Guinea Pigs Are Courageous –or—Child Molestation Shouldn’t Be A Crime.... (541 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.7 on 12 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by DyerBm (View user info) at 2004-03-23 10:19:00 EST
My father is a smart man. Growing up, he always had some kind of lesson for my brothers and I to learn. He was as much a teacher as he is a father. Many of the things he taught me I use almost every day. One of the less insightful but still important lessons will be the topic of the post today. I know that it probably isn't going to be new or revolutionary idea for some of the users, but for some, it might just be.
*The Theory of The Guinea Pig*
Anyone who has traveled long distances by car(which I do often as to escape the hell-hole of nothingness that my town is), can probably share the feeling that 60-70 mph is just too damn slow for the highway.
Most peoples remedy for the problem is either speeding and watching out for the cops, or buying a radar and hoping that the shit beeps before it's too late. This is where my fathers *Theory of The Guinea Pig* is a cure all. The idea is based on the assumption that the cop isn't going to pull over multiple speeders at the same time, for the simple fact that it would be impossible.
9 times out of 10, while on the highway you've been passed at least once but maybe several times by someone going 15-25 mph over the speed limit. There's always one person who thinks that they will never get caught or maybe their just stupid. In a sense, I'm calling myself a stupid bitch right now seeing as I'm writing a post on how to not get caught while speeding. Anyhow...
The key to the guinea pig method is to catch up to this person and match their speed but trail them by 2-4 car lengths. Driving this way cancels any risk. It's the best radar you could ever use because you'll (a) always know of a cop ahead of time based off the lead drivers reactions, and (b) if anyone is going to get caught and ticketed, it will most assuredly be the lead man. At least in theory.
I have driven this way since I got my license at age 16, and I have yet to be pulled over for speeding. (I would knock on wood right now but that won't change the fact that the lead driver is the only person ever to get a ticket, and I'm never the lead driver). Although, I have seen 3 of my guinea pig leaders take one for the team. I believe teamwork is the power behind this method and it will also be what pushes the theory to the next level.
There tend to be small groups that travel by this method. 2-4 cars usually. 2 being common and 4 a rarity. I not only propose that you start using this method for you own good, but I humbly request your partnership in what I believe will be a mass of unstoppable citizen speeding power.
Next time you see a courageous guinea pig leader sacrificing themselves for the greater good, show your respect, take advantage of that gift and join forces. We all win this way. Well...everyone but the leader. But that's only if there are cops involved.
I can already see the scenario...
A cop is sitting in his car, right at a u-turn or cleverly hidden amongst the foliage on the side of the road, awaiting his next victim. Did I say victim, I meant opportunity to serve the public by stopping yet another heinous criminal right in his/her speeding tracks. The cops passing the time by mentally debating life's most important issues...
*Cops Mind* child molestation shouldn't be a crime unless the kid isn't happy while engaged. I mean, if the kid seems to enjoy it...
*Cops Mind* ...he seemed to enjoy it...
*Cops Mind* ...but it's so..messy though...
Right as he's thinking this, three lanes filled with 20, no 30, no 60 cars driving 95 mph in a 55 zone cruise by him like a title wave in all of it's glory, knowing there isn't shit this insignificant cop can do.
I call this new and expanded method: *The Theory of The Snowball Effect Guided By A Fearless Guinea Pig*. Individually we are nothing when compared to the wonders we can achieve together. Lets unite, and give these lazy, non-crime fighting bastards a run for their money.
*End Note* I love cops. They make me feel happy inside my pants, and no, I wasn't the boy the cop was pondering in his mind. I respect their job and what they do, so don't get shit twisted. Also, if you find yourself in the far left lane on a three lane highway, and you're being passed on the right, take a bow for you are an asshole. The fucking left lane is for passing and speeding muther fucker! It's not a luxury lane designed for your middle aged pussy ass.
User Reviews
Submitted by K.M (user info) at 2004-03-28 00:12:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by homeboy (user info) at 2004-03-24 08:04:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
thats all i wanted to hear. was you say those oh so sweat words."i am a pussy" i also salute you as a former guinea pig captain.
Submitted by Jukemonkey1 (user info) at 2004-03-23 15:05:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Homeboy you fucking pussy. I don't think your dumb, how could I, you're my favorite little bitch. Like I said in the previous replies, I used to be the guinea pig fucking captain. That was until of course I was forced to resign due to lack of money to pay the well deserved tickets the true crime fighting police officers gifted me with, and because I'm a pussy and didn't want to risk another ticket. On the other hand, you're doing a great service for your countrymen by leading the way. Without people like you and some of the others in the replies, we would have no guaranteed safe travel. I salute you muther fucker!
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2004-03-23 15:01:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I find it best to be in the middle of these little packs. If you're last, you run the risk of being the first one he finds.
Check this out: http://papersplease.org/hiibel/
This guy was arrested for refusing to give a cop his name. The case is before the Supreme Court right now. When I was a kid, I got to witness my dad and a cop get into it over this exchange:
"Where ya headed?"
"That is really none of your business officer."
Good times
Submitted by homeboy (user info) at 2004-03-23 14:49:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i am one of the rare guinea pigs also.i guess that makes me stupid though for not thinking i will get caught. is that what you are saying, you bastard. well i agree.
Submitted by Deisangua (user info) at 2004-03-23 13:01:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
We call those guys "rabbits." I've never been caught while following one either.
Submitted by Fleadh (user info) at 2004-03-23 12:24:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Damn straight!!!
Submitted by dyerbm (user info) at 2004-03-23 11:05:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Manfre and smokymtcsw, I salute you. It's balls like yours that make this terrific method work. I used to lead before I was repeatedly ass-raped by the man for speeding. I was forced out of my position in the front and pushed to the back. Now I'm counting on you people to lead the masses in our revolution.
Submitted by smokymtcsw (user info) at 2004-03-23 10:53:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I drive as the lead car with the radar.
Submitted by Manfre (user info) at 2004-03-23 10:41:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I hate assholes that go slow in the left lane.
Im usually the guinea pig unfortunately.
Submitted by dyerbm (user info) at 2004-03-23 10:39:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Then you my friend, are awesome!
Submitted by TarikJax (user info) at 2004-03-23 10:26:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I drive this way