Crawling (1526 hits)
Category: Quotes & StoriesLabels: crap:fiction
Rating: 2 on 32 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Circe (View user info) at 2004-03-14 01:32:41 EST
He coughed. It felt as though his chest was being pierced by a white-hot knife.
'Rib,' he thought, 'That's my fucking rib.' Or two. Or three. He'd been beaten badly, very badly, and now his lungs were being gouged by his rib(s?) with every laboured breath.
He had to get to the phone. The monster who'd done this was upstairs, had gone up there two steps at a time, one bloody hand leaving smears on the polished wood banister.
Upstairs. Where his children slept.
He turned onto his stomach and started crawling to the phone, aching arms dragging his battered body closer. He'd barely gone five feet when the pain cored in again and he clenched his teeth shut against a scream.
Panting, he gave himself a few seconds. Precious seconds, but necessary. He'd come dangerously close to losing consciousness just now, and the grey fog that threatened was alarming. His head cleared and he groaned, stretching his arms out again for another of those agonised sliding/crawling/swimming movements.
The phone was just a few feet away. It looked like it was in another world.
'The Twilight Phone', he thought and hysterical laughter bubbled up in his throat. He bit it back and kept moving.
Just a night at home. Kids asleep, watching a little of the late movie with his wife. He'd been feeling a little sleepy, knowing that soon they'd go upstairs and make slow, warm, whispered love in the dark.
Then the night had shattered into a hundred bright shards of pain and fear and the thick copper taste-scent of his own blood in his mouth.
He couldn't grieve yet for the warm, loving woman he'd married. Not yet. There were things to be done.
The kids. The phone. Oh, christ, how does it keep getting further away?
A scream tore into the silence, raping it of the illusion that the monster had gone.
Jamie's voice.
"MUMMY! Mummy.........' The sound trailed off into sobbing.
The phone, the son of a bitching whorecunt phone, was a few inches in front of his questing fingers. It had fallen on the floor when his crazed attacker had hit him in the chest with a chair, hard enough to shatter what felt like every rib in his chest and send him sprawling.
He could hear it beeping faintly as he caught up the handset and brought it, trembling, to his ear. He hit the cutoff button and heard the smooth silence followed by the sweet purr of a dial tone. He'd heard that sound maybe a million times in his life, and had never realized before how soothing the harmonics of it were.
The '0' button loomed, large as a headstone in his failing vision.
'Can't go yet, can't pass out, just a few minutes longer.'
Three times he hit it, the tones long and loud in his ear.
He almost wept when he heard the recorded voice and pressed for the police.
'What's your emergency?'
'Please, you have to come. You have to come.' He was crying now, without being aware of it. Grief rose up in his heart and threatened to overwhelm him.
'My wife's gone crazy.'
User Reviews
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-04-23 15:23:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Circe, I've gushed enough that I'm sure you know I'm keen on you, and your work. But something, somwhere, is broken.
I can't hold the truth of this post in my head, I don't wanna lie down and cry.
Thanks for scaring me off Uber for an hour or so, I might actually get some work done.
GAH.
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2006-12-08 20:54:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Great stuff.
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2005-08-25 22:42:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
as I said reality blah blah...
Submitted by drfeggphd (user info) at 2004-12-01 14:33:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
My reaction also is probably most succintly expressed as wow.
Submitted by wazzawazzayo (user info) at 2004-12-01 14:02:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow.
Submitted by dudette (user info) at 2004-09-30 00:11:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Holy shit. That was AWESOME!
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2004-08-29 17:45:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I think we should work on something together.
This is good stuff.
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2004-08-29 17:36:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Thank you, Filthy for linking this. Circe wrote it before my time, and I never got to see it. This should be on the "Best Ever" list. Truly your best post, Circe.
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2004-08-29 14:41:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Told you so.
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2004-08-29 14:38:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
FUCKING INSANE.
this rocked my face off.
Submitted by Xena (user info) at 2004-08-26 17:57:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HOLY SHIT!!! every piece of hair on my body is standing on end...and my lunch isn't sitting so well all of a sudden. I'm not sure if I'm impressed by your writing or disturbed by your imagination.
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2004-08-26 12:58:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Jesus.
If there is anyone on this site I would co-author a book with it's you.
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2004-08-22 12:08:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I disagree with a couple of your word choices, but I can't argue with the psychological impact. I was torn between +1 and +2, and I'm going with +2 because it disturbed me too much to rate, the first time I read it. That's a good working definition of writing that kicks ass.
Submitted by the_lone_stranger (user info) at 2004-08-06 12:28:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Shit! So that's how she plans to do it!
Thanks for warning me!! As soon as I get home I'm breaking a chair or two on my wife's chest!
That conniving bitch!
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-08-06 12:20:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Scott and dear, darling Filthy - of course you both get head. I'd give head to a tree if it asked me. If it was, you know.. a good looking tree.
The pocket lint costs money, though.
And thanks for the feedback - I was kinda proud of this one. It was a little disheartening when it was buried after four reviews.
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-08-04 19:11:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by cadchick (user info) at 2004-08-04 19:00:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Excellent.
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2004-08-04 18:02:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2004-08-04 17:54:45 (#)
Ranking: 2
Thanks to Scott and FA for putting on the recently viewed, please don't fight. Make love (read: wild hot monkey sex) and send me pictures. That would be lovely.
====
Make love? Surely you scoff. Young Mr James here is a godamn sexual tyrannosaurus. Or so Jimbo tells me.
Welcome to Circe's post, the new and improved alternative to an AOL chatroom.
Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2004-08-04 17:58:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2004-08-04 17:54:45 (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow. Didn't see that one coming. Thuroughly enjoyed by......ME!
Thanks to Scott and FA for putting on the recently viewed, please don't fight. Make love (read: wild hot monkey sex) and send me pictures. That would be lovely. "
--- HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA!
That's awesome.
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2004-08-04 17:54:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow. Didn't see that one coming. Thuroughly enjoyed by......ME!
Thanks to Scott and FA for putting on the recently viewed, please don't fight. Make love (read: wild hot monkey sex) and send me pictures. That would be lovely.
Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2004-08-04 17:52:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2004-08-04 17:49:01 (#)
Ranking: 2
Dude, please. Let's not compete. This demeans us both.
(One only has to look at the times to see that clearly I started it first. So NYAH!)!"
--- Don't make come.... um, wherever you might be.
Dammit! I'm taking my ball and going home.
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2004-08-04 17:49:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2004-08-04 17:37:21 (#)
Ranking: 2
--- <Sniff> What about me? I just bumped a lot of her posts up on the recently reviewed list.
Dammit, I'm going to talk to Zola on AIM. Zola appreciates me. <sniff, sniff>
=====
Dude, please. Let's not compete. This demeans us both.
(One only has to look at the times to see that clearly I started it first. So NYAH!)
Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2004-08-04 17:37:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2004-08-04 17:24:48 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Cryopaul (user info) at 2004-08-04 17:20:34 (#)
Ranking: 2
Glad this was on recently reviewed or I would've never seen it.
=====
See that Circe? You owe me some serious head. Or pocket lint, either is good."
--- <Sniff> What about me? I just bumped a lot of her posts up on the recently reviewed list.
Dammit, I'm going to talk to Zola on AIM. Zola appreciates me. <sniff, sniff>
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2004-08-04 17:24:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Cryopaul (user info) at 2004-08-04 17:20:34 (#)
Ranking: 2
Glad this was on recently reviewed or I would've never seen it.
=====
See that Circe? You owe me some serious head. Or pocket lint, either is good.
Submitted by Cryopaul (user info) at 2004-08-04 17:20:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Glad this was on recently reviewed or I would've never seen it. Great story. A bit sad though.
Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2004-08-04 17:09:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by 1Point21Gigawatts (user info) at 2004-08-04 17:09:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh fucking sweet, will there be a part two?
Submitted by Chief_Rugger (user info) at 2004-08-04 17:06:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Kickass post man, keep it coming!!
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2004-08-04 17:02:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2004-08-04 17:00:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
So I look at some of the stuff on the front page...a picture of a pretty girl blabbering about a kitten, the most obvious shenanigans post ever and let's not forget the "Uber Tit Directory"...and then I look at this and it's four (four!) reviews.
The fuck is that all about?
Submitted by Cassiopeia (user info) at 2004-03-14 09:03:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh. My. God. That was amazing. FUCKING GREAT story!!! +200!
Submitted by Falco (user info) at 2004-03-14 03:24:32 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Shhhhhiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit im not reading that!
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2004-03-14 02:31:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Dammit. I've been thinking about writing a story with some sort of ending like that, but noooooo you had to go and do it ahead of me. Bastard.
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-03-14 01:35:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I love stories with endings like that.