Dreams and Regret (552 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 2 on 8 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Esso (View user info) at 2004-03-17 08:18:30 EST
My head involuntarily bobbed as the bus rolled down the rain torn farm roads. The bus driver down shifted and came to a stop before a white, one-story house. I looked out the window and saw her step down the stairs from the side door and stroll down the short gravel drive.
Erica.
This was the girl I walked with in the sleeping hours and daydreamed about while awake. Light brown hair, curvy body, hazel eyes. A carefree laugh, a sly smile, and a confident step. My freshman fantasy.
Erica.
I watched her walk towards and enter the bus. She stepped down the narrow aisle and called her friends' names as they waved her over. The bus began to roll on and I turned my attention to the house. Erica's house. I wondered what her room looked like, what her parents were like. I wondered if she did her homework before or after dinner. I imagined her curled up with a blanket on a couch in her living room watching television. Maybe I was a tad bit obsessed. Maybe everyone obsesses over the things they think they can't have.
We had had a class together earlier that year. Health and Wellness, I think it was. We sat next to each other and she tried to talk to me. I was dumbstruck. At this time in my life I felt like a loser. I couldn't imagine any girl of that caliber liking me. Yet here she was, trying to chat me up. I stuttered my responses and my face burned in embarrassment.
The class ended and I was left with two years of morning bus ride pipe dreams. After receiving my driver's license, the bus rides ended, girlfriends became abundant, and I forgot about Erica and her white house. I'd see her once in a while around campus and express to my friends my appreciation of her appearance ("Damn, she's hot!), but I was realistic enough to end my midday musings.
Graduation happened soon after and people moved on, including myself. College brought it's own adventures in promiscuity with occasional lapses into relationships. I reveled in my newfound prowess and during the winter break returned home feeling like a conqueror.
A couple of alumni who still lived in town threw a party for all those who returned. I contacted some friends and we descended upon the scene with keg cups and freshly rolled joints in hand. After filling our decanters of de cheap shit, we walked around the bonfire to scope out the festivities. Then I saw her.
Erica.
She still looked beautiful. It was only a few months after graduation, but I had seen some girls blow up after leaving the rigorous work-outs of cheerleading practice. Erica still had the curves, the smile, and the laugh. I walked up confidently and said hello.
"Hey Ben! How are you?" She stretched out the "you" the way girls do. Not in the condescending way, but with an "It's good to see you" delivery.
I responded with a "Great! And you?" The small talk had begun.
We ended up talking all night. Talking and drinking. Drinking and talking. People began to leave one, three at a time. I announced that it was time for me to go and she walked with me to my car.
"Well, I'll be in town in a while," I said out the window as I put the key in the ignition. "Maybe we could..." I stopped. My car wouldn't start.
"Is everything all right?" she asked. It HAD been all right. Now I was going to look like a winner in my junky car that wouldn't FUCKING START! AAARRRGGG!!!
"Yeah, I guess. It's just that my car won't start. I don't know why, but...well, can I get a ride home?"
"Sure," she said. She smiled and I half heartedly returned it.
Now, at any other time, this would have seemed like an opportune time to make some moves with this girl I had dreamed about in my first years of high school. However, my automobile had successfully mangled my mettle. I was telling myself that the only reason she was giving me a ride was because she was just being nice to a fellow graduate.
We jumped in her car and cruised back into town. I didn't have much to say. The late hour, the booze wearing off, and my recent humiliation had made me very tired. She looked over at me and turned down the stereo.
"Hey, I'm feeling a little tired and drunk," she said. I nodded in agreement. "Do you mind if we just go back to my house. I'll give you a ride wherever you want tomorrow morning."
Here's where the reader will say, "You lucky bastard! She is asking you if you want to go back to her place. You're in! You're fucking in!" Maybe I was. I sure as hell didn't turn her down, if that's what you're thinking.
Driving down that same old farm road that had been on my bus route years before, I came to the realization that my daydreams were about to come true. I was going into the white house, Erica's house. I would get to see her room. I would get to...I might...My heart picked up a Sepultura beat.
I walked into the house behind her, trying to act nonchalant, but my eyes were taking everything in. And why not? Dreams most often do not come true. This particular fantasy was unfolding before me in Technicolor reality. No rewinding here, folks. The memories are all we've got.
She pointed me to the bedroom and she went into the bathroom to change. I stripped of my shirt, shoes, and socks, but couldn't bring myself to undress past that. I slipped beneath the covers and awaited...awaited what?
"What am I going to do?" I thought. "Does she really want to have a one night tryst with me? Erica? Probably not. She's just being nice, is all. I better not make to quick a move, or she'll kick my ass out into the street. And there's nothing out there but corn and cow shit."
"Scoot over," she said as she, too, slipped under the covers. I did as asked and turned towards her.
"Thanks for letting me stay here," I said stupidly.
"No problem. Wasn't it fun seeing everyone tonight?" I might have been in a school of higher learning, but I had a lot of lessons yet to learn. I took this start of small talk as sign that what I had feared was true: this would be simply a platonic, opposite sex sleep over. No nookie for Benjy.
We chit-chatted, she turned her back to me and we spooned and talked until we fell asleep. I did not attempt any seductive moves. Not even a subtle "Oops, I Touched Your Breast" slight of hand. I spooned, I smiled sadly, and I fell asleep.
The next morning Erica made us a small breakfast of fruit and yogurt and then she drove me back to my parent's house. She pulled her VW into their driveway and I grabbed at the door handle.
"Thanks again," I said, looking at the steering column.
"Don't worry about it. I hope your car's all right."
"Yeah. Well, I'll see you around."
"See you around." I stepped back, closed the door and she drove off.
I never did see her around. I lost my one opportunity with a girl I had dreamed of due to fear and complacency. If I knew then what I knew now would I do it differently? I don't know, but I would hope so. I find it's easier to get over the things I've done than to get over the regret of those things I never did.
I never did say goodbye.
Goodbye, Erica.
User Reviews
Submitted by WiKi (user info) at 2004-05-15 15:13:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wooo..this was good.
The same thing *sorta* happened to me.. the guy I liked since 10th grade came over to my apartment about a year and a half after graduation. It was my first time seeing him since high school.
The difference? He ended up staying the night. I talk to him a lot now, actually. I guess I was lucky.. :/ Sorry bout your back luck.. maybe you'll get another chance, eh?
Submitted by Adona (user info) at 2004-05-15 15:13:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome.
Submitted by CunningVision (user info) at 2004-05-15 14:53:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Holy Crap! This was good! It's nice to find a jewel hidden away on this site.
Submitted by esso_merda (user info) at 2004-03-17 23:23:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Guess I should put the word porn or pistols in my titles more often if I want anyone to read what I wrote. Thanks to those who liked it, though.
Submitted by cellar_door (user info) at 2004-03-17 17:41:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The writing is great...the story is a little depressing. You sure you weren't stalking her before all this?
Submitted by AlwaysAnEagle (user info) at 2004-03-17 14:53:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good writing, sorry things worked out as they did. You never know though.
Submitted by w00twhat (user info) at 2004-03-17 09:07:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
aw this was really good.
thanx for playin',
w00t! what?
Submitted by squattail (user info) at 2004-03-17 08:21:32 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
HAHAHAHAHA IT IS FUNNY BECAUSE no wait