The Devil Made Me Do It (681 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 2 on 10 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Beau <Party03> (View user info) at 2004-03-16 10:59:35 EST
Shortly after setting Jeff Bridges a blaze (http://www.ubersite.com/m/18894), I was apprehended by the authorities. It seems that you can't just go around burning celebrities anymore. What's the world coming to? I was told of a time when the people of Silverton Oregon would have bon fires of celebrities before the homecoming football game for luck. Well, not anymore. Now I sat face to face with my lawyer as we hashed out a game plan.
"Well, the evidence is all piled against you now." He told me.
"I know that! Tell me something new." I answered.
He thought about my case and my dilemma for a short amount of time. "Well, there is one sure fire way to get you off the hook."
I sat on the edge of my seat in anticipation as he just stared at me. After waiting for about five minutes I couldn't take it anymore. "What the hell is your plan?"
"Oh, you actually wanted to hear it. Well, the way I see it, you weren't in control of all your faculties. You were what we in the industry call 'Possessed.'"
"Oh just quit with the legal mumbo-jumbo, and tell me what you're thinking." I yelled at him.
"You really are stupid huh? Simply put, the Devil made you do it." He calmly answered back.
It was just crazy enough to work, and we were about two hours away from trial (what can I say? I'm a procrastinator.). It was better than nothing.
We set out for the court house. After some bullshit speech about how obvious it was that I did it, something about a glove, and video evidence, it was my attorney's turn for an opening statement. He stood up, straightened out his tie, took a drink of water, and reviewed his notes.
"My opponent has given a stirring speech. He would have you believe that my client acted on his own free will. Ladies and Gentlemen I am here today to tell you that my client acted with out any other option. In fact, the Devil made him do it."
The judge asked if he meant the Devil as in Lucifer, the Prince of Darkness, Satan. Of course that's who my attorney meant, and he told the judge so.
"Well if that's the case then is your client now free of the Devil's influence?" The judge asked.
"Yes, he has moved to a new address and changed his phone number and e-mail address." My lawyer countered.
"Then the way I see it he's free to go." The judge then called a uniformed police officer over and issued him a warrant for this Mr. Devil.
I then had this idea in my head. If it was that easy to get away with burning a movie star, what else could I get away with?
That night I went out on the town and set to my mischeivous ways. I started out by going to walking into the Portland International Airport. I walked up to the first traveler a found and said, "Bomb." Bolting for the door I thought about how much of a bad ass I was.
I made my way over to the local grocery store, bought a pack of cigarettes, and wrote my name on my change.
The clerk gasped at me. "You can't write on a dollar bill! It's a federal crime." He pleaded with me.
"The Devil made me do it." I told him smugly, as I walked out the door.
As I drove out of the parking lot, I went out the entrance. Breaking the rules is such a rush.
For my next conquest, I went to the bar, and bought some beer for some 19 year olds waiting outside.
For my grand finale, I went in to Salem, and drove up and down Portland road until I found a prostitute. I pulled over and asked her to get in. She tried telling me some excuse of "she's not a prostitue how dare I think she is!"
As she walked away I yelled at her "What's the matter baby? Sex with me is the best flu shot of your life!" Alas it was not meant to be. I had to settle on knocking over several old people with walkers to make myself feel better.
I went to bed shortly after that and woke up to the police beating down my door. I write this now from a federal prison as we speak. I am serving a 6 month sentence for my one night of fun. Apparently, My previous excuse only works for first time offenders. It's not too bad though. I manage to hold on to my soap on a rope, and I can always get head. It doesn't make me gay if they suck my dick. Right? Right?
User Reviews
Submitted by Party03 (user info) at 2004-03-17 09:28:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Thanks iddqd. I thought it would be a little too easy to do a story about the actual devil.
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2004-03-16 22:50:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
this is awesome, thats a great idea - to tie in your last assigned title into this one, really creative. excellent. im feeling beter about doing this 'posts id like to see' thing again.
Submitted by Party03 (user info) at 2004-03-16 16:08:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
The trip was ok, I hate flying into Chicago O' Hare though. It's the worst Airport I've ever had to go through. I'll IM you to tell you more.
Submitted by DJMattB241 (user info) at 2004-03-16 16:03:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
long time no see dude! how was the trip?
Submitted by Party03 (user info) at 2004-03-16 14:43:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by oddbob (user info) at 2004-03-16 11:13:01 (#)
Ranking: 2
+2, the idea of having celebrity burning parties will have me smiling for the rest of the day. Just think how easily we could get rid of them...
That was pretty much the common feeling of Silverton.
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2004-03-16 13:54:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by K.M (user info) at 2004-03-16 13:07:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by volklcess (user info) at 2004-03-16 12:09:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I once sold my soul to the devil.
Okay, not really.
:-)
phoenix
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2004-03-16 11:39:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by oddbob (user info) at 2004-03-16 11:13:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2, the idea of having celebrity burning parties will have me smiling for the rest of the day. Just think how easily we could get rid of them...