The meaning of life (904 hits)
Category: Sound & MusicRating: -1.33 on 7 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Your Supremebeing (View user info) at 2004-03-20 15:15:05 EST
While I was sitting trying to figure out the meaning of life I ran across the answers to a few of my biggest questions. For example, Why wont that turd flush?
Is it waiting for something? Does it want a hug goodbye? Is it waiting for an E ticket for the ride its about to go on?
The questions just kept coming. So after 15 years of research this is what I found.
The Little Too Late Turd:
The one that comes out just as you stand up and pull on your pants.
The Prayer Turd:
The Prayer Turd is when you finish your dump and look over at the toilet paper and there is only enough for one wipe so you pray to god that it will be a dry turd.
The Suitcase Turd:
The turd that is so hard to get out you finally decide to end it all.
The Cannonball Turd
The kind where you know that as soon as it drops, your butt will be splashed with water.
The Homesick Turd:
Turd that you discover, after thinking it long flushed, has returned home.
The Atomic Blast Turd:
The turd that smells soooo nasty, life on Pluto falls over and dies.
The Spray Can Turd:
When you fart and the turd sprays all over the toilet bowl (sometime even on the seat).
The Coin Turd:
The one when you swallow a quarter, dump it out the next day, pick it out of the turd, then spend it.
The "What-The-Hell-Did-I-Just-Do?" Turd:
This thing is so big it kinda looks like it's staring back at you. You feel like if you flush it, you might kill it or something and that it'll come back for revenge and kill your dog and kids.
The Contemplating Turd:
Does a turd in the toilet go "Plop!" when there is no one around to hear it?
The Star Wars Turd:
The one that looks like Yoda and gives you special powers.
The Disolving Turd:
The turd that came out solid but then melted and turned the water all murky brown.
The Pressurized Turd:
The turd that comes out so fast that you wonder what is going on. Then after it is finished coming out, you let out a big fart that was driving force behind it.
The Explosive Turd:
It is the kind that hits hard and comes out so fast that you think you are going to launch off the toilet bowl through the ceiling.
The "It`s Too Late Now" Turd/DT>:
After holding it in for too long, you try and go, but nothing comes out. You know it's still in there, though. Needless to say, very uncomfortable.
The Clay Turd:
The poopie that is so big, hard and so difficult to get out of your butt that you have to stand up and sit down a few times to mold it into the right shape to get rid of it.
The Buddhist Turd:
The one that requires an hour of meditation.
The Rawhide Turd:
Turd you hold in so long that when you finally let it go, it comes out very smooth like leather.
The Politically Correct Turd:
Turd that isn't too long, isn't too short, floats and sinks, and doesn't smell.
The School Water Fountain Turd:
The kind that comes out so fast and furious so it causes dirty toilet water to splash up on your butt. Then that makes you feel unfresh all the rest of the day.
The Peanut Turd:
Here you get leftover peanuts in your turds. You usually see these on airplanes.
The Fart Suprise Turd:
When you are out on a date and you feel a little tooter coming. You think that you can let it go without anyone noticing then pfft you have a pants load.
The Cracker Turd:
The turd that looks like that cracker you had a few minutes ago.
The Alien Turd:
Green. That says it all.
The Silly String Turd:
A thin turd that swirls around the bowl in one, continuous, unbroken link. Generally it will leave it's mark after flushing. You have the urge to call someone to come and look.
The Dingleberry Turd:
This is a probably a living turd. After a well taken dump (often Rabbit Turd), you flush. However the Dingleberry never goes down. It sits at the bottom looking up at you. Often you leave before you see it, but the next person will. The next person usually finds another stall because they are afraid of the Dingleberry, like the Dingleberry is saying, "Go away. Get the hell out of here. This is my home."
The Magic Turd:
Possibly the most perfect turd. It is like the Clean Turd because you don't have to wipe, but like the Ghost Turd it dissapears. You do feel very relieved and like you have done a good job though.
UFO Turd: (Unidentified Floating Object)
This turd usually comes whenever you see flying saucers in the sky, a ghost in your house or are taking a dump at school or work.
Explosion Turd:
This turd is a combination of at least five turds from this page at once.
The Musical Turd:
This turd is actually more of a fart. Depending on the size of the turd, you get a different pitched note. Cool.
The Bob Dole Turd:
This turd usually is pretty hard to get out. After all the work, you check out the toilet and there's just this small old rock hard poop.
The Cling-On Turd:
You don't want to get this turd when there's not much toilet paper left. It happens when you take a dump and some lost turd just sticks around and refuses to drop into the toilet.
The Impersonator Turd:
The kind of turd that resembles famous people or cartoon characters.
The UH-OH Turd
This turd usually is the result of a fart that goes awry. You think you can secretly pass gas and then the unthinkable happens: You take a dump in your pants. This can usually be rectified by putting the turd in the toilet when nobody is looking, just make sure to wash your hands.
The Clogger Turd:
This turd is usually hard and cold and the color black. It happens when you take a dump and it wont flush down without overflowing. Since it's the turd clogging the toilet and not toilet paper, you have to put your hand in a plastic bag and squeeze the life out of it till it gives up and heads down to clog the pipes under your house.
The Ghost Turd:
The kind where you feel turd come out, see turd on the toilet paper, but there aren't any turds in the bowl.
The Clean Turd:
The kind where you feel turds come out, see turds in the bowl, but there's no skid marks on the toilet paper.
The Water Fart Turd:
The kind of turd where you don't actually take a dump but sit on the toilet, fart a little and water comes out.
The Breakfast At Dinner Turd:
The kind of turd where you eat some messed up food for breakfast, you can't digest it and have to take a dump really quick to get rid of it. (oh yeah, you forget to flush) Then that evening, your roommate or spouse, etc, prepares a dinner that looks surprisingly familiar...
The Wet Turd:
You wipe your butt fifty times and it still feels unwiped. So you end up putting toilet paper between your butt and your underwear so you don't ruin them with those brown skid marks.
The Second Wave Turd:
This turd happens when you've finished, your pants are up to your knees, and you suddenly realize you still have to take a dump.
The Brain Hemorrhage Through Your Nose Turd:
Also known as "Pop a Vein in your Forehead Turd". You have to strain so much to get it out that you turn purple and practically have a heart attack.
The Corn Turd:
No explanation necessary.
The Lincoln Log Turd:
The kind of turd that's so enormous you're afraid to flush it down without first breaking it up into little pieces with the toilet brush.
The Notorious Drink Turd:
The kind of turd you have the morning after a long night of drinking. It's most noticeable trait is the greasy skid marks left on the bottom of the toilet bowl after you flush.
The "Gee, I thing I can I think I can" Turd:
The kind where you want to take a dump, but even after straining your guts out, all you do is sit on the toilet, cramped up and fart a little.
The Wet Cheeks Turd:
Also known as the "Power Dump". That's the kind that comes out of your butt so fast that your butt cheeks get splashed with the toilet water.
The Liquid Turd:
That's the kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your butt, splashes all over the side of the toilet bowl then really burns your butt.
The Mexican Food Turd:
The turd looks like a burrito. Also, it smells up the bathroom for like 3 days.
The Crowd Pleaser:
This turd is so intriguing in size and/or appearance that you have to show it to someone before flushing or wiping your butt.
The Mood Enhancer:
This turd occurs after a long time of constipation, thereby allowing you to be your old self again.
The Ritual Turd:
This turd occurs at the same time each day and is accomplished with the aid of a newspaper.
The Guinness Book Of World Turds Turd:
A turd so special it should be recorded for future generations.
The Aftershock Turd:
This turd has an odor so powerful than anyone living in the area of at least 20 miles is affected.
The "The Honeymoon's Over" Turd:
This is any turd created around your partner.
The Groaner Turd:
A turd so huge it can't get out of your butt without a good grunt.
The Floater Turd:
You know it by its floatiness, this turd has been known to come back to the top and float after many flushings.
The Ranger Turd:
A turd which wont let go. You can try to rock back and forth to shake it off, but usually you have to push it off with a piece of toilet paper.
The Phantom Turd:
This appears in the toilet mysteriously and no one will admit to putting it there.
The Peek-A-Boo Turd:
Now you see it, now you don't. This turd is playing games with you under the toilet paper. Requires patience and muscle control.
The Bombshell Turd:
A turd that comes as a complete surprise at a time that is either inappropriate to take a dump (ie. during lovemaking or a root canal) or you are nowhere near dumping facilities.
The Snake Charmer Turd:
A long skinny turd which has managed to coil itself into a frightening position - usually harmless.
The Olympic Turd:
This turd occurs exactly one hour prior to the start of any sports event in which you are playing and looks a lot like the Drinker's Turd.
The Back-To-Nature Turd:
This turd may be any kind but is always left either in the woods or while hiding behind the front seat of your car.
The Pebbles-From-Heaven:
An adorable collection of small turds in a cluster, often a gift from God when you actually can't take a dump.
Premeditated Turd
Laxative induced. Doesn't count.
Energizer vs. Duracell Turd
Also known as a "Still Going and going" turd.
The Power Dump:
The kind that comes out so fast, you barely get your pants down before it shoots out of your butt.
The Liquid Plumber Turd:
This kind of turd is so big it plugs up the toilet and it overflows all over the floor. The toilet plunger wont work! (You should have followed the advice from the Lincoln Log turd)
The Spinal Tap Turd:
The kind of turd that hurts so much coming out, you'd swear you were paralyzed from the waist down.
The "I Think I'm Giving Birth Through My Bunghole" Turd:
Similar to the Lincoln Log and The Spinal Tap Shits. The shape and size of the turd resembles a tall boy beer can.
The Porridge Turd:
The type that comes out of your butt like toothpaste, and just keeps on coming. You have two choices: (a) flush and keep going, or (b) risk it piling up to your butt while you sit there and can't do anything.
The "I'm Going To Chew My Food Better" Turd:
When the bag of Doritos you ate last night cuts apart the insides of your bunghole on the way out in the morning.
The "I Think I'm Turning Into A Bunny" Turd:
When you drop lots of cute, little round ones that look like marbles and make tiny splashing sounds when they hit the water.
The "What The Hell Died In Here?" Turd:
Also sometimes referred to as The Toxic Dump. Of course you don't warn anyone of the deadly bathroom fumes. Instead, you stand innocently near the door and enjoy the show as people run out choking and gasping for air.
The "I'm Pretty Sure There's Still A Turd Dangling There" Turd:
Where you just sit there patiently and wait for the last cling-on to drop off because if you wipe now, it's going to smear all over the place and you'll never get it clean.
Sneaky Turd:
The kind that gets all over your hand when you go for the wipe.
The Ahead of Itself Turd:
The kind of turd that stinks two minutes before you take a dump.
Heavy Turd:
The kind when you get off the toilet and you fell like you lost ten pounds.
Bravo Turd:
The kind of turd you're so proud of, you have to take a bow even if nobody's there.
Rainbow Turd:
The kind that has so many different colors that someone would think you eat nothing but skittles.
Camouflage Turd: (most commonly found in cows)
The kind that looks just like muddy grass until you step in it.
The "Not Really Turd" Turd:
The kind of turd that happens when someone secretly slips some laxative in your drink, then you eat a pizza. You have to take a dump right then and you can see things that look like mushrooms and pepperoni in it.
Countless Turd:
The kind that is in so many pea sized pieces that you couldn't possibly count them.
Flu Turd:
The kind of turd where you're not sure if you want to take a dump in the toilet and throw up on the floor, or throw up in the toilet and take a dump on the floor.
Suicide Turd:
The kind of turd that goes down the hole before you flush it.
Forgetful Turd:
When you get through taking a dump and you forgot to check for toilet paper before you go into the bathroom. Then you have to use whatever you can find, like: The cardboard center of the toilet paper roll, an old washrag with a hole in it, or the pages ripped out of a Time Magazine that fell behind the toilet three years ago.
Hair Turd:
Pieces of turd so thin, you don't feel them as they come flying out of your ass like a bunch of slimy, sleek snakes.
Jalapeno Turd:
The kind of turd that burns so much, it makes you want to kill a Mexican.
The Homicide Turd:
This is the turd that after you take a dump, everyone that comes into the bathroom after you asks, What died in here?
The Catholic Turd:
The turd that wont come until you finsh 10 Hail Marys and smells so bad that you have to go to confession.
And FINALLY the BIGGEST Turd of all time!
User Reviews
Submitted by Supremebeing (user info) at 2004-03-20 20:47:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hehehe this was actually a sense of humor test. ALL but one of you failed miserably thus far!
Submitted by DarthAwesome (user info) at 2004-03-20 20:38:08 (#)
Ranking: 2
Well I hadn't read it, and I thought it was funny.
____________________________________________________________________________________________________
Thanks DarthAwesome, You are truly enlightened and obviously an intelligent individual.
I mean COME ON Turds and Farts are priceless and historically funny!
Submitted by DarthAwesome (user info) at 2004-03-20 20:38:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Well I hadn't read it, and I thought it was funny.
Submitted by Mr_Insanity (user info) at 2004-03-20 17:24:13 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
The "Lets post (copy and paste) something long, old, unoriginal and stupid" turd:
This.
Your life has no meaning.
Submitted by Chuck (user info) at 2004-03-20 16:44:39 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
What bargled said.
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-03-20 15:34:22 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Sound & Music?
Submitted by Kilgore (user info) at 2004-03-20 15:28:03 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Why do people constantly think that it is a good idea to post 5 year old email forwards. They weren't funny when I was in high school, and oddly enough, aren't funny now. Also, if your shit is black, you should really talk to your doctor.
Submitted by bargled (user info) at 2004-03-20 15:19:19 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
funny, when i read this 4 years ago.