - the janitors come in on the weekends and turn it into a lavatory paradise. Waxed floors, polished porcelain, the clean smell of disinfectant in the air, not so much as one pube amiss.
It starts out that way everyweek, sparkling and virgin in it's cleanliness. Then I pop it's cherry with the inaugural shit of the week. My coworkers quickly follow in order, till by the time Tuesday is halfway over, you need a biohazard suit to get in safely.
No one knows how it gets this way. No one knows who the mysterious turd splatterer is. Everyone leaves it in reasonably the same shape that they entered it in. Or so they say.
By the time Friday rolls around the place makes a public restroom at a Nascar race look like Heaven. It's as if we share the bathroom with an eight year old on a diet of tamales and oat bran.
But like I said, I fucking love Mondays. Until last Monday.
When I got to work, there were three cars in the parking lot. Scott's car and Steve's truck. I noted this to myself, because usually I am the first one on Mondays.
I headed straight for the bathroom. I unlocked the door and inhaled the scent of cleanliness, marveling at yet another miracle performed by the weekend clean up crew. I was about to soil its cleanliness when my phone rang. I can tell when my phone rings because I have it set on one of those real annoying rings that pisses off everyone else in the buildig.
It was a telemarketer. One of the pesky kinds that takes 10 minutes to get off the phone. I rushed through it and hung up. Back to cherry popping.
I stopped by Steve's office on my stroll back to the john.
"Little bit early, eh Steve?"
"Yep.." he replied.
He shifted around a bit uncomfortably in his chair. I shrugged it off as uneventful.
I arrived at the bathroom door. It was unlocked. I turned the knob and stepped in and
%R&($%&$#@)%&*@#$)@#)TU$)(GY$)&*#*#)$*#@)$GGEORGEWBUSH#$^)*
WHAT THE FUCK?!
SHIT EVERYWHERE.
IT CANNOT BE. IT CAN'T!
I rushed back to Steve's office to ask about the disaster. On the way I bumped into Scott.
"Have you used the fucking bathroom?" I asked.
"No."
I popped my head into Steve's office.
"Steve?"
"Nope."
"Well, one of you bastards did it. It was clean when I left to answer the phone."
They both denied responsibility.
I decided to break the case down.
SUSPECT #1: Scott - Tall (probably 6'3"") and loud with a large build, known to be a fan of not so lean Mexican cuisine.
SUSPECT#2: Steve - Short, friendly guy. Medium build.
I asked them about their alibis.
Scott - I was catching up on some paperwork from friday when I heard your phone ring. I hate that ring your phone is set on. Anyway, I was going through forms when I heard a noise in the hallway. I went to investigate and saw Steve walking kinda funny down the hall.
"That was it?"
"That's it."
I noticed a basketball on the floor in the corner of his office.
Steve - Well, I heard your annoying phone ring and thought about murdering you for a moment before hearing the bathroom door slam. I didn't think much of it because people slam it all the time.
"Hmm." I noticed a box of oat bran on his desk.
To solve this one, I knew I would have to return to the scene of the crime.
I entered the bathroom (again) and was horrified (again). There were random splatters of shit all over the stalls, not to mention "muddy" foot prints on the floor. There was also a big shit streak across the mirror and a trail of toilet paper across the floor. A big turd ( a 4 pounder, easily) was in one of the urinals.
I noted another oddity. There was a step stool in the corner. It's surface was clean.
I looked up and saw the final disgrace: A note on the 8 foot high ceiling. It read:
"YOU'LL NEVER CATCH THE NOTORIOUS TURD BURGLAR."
It was also written in shit.
Ubersleuths, based on the facts presented can YOU solve the case of the Notorious Turd Burglar?
User Reviews
Submitted by mystiamoon (user info) at 2004-04-03 02:42:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Murphy1844 (user info) at 2004-03-30 05:33:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
That was a tad harsh. Listen, it's not you...
...it's me. I'm dense as poundcake.
Submitted by Murphy1844 (user info) at 2004-03-30 05:32:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I thought this was stupid. I'm trying, really I am, to find out what people like in you Cats. I don't get it.
Murphy
Submitted by drstrangedhruv (user info) at 2004-03-18 06:43:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Scored at work.
Submitted by K.M (user info) at 2004-03-15 23:50:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by PurplePeopleEater at 2004-03-15 14:57:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Holy shit, that was EXCELLENT!
Submitted by rbdweasel (user info) at 2004-03-12 11:39:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It has been a while since I had to supress so much laughter to keep the people in adjacent cubes from thinking I am insane. You rule.
Submitted by TaK (user info) at 2004-03-12 11:03:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You kick ass. When I grow up,
I wanna be a turdburgler.
Submitted by William_Q_Percy (user info) at 2004-03-12 10:45:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The turd burglar is none other than the telemarketer.
You shouldn't have hung up on them, the cops were just about to trace teh call and tell you that it was coming from inside the building! From the BATHROOM!
VIVE LE TURD BURGLAR!
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2004-03-12 10:15:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
From everything I've read here it's obvious.
You are the turd burglar. What's more, you need to seek professional help for schizophrenia.
Submitted by Envenom (user info) at 2004-03-12 10:11:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Words about shit that rhyme are always funny. Turd burglar. Pooper scooper. I'm not sure which is a bigger crime. The turd burglar or the telemarketer calling you on your cell phone.
Submitted by DarthAwesome (user info) at 2004-03-11 22:17:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
it was me hahahahahahah
Submitted by ThatOneGirl (user info) at 2004-03-11 22:07:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Very funny, despite the fact that the ending made me dry-heave.
Submitted by Cats at 2004-03-11 20:10:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Sharp as a tack Id.
Submitted by fingerbang (user info) at 2004-03-11 20:01:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
A turd burgalur has nothing to do with either of those, it means a gay guy
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2004-03-11 19:52:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
i reckon scott did it, as to write on the ceiling, steve woulda needed to use the stool (pun intended), and that would have left footprints. scott could have easily reached up and written of the ceiling, as a six-three guy can easily reach up to eight feet. though admittedly, steve mighta done that before soiling his shoes...
but im gonna go with scott.
Submitted by squattail (user info) at 2004-03-11 19:47:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
This was going good, until I read to the end. Your idea of a turd burglar is obviously very different to mine. Turd burglar is the guy who shoves the toilet door open when the door's lock is broken and you have got your jockeys around you ankles, shit halfway out. The guy pushes, and then when you offer resistance he gets confused and pushes harder a 2nd time. They always do that, I don't know why, it is like a reflex. They instinctively shoved harder when they notice there is something behind there, instead of just assuming I am taking my shit, that there isn't a roll of toilet paper jammed under the door and that is all that is standing between him and the toilet.
Submitted by Random Catscradle at 2004-03-11 19:42:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
The three cars in the parking lot thing is a typo.. it's supposed to be 'two'.
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2004-03-11 19:37:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
yeah, who was in the third car???
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2004-03-11 19:32:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
yes, hooray for you indeed...
Submitted by Fabish (user info) at 2004-03-11 19:27:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Dun Dun DUNN nuh-nuh-nuh...
Submitted by fingerbang (user info) at 2004-03-11 19:27:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
forgot to +2
Submitted by IndianOcean (user info) at 2004-03-11 19:26:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
first post that i ever posted.. (it was me ranting about stupid manager.) and you were one of the very few guys who took my side..
and since than i alway thought you were a cool cat..
most of your posts contain enough white spaces(very important).
and most are funny (also very important)
and you got a great personality.
+9000 points..
=)
Submitted by fingerbang (user info) at 2004-03-11 19:26:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
wow, hahaha, you said there were three cars in the parking lot when you arrived, who was the third? THAT is the turd burgalur
Submitted by ohlookasquirrel (user info) at 2004-03-11 19:18:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hooray for you indeed.
Submitted by catscradle (user info) at 2004-03-11 19:14:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hooray for me.