3 Days of the Dirty Sanchez: A Tale of Shame and Redemption (4667 hits)
Category: Humor -> Dirty HumorRating: 1.93 on 58 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by SausageKing (View user info) at 2004-03-26 01:31:43 EST
DAY 1
My girlfriend Dirty-Sanchezed me last night. I never thought that something like this could ever happen to me but it did, and the man I was yesterday is now lost forever. Last night is like a nightmare, a hazy recollection of blurry, fitful dreams forgotten; but the evidence is there - unmistakable, staring back at me in the mirror as I brush my teeth before work. A brown crusty streak of my own shit is smeared as a foul parody of a mustache above my mouth. The thoughts of coffee and Juan Valdez perversely fire through my brain as a rictus grin of pure anguish splits my face. I finger the smeared shit incredulously. Shame and humiliation flood me as I clean the smelly badge of dishonor from under my nose with a damp wash towel.
It wasn't meant to end this way. Not like this.
I finish scrubbing and my face is now clean, but the taint in my soul can never be scrubbed away. My innocence has been torn from me like a root from the ground. I am dirty.
I am Dirty Sanchezed.
As I leave my house for work I suddenly collapse to my knees on the lawn, overwhelmed. All I can do is shake my fist to the heavens and let out a choked howl of disgust and self-loathing: Why? WHY?!! There is no answer. The heavens are silent. I lay down in the grass and begin to sob. My body is racked with shuddering cries. I scream out in madness: Dirty Sanchez! DIRTY-SANCHEZ!!!
After an eternity, some of the shame is washed away by my tears. Rage trickles in to the void. It is a weak, diluted kind of rage but it feels good. It feels right. I savour the rage and hold on to it with everything I have. I collect it drop by drop in a little reservoir at the bottom of myself. It is the only thing keeping me sane at this point. I slowly pull myself off the lawn, get in my car and drive to work.
It is the darkest day of my life.
DAY 2
Work passes by in a thick stupor.
When I go to bed that night my mind is a strung out crack-hamster in a running wheel. I can't sleep. I toss and turn. I dissect the events of previous night over and over again like a frog pickled with formaldehyde. At two in the morning I come to realize there are three parties to blame for this outrage:
1. MY GIRLFRIEND: the perpetuator of the atrocity. She has always been wild in bed and this is one of the big things that has kept me in love with her over the years. Just when we start to get into a grooved routine, she'll do something crazy like blow me during a wedding or on the subway. But this, a Dirty Sanchez! She has gone light years too far. This will not, cannot stand.
But I do know the fault is not entirely her own...
2. MYSELF. I will accept some blame for this. It was I who introduced to her the concept of the Dirty Sanchez. I thought I was being funny and clever, telling her about these horrible sexual acts that I found on a web page on the Internet. Sexual acts that no human has actually ever done, they were just made up things to gross people out.
She squealed in disgust and delight me when I told her of these perversions. How could I know she was filing them away behind her pretty eyes, plotting to one day actually commit one of them against me?
Never did I imagine someone could or would actually do these things in real life. How horribly wrong I was...
3. THE INTERNET: There are untold horrors lurking on the Internet. Anyone who has ever been tricked into visiting goatse or tubgirl can attest to this. The Internet is who I consider the greatest villain in this sordid affair. Never would I have been creative or depraved enough to think of such an act as the Dirty Sanchez by myself. The Internet has in turn has corrupted my girlfriend. Damn you Internet. Damn you to hell.
After this realization I finally cry myself to sleep.
DAY 3
Some time during my troubled dreams the answer comes to me. The internet, the tool of my damnation can also be also be the tool of my salvation.
I go to work that day with the shit-eating grin of someone plotting the comeuppance from hell. During my lunch break I do some googling and I come up with the answer; it is a guiding light out of the valley of shame. It is so simple and yet so compelling. Just the thought of it makes my heart leap in my chest and makes me rub by hands with devilish glee. Oh she will get hers alright!
I practically skip out of work to start phase one of my plot.
I get home and grab my shaver and shave off a goodly amount of pubic hair from my crotch. It's getting a bit bushy down there so it's probably about time for a pruning anyway. I hide the handful of pubes behind a book on the headboard of my bed. Phase one of operation comeuppance is complete.
A cackle to myself as I hear the knock on my door. It's my girlfriend over for movie night.
After we get home from the theatre we pop a bottle of wine on the couch to catch Leno before going to bed. No mention of the Dirty Sanchez is made during the night. Phase two of my plan begins when we flip off the TV and go to my room and start having sex. I'm having a bit of a hard time concentrating on the matter at hand at first, because my possible redemption or continued purgatory will be decided in about half an hour or so, but soon I am getting into the swing of things.
After a half an hour or so of satisfying if conventional sex, I feel that I am getting close to erupting. Now comes the trickiest part of the plan. For the first time in my life I fake an orgasm. I gyrate around and groan a bit then lay still, panting. After a few moments I open a squinted eye to look at my girlfriend's reaction to my performance. I can tell she's buying it!
It's now crunch time. I quickly pull out and straddle my girlfriend and hold her arms to the side of her body with my legs. Then I furiously flog my sausage to finish myself off. While my spunk sprays out over her chin and cheeks I reach behind the book on my headboard and grab the stash of shaved pubic hair. She opens her eyes at this point and I can see the dawning comprehension of approaching doom in her eyes. She begins to struggle but its too late.
I spread the love snot around her face with one hand, then liberally sprinkle the pubic hair over the makeshift glue with the other hand. It makes a gruesome, glorious beard on her face.
It is over. The shame leaves me and I a free. As much as I will suffer for this later, nothing can ruin this moment.
"Abe Lincoln!" I yell to her, "IT'S A GODDAM ABE LINCOLN!!" I get up off her and dance around the room in a naked jig of victory. I taunt her a little more, "In your face! How do you like them apples?"
Oh thank you internet, you perverted web of dreams, thank you so very much! Redemption has never felt so good.
User Reviews
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2007-02-27 15:08:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"I go to work that day with the shit-eating grin"
Heh.
Submitted by Creepy_guy (user info) at 2007-02-27 14:40:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by the_lone_stranger (user info) at 2004-08-04 12:00:27 (#)
Ranking: 2
Did she give you the Ejaculation Proclamation?
______________________________
Hahahahahahahaha
Submitted by Comfortably_Numb (user info) at 2007-02-27 14:13:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is one of my all time favorite posts.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-03-31 10:14:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by 1Point21Gigawatts (user info) at 2004-08-04 12:18:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by the_lone_stranger (user info) at 2004-08-04 12:00:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Did she give you the Ejaculation Proclamation?
Submitted by Envenom (user info) at 2004-08-04 11:32:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Kaelic (user info) at 2004-04-10 18:00:10 (#)
Ranking: 2
How could this not make Boredatwork? I laughed myself into hysteria. This was fucking great.
___________________________________________________________________________________________
My thoughts exactly. I think Bart owes us an explanation. This is still funny as hell. Wonderfully written.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2004-08-04 10:59:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is funnier than shit.
Submitted by Caldur (user info) at 2004-06-11 04:53:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by cheruboo (user info) at 2004-06-05 12:30:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by SausageKing (user info) at 2004-06-04 02:03:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
To all you suckers that enjoyed this tale, here is the sequel: http://www.ubersite.com/m/34939
Submitted by Alfa_Veloce (user info) at 2004-06-03 21:50:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Great tale. Have a biscuit...but don't have sex with it
Submitted by Yams (user info) at 2004-06-03 17:41:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good show, SausageKing! You know, me and a friend are doing a "movie" script, and Sausage is the 'king of perversion'...How coincidental.
Submitted by fryfrug (user info) at 2004-06-03 17:19:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Honest Abe is going to get her revenge. Ha, funny as fuck.
Submitted by reallybored (user info) at 2004-06-03 16:40:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
MAXIMUM OWNAGE!
Submitted by Envenom (user info) at 2004-06-03 15:53:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow, that is seriously fucked up.
"Just when we start to get into a grooved routine, she'll do something crazy like blow me during a wedding"
That is so totally inappropriate I can only laugh.
Submitted by TripinDayZ420 (user info) at 2004-06-03 14:28:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i cannot believe this doesn't have a perfect rating.
this is top two in my best of uber private file. congratulations!
Submitted by runninginplace (user info) at 2004-06-03 14:25:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
fucking awesome
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-06-03 14:06:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
fucking awesome!
HA HA HA HA
Submitted by SacredHeart (user info) at 2004-05-26 18:39:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Not bad. You know that you have to pay for that one though.
Submitted by craptastic (user info) at 2004-05-26 18:18:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That was a beautiful story, the mental picture will be with me always
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-05-25 01:35:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
There should be a +20 button.
Your girlfriend just got owned.
Submitted by Fleet_Marshall_Badass (user info) at 2004-05-25 01:26:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That... was... fucking... AWESOME!!
Badass.
Submitted by faggot <nice.at.one.com> at 2004-04-30 04:10:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Damn that shitty lip is one sweet piece of ass
nice work sanchez
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-04-30 03:57:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My Goodness!
Submitted by bargled (user info) at 2004-04-18 00:08:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
dude this was awesome!
Submitted by bob (user info) at 2004-04-17 23:56:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
haha. how did i miss this?
Submitted by wijormiclat (user info) at 2004-04-17 23:40:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for making me laugh after rereading it a week later.
Submitted by Kaelic (user info) at 2004-04-10 18:00:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
How could this not make Boredatwork? I laughed myself into hysteria. This was fucking great.
Submitted by drstrangedhruv (user info) at 2004-04-10 17:45:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Abe Lincoln! HAHAHAHA! Is this on Boredatwork yet?
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2004-04-10 17:22:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Holy shit. I think you win.
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2004-04-10 17:13:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That made me smile for the first time today.
Does that make me sick?
I hope so.
Submitted by hamilton (user info) at 2004-04-05 17:36:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-04-01 19:01:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by wijormiclat (user info) at 2004-03-26 23:49:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is one of the funniest things I've read on here.
Submitted by Melany (user info) at 2004-03-26 21:28:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahaha, the things I read!
Submitted by Quartermain (user info) at 2004-03-26 21:08:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This post made me have to freshen my Snapple. (No, its not you think. Perverts.)
Submitted by legallady (user info) at 2004-03-26 17:05:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Very funny. I think you are a guy who works with me. He has the same fucking sense of humor and no matter how hard I try NOT to laugh...I do.
Submitted by K.M (user info) at 2004-03-26 14:19:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Azriel (user info) at 2004-03-26 14:07:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh how nice... OH how perfect... sweet sweet revenge!
Submitted by pimpbuster (user info) at 2004-03-26 13:46:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
After that you better be ready to duck and cover. She's plotting her revenge-revenge right now. You better have yours ready.
Oh, good job "sticking it" to her!
Submitted by fell-8-me (user info) at 2004-03-26 12:25:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Olé!
Submitted by MadScientist (user info) at 2004-03-26 12:24:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by MadScientist (user info) at 2004-03-26 12:24:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
A GODDAMN ABE LINCOLN!
BRILLIANT! You fucking rule.
Submitted by deano (user info) at 2004-03-26 12:07:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm a big fan of the "double Bass" which involves standing behind her with your manhood firmly planted up her ass, while simultaneously massaging right nipple with right hand and her buffalo gums with your left - in the style of a double bass player, no less.
Fantastic. BIG +2
Submitted by riahgorf_1 <fr0g_D(a)yahoo.com> at 2004-03-26 11:59:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
very niiiiiiiiice!!!!
had me rolling!
peace
fr0g
Submitted by Yes (user info) at 2004-03-26 11:43:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HOLY. MOTHER. OF. GOD.
pwnage.
Submitted by lawryde (user info) at 2004-03-26 10:56:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
OH, man that was the funniest fucking thing I've read in a long time BRAVO!
Submitted by Herpes (user info) at 2004-03-26 08:32:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You should have busted a fat combo on her ass, and gave her a Cleveland Steamer at the same time.
Submitted by WillZone (user info) at 2004-03-26 08:27:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You pulled off the Abe Lincoln?
Bravo!
Will
Submitted by FATMANTPK (user info) at 2004-03-26 08:24:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome
Submitted by Zoidberg (user info) at 2004-03-26 05:36:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Im partial to the angry pirate myself
Submitted by hairycoo (user info) at 2004-03-26 05:02:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by slyphter (user info) at 2004-03-26 04:28:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
laughed my ass off
Submitted by spirochete (user info) at 2004-03-26 04:19:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
while fucking her from behind whisper into her ear that she is the
filthiest pig you have ever fucked while grabbing her tight around
the belly with one arm.
Raise your other arm skyward and see how long it takes her to
throw you.
technique-Bucking Bronco
Submitted by Falco (user info) at 2004-03-26 03:39:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Best Story i've read in a few days. POST MORE ABOUT THIS STUFF.
Submitted by mr.coffee (user info) at 2004-03-26 03:38:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I've been studying genetics for the past 7 hours. I can now goto sleep fully satisfied. Thank you. Thank you dearly.
Submitted by DavyJones (user info) at 2004-03-26 03:27:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow...
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2004-03-26 02:10:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2004-03-26 01:59:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That scares me oh so much....
There was a guy at my school nick named Sanchez.... Disturbing...
Submitted by moebius (user info) at 2004-03-26 01:42:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Please, Dear Lord, tell me this is true.
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2004-03-26 01:42:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Abe lincoln, haven't heard of that one.
Submitted by Lexantur (user info) at 2004-03-26 01:40:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
fucking hilarious