Sometimes I wander... (485 hits)
Category: UberMadness! EntryRating: -2 on 1 review (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Al <revenge_of_the_killer_dustbin.at.hotmail.com> (View user info) at 2004-03-25 15:41:31 EST
This post was an official UberMadness! entry. Click here to view the original matchup.
It was cold. It was wet. It was my armpit.
'Fuck', I muttered to myself, 'Had it been that long since I've showered?'
'Yes', one of the immigrants in my armpit replied.
Bemused to say the least, I turned to the mirror for further examination. To my surprise, quite a bustling city had formed in my nether pits. It appeared that the mould attracted lice, which attracted monkeys, which evolved into Rambo and Chesty, the founding denizens of my armpit. Or at least that was what i had gathered from the library they had built.
But I digress, what was important was that I now had at least seven thousand types of insect living in my pits. I had to wash. Did i dare tread into my bathroom? I hadn't been there since it had swallowed up my parents, centuries ago. Well, sometimes I wander by the door, in the hopes of finding my dignity, my dog, or even the plumber. Yet never had I dared tread it's dark depths for longer than a second, in case I awoke the Cthulu-esque horror that lurked in the vales and fjords of my bathroom.
'Oi! Fatty! Are you going to wash or what!' Rambo yelled at me through a megaphone made entirely from hair and an ordinary household cardboard tube.
'Yeah', agreed Chesty,'I've heard good things about the British sewer system'
'Look buddies, I'm working on it...but have you seen my bathroom? There's no way i'm going in there'
'Yeah, yeah' Rambo yawned 'I've heard it all before'
'Hey! I don't even charge you fuckers rent...and ARE YOU SMOKING WITH MY ARMPIT HAIR?'
'No.' Lied Rambo through his teeth.
'That's it...I'm going in.'
Kicking open the door, i stared a sock right in what appeared to be it's face. It had mutated to about 100 times it's size, and it let loose a hideous ululation, before charging straight at me.
'Rambo' I cried in terror and desperation, 'Your armpit hair cigar!'
The cigar flew into the creature, turning my sausage-like assailant into that something that resembled a slug that had been stepped on.
'Well', I grinned, 'That was easy'
The lights went out.
'Bugger'
I felt a tentacle wrap around my leg. I kicked violently, but the thing barely reacted. The toilet lid swung open, wider than a hooker's legs on national fuck-for-a-fiver-Friday. There was a glint of gold, and I heard it's voice.
'So...I finally meet my nemesis.' Its voice was deep and mournful.
'Who...who are you?' I cried out, into the darkness.
No answer was the stern reply.
I ran, and ran. I tripped on what appeared to be some bizarre hybrid of urine, and puke. It crawled up my leg, and began to nibble on my thigh. Had it been anything other than my most disturbing fluids, i would have welcomed it...but instead, I tore it away. The tentacles had taken the time to block the door...killing the light. The melancholy groan of my nemesis returned, loader than before.
'Don't you remember...you senselessly flushed me long ago.'
'Timmy...is that you?'
'Indeed', my mutated goldfish replied, 'Why? I thought you loved me...'
'You were dead'
'I was sleeping'
'You were floating on your back'
'I wanted a tan!'
'Ugh. Now i suppose you're going to kill me'
'Well...that was the plan'
'Fine. You know what, just sodding end it. Right before Black Sabbath do a reunion gig in my armpit I sodding die. Ack. Piss off.'
Wrapping me in its tentacles, Timmy roared as it exposed its thousand blackened teeth, which hung like gangrenous phalluses from a massive cavity somewhere in the heaving mass of bulging gold. I stared infinity in the face, and i realized. Sometimes, I wander too far.
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Submitted by KoolWang (user info) at 2004-05-29 07:23:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
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