Sideburns, I'm Leaving You for Will Zone (1251 hits)
Category: RomanceRating: 1.45 on 23 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Phoenix <volklcess.at.aol.com> (View user info) at 2004-03-22 14:58:33 EST
Dear Sideburns,
Writing this letter is painful, but necessary. By now, you probably haven't noticed that I've left you for Will Zone because it's been a few days since I've talked to you. I'm sure you can understand my reasons here. I mean, how can I be with someone who doesn't even want to post at Uber anymore? How could I possibly face myself with that knowledge? I can't keep kidding myself here. After his many creepy, uberstalker advances, I've given into Will Zone, and my heart can only belong to one UberUser! Oh, the agony!
I feel you won't blame me in my change of heart - perhaps deep down you, too, have a profound love for he who calls himself Will Zone, his adorable looks, his consistently hilarious posts, and come on now, he's a comedian. Everyone loves a comedian. What woman doesn't love a man that can make her laugh? Just admit it, Sideburns. You love Will Zone too...But you can't have him. He's MINE. <insert psychotic laugh>
Your posts, while funny, just can't top those of the guy who tries to make a career out of making people laugh. I stay up late at night and think of all the potentially funny things Will Zone could be saying right at that moment, potentially funny things *I* could be missing. I think, What stories will Will Zone think up next? Another bloody mishap with an exploding whale? Another day trying to grab a flier for a discount for women to join the gym? Another blow job behind an x-ray (...I'll kill that bitch :::incoherent mumblings:::)? Or more interesting notations on writer's block? I can't hide my feelings anymore, I'm insanely infatuated...err, I mean in love...with Will Zone. I want to stalk him incessantly, I want to call him and breathe heavily into the phone when he picks up, and I don't have time in my life to be narrowly escaping restraining orders from two simultaneous guys.
You deserve someone who appreciates all of your special qualities, especially the cute way you talked about physics at intimate moments. Even though we're no longer together, we'll always have our memories. I'll never forget the time you played footsie with my mother at Thanksgiving.
They say that time heals all wounds, and I hope that soon you'll realize that my energy will probably best be spend stalking...crap, LOVING...Will Zone, and after you stare dreamily at the photos I've included at the bottom of this post, I feel you too will want to sit on a tree outside Will Zone's window, although you can't, 'cause he's mine.
I hope one day you will heal from this terrible heartbreak I've brought upon you, but look at the bright side: there are plenty of other sexy UberGirl's who'll love to pick up the slack where I've left off. Just always remember that it's you, not me. I hope we can still be friends.
Gotta run,
Phoenix
made with a little help from: http://alumni.imsa.edu/~amyyan/php/dump.html
More butt-shaped hearts for the new object of my affection.....
User Reviews
Submitted by WillZone (user info) at 2004-06-04 15:09:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
To dream of being able to have Volk near me is good enough.
Submitted by Kristen (user info) at 2004-03-28 01:44:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
And really, Whiz, don't be too thrilled...she's *really* mine. I was just out of commission for a week.
Ok, we can share.
Submitted by Kristen (user info) at 2004-03-28 01:44:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
YAY for butthearts!
Submitted by chipolatte (user info) at 2004-03-23 00:06:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I really can't +2 anything written from a generator.
Submitted by MIll8178 (user info) at 2004-03-22 23:26:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm out in Cold Springs, probably 15 miles north, but close enough.
I was shocked to see another Unber user from Reno too! I figured I must have been the only one here since this page has nothing to do with Rodeo, monster trucks or Copenhagen. I swear, Reno is the biggest little hick town in the world!
Submitted by WiKi (user info) at 2004-03-22 19:21:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Badass.
Sideburns is thinking of leaving Uber? What the hell for?
No offense to anyone else, but.. Sideburns and NavyJester are my favorite posters. They gotta stay, Maw! They just gotta!
+2 for tryna get him to keep on keepin on :)
Submitted by volklcess (user info) at 2004-03-22 17:51:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh my God I had no idea there was someone else from Reno on Uber! What part of Reno do you live in? I feel, well, not alone anymore....there are people from Uber who live close to me!
-phoenix
Submitted by MIll8178 (user info) at 2004-03-22 17:22:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Well Phoenix, since we both live in the wonderful shithole that is Reno, can you and I at least have a little thing on the side? Strictly physical of course, just someone to hold on to when Will Zone is out touring the comedy circuit and you're lonely!
Submitted by beer-turtle (user info) at 2004-03-22 17:16:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
First Kristen abandons my heart...then Urbane...now Erika... I am losing all my uber-wimmins...
How am I sposed to be the Uber-pimp with no stable...
Damnit.
-Turtle
Submitted by Herpes (user info) at 2004-03-22 17:04:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Gascs I fucking hate you, you piece of dog shit!
Submitted by gascs (user info) at 2004-03-22 16:41:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Man, I get no lovers, no haters. I need to do something really great to generate a fan club, or something really awful to generate a few hate posts.
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-03-22 16:27:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I know... he asked me to do it though.
Submitted by volklcess (user info) at 2004-03-22 16:23:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Poly - I'm trying to get Sideburns to stay on Uber.
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-03-22 16:11:59 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Sideburns would have wanted it this way.
Submitted by Mr-Boo (user info) at 2004-03-22 16:01:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Damn you WillZone...
<Plotting Revenge>
Submitted by WillZone (user info) at 2004-03-22 15:30:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
DAMN PIPPY!!!!!
If i didn't have the block, then i would write a long post about every inch of Volk.
thanks...very nice.
and eat my dust sideburns.
Will
Submitted by volklcess (user info) at 2004-03-22 15:28:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
But Steve, everyone knows that your heart belongs to Kristen.
:-)
phoenix
Submitted by Zod (user info) at 2004-03-22 15:26:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I talk to you online everyday...and still no love for Zod. I'm cut, Erika. I'm cut deep.
Submitted by FATMANTPK (user info) at 2004-03-22 15:18:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Poor Sideburns
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2004-03-22 15:17:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
How could you!? You said I was the only one!!!
*runs away sobbing*
Submitted by Phinch (user info) at 2004-03-22 15:16:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
smile
Submitted by sublime (user info) at 2004-03-22 15:12:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
left hand, i am leaving you, for right hand, i am sorry.
Submitted by smokymtcsw (user info) at 2004-03-22 15:02:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment