It Lives Beneath (393 hits)
Category: UberMadness! Entryno reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Andras (View user info) at 2004-03-26 00:20:30 EST
This post was an official UberMadness! entry. Click here to view the original matchup.
well, here it is. hope you like it.
-----------------------------------------
It all started on a very bright Sunday morning. Not the kind of morning that you would expect something like this to happen.
I was just happily listening to Dismember on my stereo and smoking a cigarette, just relaxing and stuff, and then all of a sudden a weird puff of pink smoke appeared out of nowhere, a smell of grease filling the air, and there it was.
Buddha, eating out of a bucket of the greasiest chicken I have ever seen, looking exactly the way it is depicted everywhere, except for one thing: there was no way of telling if it was a man or a woman, none whatsoever.
So anyways, I tell it- "I always thought you would pop out of a pink cloudy mass".
-"shut up you mortal fool!"- was its response.
-"holy shit, aren't you supposed to be jolly and kind?"
-"Ja! That is just a petty mistake humans make, thinking all obese people are jolly and good. I have come here to get what was promised to me".
-"What the hell are you talking about?"
Just as he was about to answer, my father busted through the door, looking extremely exhausted, as if he had been running.
"son!"- he said-"there's something I have to te"- he looked at Buddha-"Oh fuck...".
"You are late human, now his testicles are mine!"-screamed Buddha.
"WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU JUST SAY?"
-"Your gonads were promised to me by your father exactly 2 years ago, on the condition that I helped him financially".
-"dad! Is that true?"- I said in disbelief.
-"well... You know... we had to finish building the house... and... well, this was the
only way to finish... and, you know, having to choose between a roof to
sleep under and the testicles of my son... you know... I was not really thinking at the
moment..."
-"why in fuck's name would you want my gonads anyway tub-o-lard?"- I asked Buddha.
-" let me put it this way"- it said-"you remember the matrix?".
-"what does THAT have to do with my fucking balls?"-was all I could come up with after this strange answer.
"Remember how they used humans as batteries of a sort? You see, the testicles of a man
are the real source of power for the whole body, they provide energy for it, and that is
why you can't react when somebody kicks you down under. So, by gathering enough
nads I could make up an energy ball so huge, that I could destroy god and take over the universe! MUAHAHAHAHAH!".
at this point I was pretty confused about everything and I was just able to react in one way: I punched the fucker in the face and ran like a goddamn bitch, thinking that there was no way this fattyfatfat could catch up with me.
Unfortunately it proved faster than I had expected, and caught up with me in no time, and just as I was about faint from the effort of running, a bright flash of light filled my vision.
It was Jesus.
With a single motion of his hands, he lifted Buddha up in the air and just let him hover above me.
"what are you doing?"- Jesus asked.
"ehhhh... I was going to... buy some haemorrhoid cream, and I got kinda lost... and".
"stop your lying!" jesus belted-" I know what you were doing, and you were warned by my old man to stop it weren't you?".
"Well... perha-" ZAP! A bolt of lighting, which left a really nice lavender odour in the air afterwards I might add, issued from Jesus' fingertips and stopped Buddha short.
"I said stop lying! You were warned, and now you shall be punished"- Jesus said, anger filling his eyes- "and since you seem to be so obsessed with nutsacks and their contents, you shall live under one!".
"would that be under my nutsack?" I asked shyly.
"Since there are not any other available ones right now, yes".
"Is there anything I can do about it?"
"no"
"damn"
So Jesus shrunk Buddha... and, well you can imagine the rest.
And so, from that day on, he... I mean she, I mean, it, lives... Well..., beneath.
And as bad as it is, at least most people cant say " I'm gonna scratch my Buddha".
END
User Reviews
No reviews