Screw the pyramid (468 hits)
Category: UberMadness! Entryno reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Trout (View user info) at 2004-03-26 06:22:00 EST
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Friday 10th March
"....and that concludes our set of lectures on the influences of war on literature" said Professor MacKenzie, English Literature lecturer and head of the English faculty.
"One other thing, in a weeks time we have some Professors visiting from overseas.
They will be giving talks on their specialisations throughout the coming week. Attendance for these are optional, but I hope as many of you as possible will turn up."
At this point about half the class got up and left.
MacKenzie gave them a disapproving look and continued.
"Professor Howard from Boston University will be giving a lecture on the use of battlefield imagery in American Civil War era prose. Professor Blanc from la Sorbonne in Paris will be discussing the spectre of death in French Revolution era poetry and finally, Professor Vogts from the University of Berlin will be discussing the use of propaganda in German newspapers 1935-1945. These will take place Monday, Wednesday and Friday next week with an informal cheese and wine party after Fridays lecture. Further information about all of this will be posted on the noticeboard outside my office."
As the class started to trickle out Professor MacKenzie shouted back three of the class.
"Messrs Brown, O'Neil and Bryson; a word?"
The three friends stopped, gave each other a pained look and turned to face the Professor.
"Boys. I was wondering if you three would like to assist me in setting up the cheese and wine night after Fridays lecture? The secretary has refused to help out as it's 'her weekend', but I'm sure three upstanding students as yourself care not for weekends"
"What do we need to do sir?" said Bret. Resignation heavy in his voice. He knew that MacKenzie was not a professor to fuck with. He was the hardest marker in the faculty and being head of the faculty and having tenure seemed to galvanised his mean streak with invulnerability. You don't want on his bad side or your marks would be heading south no matter the quality of your work.
"Well Bret. Yourself, Mister O'Neil and Mister Brown will receive monies from myself on Friday morning. You will then repair to the relevant shops and fetch back cheese and wine, which you will arrange beautifully in the English post-graduate common room."
Patrick O'Neil spotted what was probably the only piece of salvation contained in their task.
"Sir, does that mean we can't make Friday's lecture?"
"Yes Mister O'Neil, that is indeed the case. Now I trust I shall see the three of you Friday morning?"
"Of course sir" the three boys chorused in unison.
_________
Friday 17th March
The three boys were sitting in the university bar drinking coffee. Professor Mackenzies money laid out in front of them on the table.
Henry Brown spoke first.
"Ok boys. It's saint paddy's day. We are sober yet are in charge of..........how much money?"
Bret quickly counted the cash in front of them
"He's given us $230. He said he wanted 20 bottles of wine and to use our judgement on the cheese. How much is wine?"
"Depends. If you want ok-ish wine then maybe ten bucks a bottle, but you can get quaffable wines for half that, easy. I have no fucking idea how much cheese costs. Does he think we're from Minnesota for fucks sake. I'm Irish, and may I remind you sober on saint paddy's day. The fucking saint I'm named after. Henry's on a fucking scholarship from Oxford and you're from San Fran. Fuck cheese, in fact fuck this whole thing. We're going to take some of that money right now up to the barman and order us some Guinness, that'll make us think better"
With that Patrick grabbed a couple of twenties and went to the bar.
Many pints later the boys were full of Irish cheer. The money severely depleted.
"Fuck, we need to buy cheese and wine. To the campus store" Bret shouted, grabbing the rest of the money.
Patrick didn't seem to enamoured with the idea of shopping when Guinness was available a mere few feet away.
"Ah fuck it, you buy the stuff and we'll meet you in the common room in an hour"
Eventually Patrick and Henry stumbled out the bar and towards the common room.
The sight that greeted them was not quite what they expected.
A long table stood in the middle of the room, but instead of bottles of wine and platters of delicately arranged cheese they saw something quite different.
Bret had bought a couple of crates of Guinness and stacked the individual components into a shop display type pyramid. At the other end of the table stood a pyramid of battenburg cakes. The centre of the table had the wine glasses laid out in a pyramid.
"Jesus fucking H shitting christ Bret. What in the rubbery fuck have you done" Henry seethed, "we're fucked. Why pyramids anyway?"
"Thought it gave it a certain sense of symmetry" Bret replied.
Patrick wandered over to the guineas pyramid and took a can from the bottom.
As the pyramid started to wobble the common room door opened.
"Wonderful lecture Professor Howard" enthused MacKenzie, "I must say I thought that......WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE!"
Whether it was gravity taking its natural course or whether it was the reverberations of Prof. MacKenzies yelling the outcome was the same. The mountain of guineas came crashing down on top of the wine glasses. Cans and smashed glass littered the table.
Thankfully the battenburg monument was intact.
Patrick reacted first and dashed towards Professor Howard from Boston.
"Professor, I thought that we'd put on a little Saint Patrick's day celebration instead of the cheese and wine. Hailing from Boston I thought you'd enjoy it"
Professor Howard was a good sport. He went over to the remains of the Guinness pyramid picked a couple of cans up. He handed one to Patrick.
"To saint Patrick"
Professor MacKenzie was aghast.
"But Professor Howard. These boys are drunk."
"Yes Professor MacKenzie" was Howard's curt reply, "but as a Professor I assume you must have been a student once. No real harm done."
During these exchanges Bret had sidled up to the visiting Professor from Berlin.
"Professor Vogts, some battenburg cake?"
"Ja, that's my favourite cake. Many thanks. I don't care for cheese or the wine anyway."
That left Henry to schmooze the French Professor.
"Professor Blanc, would you care for some Guinness. It's a traditionally Irish drink and today is an Irish holiday, which, due to the high number of Irish descendants and indeed Irish people here on campus we celebrate."
Professor Blanc seemed a little taken aback but gladly accepted.
"I am a leetle confused but I shall try zis Guinness of which you speak if it is part of your customs.............mmmm very nice, tell me more of this Irish holiday please."
Professor MacKenzie looked on at the scene in shock.
As the boys were making the best out of a bad situation and actually entertaining the visiting professors he was building up into an apocalyptic rage.
He had paid these boys good money, well faculty money, to provide a cheese and wine evening. They had failed in their simple task to provide what he had asked for. They had the place in disarray. Glass everywhere and cans of Guinness rolling around. The boys had made a fool of him.
Yet, somehow, the visiting Professors were standing talking to the very boys that had brought shame to his very doorstep.
This was too much. He ran over to the last remaining pyramid and started to push it over.
Bret ran over trying to stop him
"SIR, leave the cake alone. It's the last pyramid standing you can't destroy it"
MacKenzie was nonplussed.
"SCREW THE PYRAMID! I WANTED CHEESE AND FUCKING WINE"
Professor Blanc interjected
"Professor MacKenzie, I think zat maybe you should calm down"
"I am perfectly calm you cheese eating surrender monkey. You know the biggest oxymoron in the English language? The French resistance."
MacKenzie was aware that he had crossed the line, he had let his recism sneak out in front of everybody. The room was very quiet, he looked around.
All eyes were not on Professor MacKenzie. Which considering his recent behaviour surprised him somewhat. He followed everyone's gaze and turned to see what they were looking at.
The Dean cleared his throat then spoke,
"Professor MacKenzie. May I see you in my office regarding your contract of tenure?"
Mackenzie spluttered a reply, "wh wh wh what are you doing here sir?"
"Bret Bryson invited me along. He said they were having a little get together for the visiting Proffesors with Guinness and battenburg cake. As the son of Irish and German immigrants, I couldn't refuse that kind of offer, could I?"
"No sir, I guess you couldn't......"
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