The Biggest Boobs (16929 hits)
Category: Humor -> Dirty HumorRating: 1.28 on 107 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by JWLMAR10 (View user info) at 2004-03-15 23:53:43 EST
Sometimes fate just seems to be against you. That would be the case a few weeks ago when a friend and I, let's call him Steve, decided to go to a dance club. This was one of those college dance clubs, complete with scantily-clad drunk girls, "get crunk" rap music, and bizarre contests or events created to bring people into the club.
When Steve and I arrived at the club I was already drunk and I had my A-game ready. Jeans, white button down polo, I looked like I was coming straight out of the playa's club, complete with Aqua di Gio sprayed all over my chest and one spray to my nuts for good measure. While I am a decent looking guy, certainly not ugly, I generally tend to think that only about 3/4th's of the girls in the club are actually within my league. This would be fine, but Steve and I like to shoot for the stars.
After a few more drinks we head into a room that is lit primarily by blacklights, but has all kinds of other colors swirling around everywhere. It was a pretty good atmosphere and there were some fine honey's getting down on the dancefloor to "Shake it Like a Salt Shaker" by the Ying Yang Twins. We spotted a group of gorgeous girls a few yards away who were definitely "shaking it like a salt shaker" so to speak.
Steve immediately turned to me and informed me that we have to dance with them. Well ok, no problem there, except at this point I'm starting to have some self-doubt. These girls were really hot and I could shake it no faster than a man having a seizure, certainly not as fast as a salt shaker. But what the hell, I figured and stepped forward. I made eye-contact with one of the hotter girls in the group and tried to move in behind her for some serious grinding action. I walk up and look down to see the finest ass in a short white skirt shaking right in front of me. I grab her hips and move closer, starting to grind with her. One second later she grabs hands with another one of her friends and pulls herself away, leaving me dazed and confused. I look up to see Steve who moves in on his girl, who quickly turns around and puts a hand up in his face.
He looks at me with a look of complete understanding. Whoever said that "pimpin' ain't easy" was right. We decide to retreat to a table outside of the dance floor to have another drink. We needed it after that mega-denial. The conversation that followed between Steve and I set the bar for the rest of the night.
STEVE: "Well those were some of the best-looking girls in the club and they were total bitches."
ME: "True, oh well. Shit happens."
STEVE: "I've got an idea."
ME: "Crap."
STEVE: "Let's each pick out a girl for each other to dance with. I'll go first and you have to dance with whoever I pick no matter how ugly or unattainable she is."
ME: "Ok, whatever." (I've done this before and it's usually fun for everyone, so it couldn't hurt.)
STEVE: "Alright, let's see here... How about the girl that you just got rejected from"
ME: "..."
STEVE: "No, wait! Look at the girl dancing in the corner over there with some of her friends. She has the biggest boobs I have ever seen."
ME: "Ok, whatever."
I got up to look at her and I was stunned. She was a brunette with a princess-like face. She was drop dead gorgeous. Oh yea, she also had some of the biggest boobs I had ever seen. I mean these babies were like E's practically and she wasn't fat at all. This girl was way out of my league, there was no way she would let me dance with her.
I went up to the bar and got 2 shots of tequila. I downed them back-to-back. I was going to need some help from my good friend Al tonight. I head over to her corner of the dance floor. "Damn" is blasting through the bass by Youngbloodz and Lil Jon.
"Bitch I'm fo' sho wit it, dont make me pop that trunk ima go get it!"
"If you don't give a damn we don't give a fuck!"
"Ok," I thought, "fuck it let's do it." I started doing my alcohol dance behind the boob girl and I got her attention. She smiled back at. "Holy Shit!" I thought, "I might actually be getting somewhere." I danced up behind her and started getting closer. I move closer and closer until I come in contact with her gorgeous round ass. I prepare myself for the rejection, possibly even a smack to the face. A few seconds went by dancing with her and I realized that she wasn't going anywhere.
BRAIN: Holy shit, she is actually enjoying this! Don't fuck up now.
The chorus on the song was continuing. "If you don't give a damn we don't give a fuck!" "Don't start no shit won't be no shit! Don't start no shit won't be no shit!"
BRAIN: Damn this is good. This bitch can really dance.
PENIS: HELLO! THI-
BRAIN: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE? You can have fun, but don't screw this up for me! I want this girl's number.
PENIS: GO GO GADGET GROW!
BRAIN: NOOOOOO!!!!
It was too late. My penis had decided to become erect. I can't really blame it, this girl was really grinding like a pro. I felt it rise slightly and then more until it was firmly poking her in the ass.
BRAIN: Oh crap, there is no way that this girl will still dance with me poking her in the butt like this.
I prepared myself for her to walk off laughing, but to my surprise she just turned her head back and gave me another smile.
BRAIN: You got lucky this time buddy. Next time be more careful.
PENIS: AAAAHHHHH YES!
What happened next shocked me. The girl then reached behind her and grabbed my bulge. She was gorgeous AND a slut. That was awesome. I couldn't even believe it. She wanted me majorly. I turned around to see if Steve was seeing this. I looked back and saw him with a huge grin on his face as he was dancing with another girl. I turned mostly away from my girl and gave him a huge thumbs up and my biggest shit-eating grin. Then I loooked a little bit to my left and saw a bright light...
==========FAST FORWARD 2 WEEKS==========
I flipped on my TV to catch Chappelle's Show when a commercial caught my attention. It caught my attention because it was for the club that I was at.
ANNOUNCER: We have the hottest girls and the wildiest parties! And remember it's ladies night every Thursday night!
While this was going on they were showing shots of good-looking college students dancing together at the club. Then I saw my face on screen all of a sudden. The camera zoomed out to show me giving the thumbs up with a huge shit-eating grin on my face. It zoomed out more and at the bottom of the screen, in clear sight was my crotch with the biggest bulge in my jeans just waving around in the air. I was in shock.
People now call me chubs.
User Reviews
Submitted by BrownEyedGirrl (user info) at 2006-03-03 15:53:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
There's waving at the camera and then there's WAVING AT THE CAMERA!!!
Rock On CHuBBsy!!
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-03-03 15:32:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
oh, chubbsy
Submitted by jwlmar10 (user info) at 2004-05-04 02:39:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Well, don't just stand there! Do something!
Submitted by jwlmar10 (user info) at 2004-05-04 01:34:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
The people agree. This post needs more exposure.
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2004-04-30 03:39:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
meh. can't hurt.
b@w.
Submitted by jwlmar10 (user info) at 2004-04-27 13:48:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Ok, forget it.
Submitted by jwlmar10 (user info) at 2004-04-27 00:11:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Can I get any takers?
Submitted by jwlmar10 (user info) at 2004-04-27 00:11:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Who thinks this deserves B@W?
Submitted by korthrun (user info) at 2004-04-26 23:27:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good fucking job.
"Look Ma, my chubs on TV!"
That rocks.
Korth
Submitted by antiLemming (user info) at 2004-04-26 23:12:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You don't hear that every day. Made me laugh out loud.
Submitted by jwlmar10 (user info) at 2004-04-26 22:58:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"Submitted by jwlmar10 (user info) at 2004-04-24 04:24:21 (#)
Ranking: 0
Hold me closer tiny dancer...
Count the headlights on the highway...
I am drunk..."
Man, I must have been really drunk.
Submitted by jwlmar10 (user info) at 2004-04-24 04:24:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
This post rules
Submitted by jwlmar10 (user info) at 2004-04-24 04:24:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Hold me closer tiny dancer...
Count the headlights on the highway...
I am drunk...
Submitted by jwlmar10 (user info) at 2004-04-19 01:43:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
appendectomy? who the hell is this guy?
Submitted by ThatOneGirl (user info) at 2004-04-18 18:56:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I especially liked the "go go gadget grow" part.
Submitted by Yams (user info) at 2004-04-18 14:31:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Hmm...sounds like something that I shant fear. I RULE!
Submitted by appendectomy_Ernest_Borgnine (user info) at 2004-04-17 20:40:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL this is so funy!!
Submitted by appendectomy_Ernest_Borgnine (user info) at 2004-04-17 20:40:07 EDT (#)
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Submitted by appendectomy_Ernest_Borgnine (user info) at 2004-04-17 20:30:55 EDT (#)
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Submitted by appendectomy_Ernest_Borgnine (user info) at 2004-04-12 11:35:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by jwlmar10 (user info) at 2004-04-09 17:02:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"PENIS: GO GO GADGET GROW!"
I linked it because of that line. I thought you might want to read it.
Submitted by jumpinjellyfish (user info) at 2004-04-07 16:22:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I like this story...very funny!
Submitted by speeddaimon (user info) at 2004-04-07 14:52:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I hate people that link to their own post when it has nothing to do with anything.
FUCK YOU!
for proof: http://www.ubersite.com/m/29714
Submitted by quack (user info) at 2004-03-27 22:22:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
ive ploayed that same game before. pick a girl for your buddy to hit on. makes for good times.
Submitted by K.M (user info) at 2004-03-27 20:24:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by jwlmar10 (user info) at 2004-03-24 09:40:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Bart will never put this on bored at work because the title will attract about 2 trillion or so hits, catapulting me to the apex of the most viewed authors list.
Submitted by MOssiah (user info) at 2004-03-23 23:47:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Brilliant
Submitted by BonesForBucks (user info) at 2004-03-23 23:39:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is classic. This is the kind of thing that should be on boredatwork. The first half was ok, but the last half was hilarious, and memorable.
Submitted by jwlmar10 (user info) at 2004-03-21 23:50:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
OK, I didn't make it up. This is 100% true.
Submitted by PWNstar (user info) at 2004-03-21 23:23:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
PENIS: GO GO GADGET GROW!
shit, I'm going to think this the next time I pop one dancing. Thank you Ubersite.
Submitted by Nobb (user info) at 2004-03-21 22:50:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
One of the few posts on Uber that has made me actually laugh my ass off in real life. Shame it was made up, you shouldn't have said anything.
Submitted by jwlmar10 (user info) at 2004-03-19 23:48:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
ok i am
Submitted by jwlmar10 (user info) at 2004-03-19 22:23:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
actually i'm not
Submitted by jwlmar10 (user info) at 2004-03-19 20:19:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
just kidding
Submitted by jwlmar10 (user info) at 2004-03-19 20:19:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
BORED AT WORK!!!1 LOL!!
Submitted by SPE (user info) at 2004-03-19 19:44:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Very funny
Submitted by Beren (user info) at 2004-03-19 19:42:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! That's great, Chub!
Submitted by jwlmar10 (user info) at 2004-03-19 19:00:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I apologize for ruining the Youngbloodz poetry.
Submitted by reallybored (user info) at 2004-03-19 16:41:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesomeness.
Submitted by MadScientist (user info) at 2004-03-19 16:29:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
+2 for a very entertaining story.
-1 for getting the Youngbloodz' lyrics wrong.
"Bitch I'm fo' sho wit it, dont make me pop that trunk ima go get it!"
...should actually be...
"Bitch I'm fo' sho' wit it, dont make me pop my trunk to da 'Lac, bitch I will go get it"
No hard feelins...Good story
Submitted by jwlmar10 (user info) at 2004-03-19 16:08:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Do you mean the BRAIN-PENIS dialogue? There have been tons of people to personify their twanger, so it is hardly ripping anyone off.
Submitted by jwlmar10 (user info) at 2004-03-19 16:06:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
"Submitted by Murphy1844 (user info) at 2004-03-19 05:04:56 (#)
Ranking: 0
A rip-off turned in to what I think is a lie, but this was the most hilarious thing I've read in a while! I'm laughin right now and trying to keep my fingers on the right keys! J, you're funny, just get your own material fakrissake! Damn, this was good... keep it up!
Murphy "
What did I rip-off? I will concede to the lie part, but I demand to know what you think I ripped this off of.
By the way, thanks for the praise. I appreciate your opinions.
Submitted by Murphy1844 (user info) at 2004-03-19 05:06:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
There.
Submitted by Murphy1844 (user info) at 2004-03-19 05:06:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
See? One zero, two twos = 2/3's of a two. Hang on... one more...
Submitted by Murphy1844 (user info) at 2004-03-19 05:05:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Murphy1844 (user info) at 2004-03-19 05:05:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh yeah.... rating... I'll make up for it.
Submitted by Murphy1844 (user info) at 2004-03-19 05:04:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
A rip-off turned in to what I think is a lie, but this was the most hilarious thing I've read in a while! I'm laughin right now and trying to keep my fingers on the right keys! J, you're funny, just get your own material fakrissake! Damn, this was good... keep it up!
Murphy
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2004-03-16 11:55:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I would have given you a +2 if you hadn't ruined it by telling us it was fictional!
Submitted by Acarnis (user info) at 2004-03-16 11:21:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Tru.
Submitted by Ymeister19 (user info) at 2004-03-16 08:43:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Man you get a +2 just because of the fact that ive got this same problem. Random wood on random girls is a scary scene, however it seems like it usually results in getting layed by the hot bitch who is victim to the wood so i guess it all works out for the best.
Submitted by GrizzlyHunter62 (user info) at 2004-03-16 03:18:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
What's wrong with you? Control your cock man. If you're not in charge of him...what ARE you in charge of?
Submitted by Ace (user info) at 2004-03-16 03:14:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Could've sworn I gave this a 2...
Submitted by shadowdragon (user info) at 2004-03-16 02:32:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
*big shit-eating grin* just for you!
Submitted by Ace (user info) at 2004-03-16 01:15:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
YES! Hilarious.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/26708
Ya damn skippy.
Submitted by jwlmar10 (user info) at 2004-03-16 00:49:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
HAHAHA, yea that's about what I had in mind.
Submitted by ess2s2 (user info) at 2004-03-16 00:44:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Just because I would love it if some girl like that grabbed my bulge.
I know this is fictional, but did the girl look like this?
http://www.christinamodel.com
Submitted by Papajoe (user info) at 2004-03-16 00:43:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I laughed. I could see this happening, ok well I can dream about this happening to me.
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2004-03-16 00:37:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Well, I liked it.
Submitted by jwlmar10 (user info) at 2004-03-16 00:36:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm sorry daking for causing you a homo-erotic boner.
Submitted by jwlmar10 (user info) at 2004-03-16 00:30:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
"I am not sure why but perhaps it is to masturbatory."
HAHAHAHA. Have you been in the clubs these days?!
Submitted by dakingisdead (user info) at 2004-03-16 00:29:55 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by jwlmar10 (user info) at 2004-03-16 00:05:01 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by dakingisdead (user info) at 2004-03-16 00:02:00 (#)
Ranking: -1
Chubs eh?
I can't say this did a lot for me.
I am not sure why but perhaps it is to masturbatory.
This is coming from a guy who has many posts about boobs and other sexual topics.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Yes I do. If you actually bothered to read them, you will see that they are not about how I am such a big pimp and I try to score with all the girls and my pecker did this etc etc.
In fact if you could read above fourth grade you would see that they are actually done more as essays rather than stories.
Your tone on this post resembled one hand typing.
And that my son is My opinion.
Like It OR Lump It.
I don't Give a Flying Fuck!
And that reply also just earned you a minus 2.
Have a nice day.
Submitted by WookieSuave (user info) at 2004-03-16 00:13:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Sounds like something that could potentially happen to me...... Stupid penis
Submitted by moose74 (user info) at 2004-03-16 00:07:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
This post isn't bad. It's not good. It's so so.
Submitted by jwlmar10 (user info) at 2004-03-16 00:05:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by dakingisdead (user info) at 2004-03-16 00:02:00 (#)
Ranking: -1
Chubs eh?
I can't say this did a lot for me.
I am not sure why but perhaps it is to masturbatory.
This is coming from a guy who has many posts about boobs and other sexual topics.
Submitted by jwlmar10 (user info) at 2004-03-16 00:03:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
"It is based around a lot of crazy moments that have occured in dance clubs."
I should say that it is based around a lot of experiences that I have had personally. For example, the boner. I think we have all had that experience at a dance club if you actually are a guy and you go.
Submitted by dakingisdead (user info) at 2004-03-16 00:02:00 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
Chubs eh?
I can't say this did a lot for me.
I am not sure why but perhaps it is to masturbatory.
Submitted by jwlmar10 (user info) at 2004-03-16 00:01:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Thanks, that's not actually my nickname. This is actually a fictional story, that I thought would be funny. It is based around a lot of crazy moments that have occured in dance clubs.
Submitted by K S <Filer_Gurl2005.at.Yahoo.com> at 2004-03-15 23:58:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Lol, I am so sorry, but a very good post!!!
~K~