Beautiful Women Scare Me (661 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 0.53 on 14 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Rabid Weasel <rbdweasel.at.yahoo.com> (View user info) at 2004-03-12 12:07:53 EST
I hate to get too personal but I am going to anyway. I post on Uber everything that is too personal or offensive to put on my own. Aren't you readers lucky? Plus a lot of you High School twats like to think this is an advice column so I am going to give you your big chance to tell me exactly what the fuck is wrong with me.
The background you need is I am 36, divorced father of 2. I am only 5'5" and getting a little doughy around the middle. My face has been described as somewhere between Bruce Willis and Scott Thompson. Add to this the fact that, as anyone who has read my posts would know, I am insane, and you have the description of every woman's dream man, right? Even so I managed to find a girlfriend who is pretty cool though not great to look at and contemplates suicide at about the same time every month. We get along pretty well.
So here is the weird part. A friend of mine's step daughter has the hots for me. She is 23 and once jumped on trampolines for The Man Show. She has tried to hook up with me on several occasions and as politely as I could, ran screaming. She is strangely not deterred and is at it again. This time it is under the guise of me giving her guitar lessons and I am freaking out.
Sure, the thing about her being my friend's step daughter and her being 13 years younger than me is probably enough to make even a non-neurotic raise an eyebrow. She is not dumb, but her interests seem to revolve around clothes and clubs removing the possibility of us ever having a discussion of common interest. But even knowing this, I can't help but feel in avoiding her I have somehow become less of a man. No, that is too euphemistic. It makes me feel like a blubbering, sissified wuss unworthy of my testicles.
Though it is well known that women are hard for guys to understand, this is insanity on the Twilight Zone scale and I am totally unable to come to grips with it. If you are not yet drenched in the absurdity of this situation, please look at the attached photo. I swear unto all that is sacred that the photo is real. That is her. (I am not posting a photo of myself so you can see what a dork I am. You'll just have to use your imaginations.)
Hopefully now you are struck with the "Unsolved Mysteries" level of my quandary. If I was a politician and in this situation I'd suspect I was being set up. I have no clue what is going on and feel like I am watching an accident in slow motion, helpless to change the outcome. I need to find reason in this but don't even know where to start. I am desperate enough for any suggestions. How amazingly pathetic.
User Reviews
Submitted by fingerbang (user info) at 2004-03-12 20:46:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
you are gay and i'd do her
Submitted by jwlmar10 (user info) at 2004-03-12 18:37:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Take her on a date and bone her regardless of whether you two connect on a personal level. Anyone who says that girl isn't hot is either blind or gay. Seriously, who are they trying to kid?
Submitted by Dazd1 (user info) at 2004-03-12 17:03:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
and I hate blonde white girls but still GEZZZZZ
Submitted by Dazd1 (user info) at 2004-03-12 17:02:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
You pathetic goof! BONE HER!!!! Im older than you are and I would have done it already! JESUS!
Submitted by Goldeneyes (user info) at 2004-03-12 16:30:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
The first step to helping yourself is admitting you have a problem.
You have admitted you are a wuss.
Now go teach that girl how to stroke your strings.
Submitted by WillZone (user info) at 2004-03-12 14:14:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Bone her you buffoon!
Or throw her my way...you in NYC? If not, why not?
Submitted by rbdweasel (user info) at 2004-03-12 13:54:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
lowsodiummonkey is a sage on par with Yoda. Lucifer_Industries has some good points too. In fact every comment is great. Totally unexpected. I am coming to Uber with all my problems in the future.
"Note: It's always cool to date a 23 year old. No matter how old you are. It's cool if you're in high school, it's cool if you're in college, and it's even cool if you're retired. "
I am giving this a +2. Getting through my whiney post is worth it if you end up reading this jewel of wisdom.
Submitted by hendrixjrr (user info) at 2004-03-12 13:02:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Note: It's always cool to date a 23 year old. No matter how old you are. It's cool if you're in high school, it's cool if you're in college, and it's even cool if you're retired. "
LSM Quote of the century!
+2 for LSM!
Submitted by seanfogy (user info) at 2004-03-12 12:54:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
http://www.ubersite.com/m/27561#421860
read and take notes
Submitted by lowsodiummonkey (user info) at 2004-03-12 12:51:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
This explains why you're divorced. You've have no spine.
What the fuck is the matter with you? Who cares? Enjoy yourself and have some fun. If it happens, it happens. And that would be cool. If not .... oh, well.
See. Do you understand the above? It's actually a form of confidence in yourself and life. And that's what makes people attracted to you.
Note: It's always cool to date a 23 year old. No matter how old you are. It's cool if you're in high school, it's cool if you're in college, and it's even cool if you're retired.
Submitted by Lucifer_Industries (user info) at 2004-03-12 12:49:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Perhaps you are too hung up on a relationship aspect of things. Why don't you just take it as it goes. One thing at a time. Stop using your fucking brain and use your guts. Hang out with her, and enjoy her company. Odds are she just wants to fuck you. If things are to be more than that, awesome.
So let that ball start rolling. The worst thing that can happen is the ball will stop rolling right away, and you're in no different position than you are now. The way I look at it, casual sex, or a relationship, it's a WIN WIN situation for YOU. Right?
And quit jerking off to her. (I know you are) That will help in more ways than you know.
Malone
Submitted by tuesdaydelay (user info) at 2004-03-12 12:33:10 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
She's not that beautiful. She's just blonde, not fat and in a bikini.
Submitted by Cassiopeia (user info) at 2004-03-12 12:25:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Do you think she has some kind of rivalry w/ your wife? (if youre currently married?) 13 years younger is quite an age difference. It's quite impressive that you've been able to deny a quite attractive woman thus far, maybe you should stick to your gut and keep away from anything sexual with her. If you give in you might end up regretting it...
You shouldve written a "Dear Spikey"!!
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2004-03-12 12:16:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
she's dec at best. bone her. who the fuck cares.