Breathalyzer? Who needs one? The Stages of Drunkenness (1465 hits)
Category: SportsRating: 0.83 on 21 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by JWLMAR10 (View user info) at 2004-03-15 03:01:34 EST
With St. Patrick's Day coming up most people are preparing their livers for some heavy drinking. If you're like me then preparing your liver for a lot of drinking involves a lot of drinking. In these alcoholic times it is necessary to know your limits and to know the law. One could easily end up in the hospital or getting a DUI, or the more common; end up waking in a pool of spilled Slurpee behind a Chuckee-Cheese's three towns over with no pants. Let me tell you, there is a lot of shame involved with the last one. So you need to have a firm grasp on how much alcohol is actually in your system. There are machines that can do this, called breathalyzers, but where would we be in this world if we actually put faith into machines? The human body is actually the best indicator of drunkenness, more specifically, the bladder. You can easily tell just how drunk you are by how you urinate with these easy to remember stages:
Stages of Drunkenness
+Stage 0 (Not Drunk): This stage occurs while not drinking or after only 1 or 2 drinks. All of the alcoholics might as well just skip this stage. Urination is very infrequent and not a problem.
+Stage 1 (Starting to get a good buzz): This stage occurs after one has gotten enough drinks in them to get a nice buzz. Some people say that at this stage they are more sociable and less inhibited. The real indicator of this stage of drunkenness is that it is usually the stage in which the seal is broken. "Breaking the seal" is taking that first piss after you start drinking. From here on out, you will find yourself taking bathroom breaks very frequently.
+Stage 2 (Tipsy): At this point urination takes a little effort. The toilet bowl seems smaller and smaller and if you take your eyes off of it there could be a disaster, but you don't really care anyway.
+Stage 3 (Drunk): When you go to the bathroom at this point you are mostly just pissing on the seat and your own shoes. Sure, you try to get it in the toilet bowl, but this is similar to trying to keep a dog in the bathtub to wash it. It just doesn't seem to want to stay.
+Stage 4 (Hammered): At this point you are barely conscious. When you enter the bathroom to piss there had better be a wall for you to lean on or there could be a major disaster. As long as you think you have seen a toilet, you will just aim your stream in that general direction. Most will end up on your shoes, but you won't care. Not really caring about where your urine or vomit goes is a common sign of Stage 4.
+Stage 5 (Plastered, Destroyed): At this point you are passed out. When you black-out, also known as time-travelling, all urination will take place in your pants. You won't notice until morning and you will be pretty ashamed of yourself, but hey, that's what drinking is all about!
So now that you all know the stages, happy drinking and happy St. Patrick's Day!
User Reviews
Submitted by jwlmar10 (user info) at 2004-03-15 19:38:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
If you like this post then try this one too!
http://www.ubersite.com/m/27731
Submitted by jwlmar10 (user info) at 2004-03-15 19:36:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm psyched for St. Patty's day.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2004-03-15 16:55:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by jwlmar10 (user info) at 2004-03-15 16:46:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Are you serious? Where was this at?
Submitted by Jambo (user info) at 2004-03-15 16:12:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Only a +2 because a good friend of mine took that picture.
Submitted by jwlmar10 (user info) at 2004-03-15 15:57:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm starting to hate this site. A mildly humorous post like this is lucky to get half as many hits and reviews as garbage posts with absolutely no merit.
Submitted by jwlmar10 (user info) at 2004-03-15 09:50:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I believe that I rank your posts fairly as well. Quality is in the eye of the beholder I suppose. There's also no need to get your panties in a bunch over some harmless jibing here and there.
Submitted by Tom (user info) at 2004-03-15 04:18:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
What the fuck is the matter with you? "Wah wah wah wah <insert cheap shot at tom>" Well just so you know, I'm not going to hold anything against you. I am going to +2 your good posts, 0 your ok posts and -2 your shitty posts, just like any normal uber user would do. I am disregarding any past feelings from this point forward.
Now you can continue to act malliciously or you can just grow up. It's your choice.
As for K.M, when I see him writing the best posts on ubersite, I'll stop questioning his -2's for everyone else. It bothers me that he totally reamed on Ashlee then 10 minutes later was IMing her to be buddy-buddy.
As for Manish, well, good look with those Atlantic City hooters girls.
You three are the only three I've ever felt hostilities toward (except for fingerbang, koolmang, and squattail but I love you guys compaired to them). I do not have a beef with you any more. You totally check out with me, but K.M and Manish are not OK with me.
I'm not going to love or hate you until I decide otherwise. Have a good night.
and I really was hoping you'd do something funny with me and the 'if they mated' thing.
Submitted by jwlmar10 (user info) at 2004-03-15 04:00:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Tom's cult of complete lameness maybe.
Submitted by Kristen (user info) at 2004-03-15 03:52:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahahahaha, +2 for Lyric's endearing post-drunken rambling.
Submitted by Tom (user info) at 2004-03-15 03:52:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
What do you mean "Start", it's already begun....and it's coming for you!
Iiiiit's TOM'S CULT! With:
Former President Clinton!
The Rabbi!
and Mr. T!
Staaaaring: TOM!
I hope you don't die because you drank too much beer.
Submitted by Lyric (user info) at 2004-03-15 03:47:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
....pretty....
.......
......
I give up.
Submitted by Lyric (user info) at 2004-03-15 03:46:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
SOME prettt good memories.
Hangovers, folks, dontcha love 'em?
Submitted by Lyric (user info) at 2004-03-15 03:45:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Just because I got to stage 5 last night, and this brought back so pretty good memories...
... not to mention some pretty good gaps in my memory...
I got carried out of the bar. Enough said.
Submitted by jwlmar10 (user info) at 2004-03-15 03:37:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
"Submitted by Tom (user info) at 2004-03-15 03:27:43 (#)
Ranking: 0
This is why I'm never going to become a drunken loser. Just gonna stay a regular loser."
Once you are old enough that your head grows out from where it currently resides in your ass things might change. Then again, you seem like the kind of person to grow up insane and start a suicide cult.
Submitted by jwlmar10 (user info) at 2004-03-15 03:34:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
American Pie 3 really wasn't that awful as far as 2nd sequels go.
Submitted by Tom (user info) at 2004-03-15 03:27:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
This is why I'm never going to become a drunken loser. Just gonna stay a regular loser.
Submitted by chipolatte (user info) at 2004-03-15 03:24:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
nothing from American Pie 3 can be considered classic
Submitted by jwlmar10 (user info) at 2004-03-15 03:20:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
"It's on like Donkey Kong." Classic line from American Pie 3.
Submitted by chipolatte (user info) at 2004-03-15 03:18:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Domochevsky (user info) at 2004-03-15 03:16:05 (#)
Ranking: 1
I laughed; but that may just have been at the memory of a friend of mine who got plastered, attempted to knock out another of my friends because he wouldn't change the CD that was playing, informed the guy she hit that it was "on like konkey dong", and then fell over.
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hahahahahaa
Submitted by Domochevsky (user info) at 2004-03-15 03:16:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I laughed; but that may just have been at the memory of a friend of mine who got plastered, attempted to knock out another of my friends because he wouldn't change the CD that was playing, informed the guy she hit that it was "on like konkey dong", and then fell over.