Why I love Squattail (617 hits)
Category: UberMadness! EntryRating: 2 on 1 review (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by <deisangua.at.hotmail.com> (View user info) at 2004-03-26 13:43:19 EST
This post was an official UberMadness! entry. Click here to view the original matchup.
I love Squattail. He has the power.
What power, you ask? Well, I will tell you. But be prepared; my appreciation for Squattail runs deep.
I only ever remember reading one Squattail post: "What Does Squattail Look Like?" It was the first time I had ever noticed him, and I clicked on the User Info link to see what sort of titles and ratings he had under his belt. I saw right away that he would be one of the posters whose name I skipped over whenever I read it on the front page.
Unfortunately, Squattail would not be so easily ignored. He made avoiding his posts as difficult as he possibly could. I began seeing him everywhere, knocking valuable authors from the front page with all the grace and style of a deranged woodpecker beating its face against a tree. He devised alter egos as though constantly trying to remind the world that animals do have cunning. Every post hid the mind-numbing threat of stepping into a steaming pile of Squattail.
It was depressing, but I was not alone in my frustration. Before long, I saw that he had inspired irritated posts from writers that I respected.
I know they wrote out of desperation. They wrote because they were smart and they were capable, and the stench rising from the boiling pit of Squattail's stupidity had offended them so deeply that they could not help themselves. It was sad to witness, but also completely understandable. Squattail had done his work well.
Perhaps too well.
Squattail's constant irreverence towards any subject - even Ubersite itself - eventually reminded me of his nearly limitless value. Even as I mentally recoiled from his presence, I remembered that he serves a function that is essential to appreciating all of the wonderful things in life. That is: I could not be thankful for pleasure if I had never experienced pain.
Without darkness, the light has no meaning. For Ubersite, Squattail is the very darkness of creation's soul. And yet that drives me to seek out the best that Ubersite has to offer. Merely knowing he exists heightens the joy of witnessing actual talent. Faced with such an obvious specimen of loser, everyone is a winner. By being the lowest common denominator of humanity, Squattail assures us that we are higher on the evolutionary chart than we might have been, had fate chosen to be as cruel to us as it was to him. Through his very existence, the rest of humanity is uplifted.
That is his great power: To suck so horribly that the rest of us look brilliant in comparison.
That's why Ubersite can only gain when forced to bathe in the wretched and sickly gleam of Squattail's putrid light. In another world, in another reality, you might only be an average poster. But when faced with what Squattail writes you will see that you are more than good. You are beyond brilliant. You are a bestselling author. You are an artist on par with history's greatest Photoshoppers.
But, no, even that praise is not fitting enough. If your post has ended up next to one of Squattail's, there is truly only one good way to describe you:
You are like unto God.
User Reviews
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-05-10 08:44:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Was this really a title used in the contest?
How fucking weak is this?