Driving Uncle Gary (2809 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.96 on 26 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Sideburns (View user info) at 2004-03-12 15:11:52 EST
Just when you thought you had met every fucked up member of my family, another comes along. Meet Uncle Gary, 46 years old, long hair, long beard, beer belly. You know, the usual. He came today to visit from Tennessee and I was forced to drive him around all day. Apparently he's wanted by South Carolina law, so he tries not to drive too much in this state. I had to take him to do a few random things, but it wouldn't be so bad if he actually shutup during the trip. I learned a few things from driving Uncle Gary around:
I need earplugs.
He needs a muzzle.
Beer is a substitute for unleaded gas.
"Hey boy, you see that woman in the car over there? I'd fuck the hell outta that broad. She has a guy with her, but I'd fuck him too just to get to her. Hell, an asshole is an asshole. Ain't no difference between a guy's asshole and a woman's asshole. Just throw a wig and pantyhose on a guy and you're good to go. Know what I mean?"
I had to listen to his horribly made up stories for the entire three hours he was with me. During the past few years, he's had many guns pulled on him supposedly. Why didn't somebody just go ahead and shoot him?
"Man, this one fucker thought I was messin' with his daughter so he put a gun to my side and told me to back off. I told him I wasn't messin' with his daughter and that he should go ahead and pull the trigger. I saw him a couple weeks later and I put my shotgun to his head and asked him how it felt now. Bastard ain't fuck wit' me no more. Then I lit up a cigarette whiile he shit his britches."
Uncle Gary is also responsible for punching his boss out.
"Yeah man, it was my first day of work and the boss came up to me and said 'You the new guys?', I said 'Yeah, what's it to you mother fucker?' then I punched him in the face while my buddy Jim kicked him in the side. I lit me up a cigarette and just stood there for a while. We had to get the hell outta there before the police showed up, man."
Uncle Gary and his crazy mischief..
"Yeah man, when I was younger I was the head cook at Hardees. One day a fire started all of a sudden and I went to the boss and tried to get his attention. He told me he was busy and it could wait. I told him 'aight, muh fucker'. I stood there and lit a cigarette as Hardees went up in flames. I had to get outta there before the police showed up. Know what I mean?"
Uncle Gary is also quite the dare devil...
"Yeah, man. I was driving on some ice one day and all of a sudden I lost control. The car skidded and was headed toward a cliff, so I jumped out just before it got to the edge. I sat there and lit me up a cigarette as the car teetered over the edge."
That crazy Uncle Gary.
User Reviews
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-10-18 22:10:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Nobb (user info) at 2004-07-05 05:40:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Haha
Submitted by Irazy (user info) at 2004-05-24 13:02:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
we need +3!
Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2004-04-06 19:34:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by bart (user info) at 2004-03-18 23:36:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I think I know your uncle.
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-03-15 08:10:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Very funny.
Submitted by xanderman2 (user info) at 2004-03-13 12:24:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Just don't be drivin Miss Daisy
Submitted by Tastycat (user info) at 2004-03-13 00:35:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't have a fairy godmother but I do have a uncle I'm keeping an eye on
Submitted by Shel at 2004-03-13 00:17:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Rated this earlier and it didn't come up so I'll try again...
As defined by Jeff Foxworthy, "redneck - the glorious absence of sophistication". :)
Submitted by Lucifer_Industries (user info) at 2004-03-12 23:28:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You never cease to entertain Sideburns.
Malone
Lucifer Industries LLC
Submitted by Lyric (user info) at 2004-03-12 22:39:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I have an Uncle Gary. I don't think he smokes, though.
Submitted by seanfogy (user info) at 2004-03-12 22:15:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
haha
Submitted by ohlookasquirrel (user info) at 2004-03-12 20:38:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I thought I rated this. You sneaky bastard.
Submitted by youarsoghey (user info) at 2004-03-12 19:12:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Your guy looks like he could be a character in Zak McKracken.
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2004-03-12 19:12:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
God bless, Sideburns, every time I read one of your family stories I am reminded of my own family. This is not a good thing.
Submitted by Phinch (user info) at 2004-03-12 19:07:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i think we should put together a save sideburns college fund and send that guy to a jc or something.
Submitted by Kristen (user info) at 2004-03-12 16:49:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by William_Q_Percy (user info) at 2004-03-12 15:41:43 (#)
Ranking: 2
How are you literate?
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HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Submitted by Mac (user info) at 2004-03-12 16:38:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I can only hope someday that my niece writes a lovely story just like this about crazy Uncle Mac. That'd be great.
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2004-03-12 16:34:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by AlwaysAnEagle (user info) at 2004-03-12 15:49:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Congrats on surviving your family.
Submitted by WillZone (user info) at 2004-03-12 15:42:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
amen
Submitted by William_Q_Percy (user info) at 2004-03-12 15:41:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
How are you literate?
Submitted by Jays567 (user info) at 2004-03-12 15:29:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Uncle Gary needs to start writing stories for uber.
Submitted by volklcess (user info) at 2004-03-12 15:18:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Someday I think I would like to meet your family. Hehehehe
:-)
phoenix
Submitted by T.chow (user info) at 2004-03-12 15:16:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
he IS crazy
funny shtuff
Submitted by Mr-Boo (user info) at 2004-03-12 15:16:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I sat here and lit me up a cigarette as I gave you a +2, cause well you know.