PB minus the Jay (646 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 0.92 on 14 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Staci Nicole <cmpkllurslf.at.hotmail.com> (View user info) at 2004-03-24 22:48:55 EST
"This is going to be so great."
We all choked down drunken giggles and hushed whisper-yells. At the time I had an 8oz plastic cup half empty (fuck you optomists) with raspberry smirnoff in one hand and one of those strobe spinner light things you can program to say anything you want when you spin it around super fast. I bought it at Universal Studios during their cheap family style mardi gras rendition and had been a victimized when in a drunken haze I hadn't noticed one of the guys reprograming the phrase. I hadn't changed the message, so "BOOBS FOR BEADS" was still proudly displayed on my message spinner-er. Anyway, we heard her car pull up in the drive. After elastic party hat straps had been snapped, The dog (Midnight, a black lab/retriever who could sling ultimate frisbee with the best) had been quietted, vicious giggling fits and pre-suprise positions had been taken, we quietly awaited for our unsuspecting friend to saunter down the stairs to the basement. Little did we know, we were in for more than we had bargained for...
Rewind: Three hours prior.
"Hey guys, today is Flo's birthday." -All chime, "Ooooh, yeah."
So we get right down to buisness. Flo's at work and we're all incredibly greatful for another excuse to party on this rockin' Thursday night. Trevor (Flo's roomie) decides that we should set up the suprise in the basement. Big screen TV, surround sound, pool table, phoose ball, and an old simpsons pinball machine. I remember when we aquired the furniture, hah. One of those old dollar movie theatres had gone out of buisness, and all of the movie chairs had been set outside to be hauled off to a dump somewhere. But luckily, me, Flo, and some of the guys saved two whole rows of high backed, slightly reclining, arm rest movie theatre seats for the pad.
So we'd had everything pretty much ready, had the blenderfired up, the keg in the corner, streamers, happy birthday banner, candles, cake, the works. This took all of two hours, great timing I'd say considering the substance induced state that most of us had been graced with. Anyway, we'd all started drinking while waiting for the birthday girl to get home, and finally we hear the car in the drive.
Fastforward: "Shhh! Midnight!" Outside the car pulls up, some rediculous Sarah Mclachlan shit playing on the car stero. I almost disowned her as a friend right there, but the best has yet to come... We hear the cardoor slam, and are hopelessly hacking down smothered laughes and what not. You know the feeling of sneeking up on someone who's asleep to play tricks with tuberware and warm water? How you just can't help but crack into not-so-silent laughter? Yeah... So the front door is unlocked and Flo's inside. We listen, the group of us, about eleven or twelve people, and we hear the food pantry door being opened.
"Midnight?! C'mere boy!" So Flo's feeding the dog, she's got to check the basement for the 'ol rascal since he's not to be found in the upper floor of the house. We hear Flo walking, footsteps growing ever-so loud at the top of the steps. "Midnight?" Another call for the pooch who is now barking uncontrolably. "How'd you get in the ba-"
The door is opened and there's a sillouette of Flo on the top of the stairs. I'm thinking to myself, self... since when does Flo wear such tight fitting clothing to work? And then Mike flips on the lights, disco ballin' it in milti colors. "SU-FUCKIN'-PRI...... What the fuck?!??!"
That's right. What
in the
Fuck?
You guessed it, Flo is standing at the top of the stairs, stark nekkid with peanutbutter butter smeared on her crotch. AHHH! OOOHHH! NOOOOOO! We all fix our horrified stare on Midnight. Flo has already taken flight, no doubt humiliated, and has locked herself in her room. The rest of us stand there for a moment. Dumbfounded. An akward silence has fallen across the basement save for the chromatic tune repeating on the pinball machine. Without a word, the keg is loaded into the truck, another bowl is packed, and we're ready to get the fuck outta this pizza joint. As the door is closing behing us, I yell,
"We're going to the beach Flo. And we're takin' the dog with us."
Flo moved out the next week and has failed to keep in touch for the past two and one half years. Unfortunately, I got stuck with Midnight, and I still laugh my ass off every time Midnight licks my little brother's face.
User Reviews
Submitted by gascs (user info) at 2004-03-25 12:00:19 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
blah, blah, blah
Old, tired, boring, predictable, reused, misspelled, and plagiarized.
Come back when you get out of the 8th grade.
Submitted by Quartermain (user info) at 2004-03-25 11:49:21 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
This is an old urban legend, and it wasn't that well told either.
Submitted by BleedTheSky (user info) at 2004-03-25 08:45:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I used to have a friend (I disowned him) that used to have his dog lick his nuts. Man did it piss me off. This kid wasnt even fucking shameful about it. He just whipped out his unit with people around and had the dog lick his nuts. Man, did it piss me off. I think he eventually got his ass kicked.
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-03-25 07:43:30 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
Ok... I ws going to -2 this... But, this line alone saved it:
"You guessed it, Flo is standing at the top of the stairs, stark nekkid with peanutbutter butter smeared on her crotch."
Submitted by QueenAshlee (user info) at 2004-03-25 00:40:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
That poor dog....
Submitted by Patheticus (user info) at 2004-03-25 00:39:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
One of my friends did this with his dog. But we got pictures of him doing it. He used to be kind of an ass but now he seems to be nice. I wonder why.
Submitted by DavyJones (user info) at 2004-03-25 00:37:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
True or not its a damn good story.
Submitted by danifestmestiny (user info) at 2004-03-25 00:31:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I've heard this story before.
Submitted by chipolatte (user info) at 2004-03-25 00:24:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
haha grand
Submitted by someone (user info) at 2004-03-25 00:19:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
awesome
Submitted by drink_DDT (user info) at 2004-03-24 23:56:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Thats grand.
Submitted by stacenbass (user info) at 2004-03-24 23:13:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
True story, cross my heart.
Submitted by Beer_bong (user info) at 2004-03-24 23:08:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I doubt it really happend.
Either way it was entertaining.
Submitted by DraconianKing (user info) at 2004-03-24 23:05:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm disgusted, yet semi-hard from thinking about it. I'm sick.