Where This Baby Came From: Another Kooky Roommate Adventure (1489 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.84 on 27 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Phoenix <volklcess.at.aol.com> (View user info) at 2004-03-26 13:52:05 EST
When I left for work yesterday morning, something was different. My roommate was not only awake, but the humdrum drone of the drier could be heard eternally spinning with the occasional clank of a coin, and moreover, there was the buzz of the vacuum cleaner. What was wrong with this picture was that my roommate was actually cleaning. I've long expected to see pigs fly much before I ever found my roommate cleaning. And at 7:30 in the morning no less!
He didn't clean the house; he didn't do the dishes or clean up the feathers of the bird that his cat dragged into the house. Just his room. Must've been a big occasion because he even took down the Phoenix Suns blanket he used to cover his window and bought curtains, going so far as to make sure they perfectly matched his bedspread. We wrote off his sudden obsession to make his room spotless as a possible hot date (or at least Joe's equivalent of what a hot date might be...).
Joe's "hot date" was a man roughly in his mid-50s who looked like Joe, walked like Joe, talked like Joe. Joe's parents were in town; I could finally meet the man who spawned such an incompetent human being and ask him if he was proud of the surplus of stupidity he brought upon our country. Did your wife smoke and drink a lot while she was pregnant with Joe? Was he often dropped on his head as a child? Did he frequently walk into glass doors?
When they walked into the house, Joe was well into a heated conversation on his cell phone, so his dad wasted no time in grabbing himself a beer from our refrigerator, kicking off his boots, and propping his stinky ass feet up on our coffee table.
"So what are we watching?" he asked, popping open his beer and finishing it in one swift gulp.
After the spectacle I saw last night I have no doubts in the power of genetics. To a T, down to the way he guzzled his beer and the lax attitude he had toward being formal in a home that is not his, Joe was an exact image of his father. They were, to put it bluntly, both absolute morons.
His father was apparently a drunk, mixing in a little bit of the Keystone Light with some Diet 7-Up. I'm not quite sure if he was trying to be subtle about his drinking or if he actually enjoyed the taste of this, but he got in quite a few drinks in his short stay at our house. He lumbered around the house in the same clumsy, plodding way Joe does, examining every nook and cranny all the while clutching to his beer like a life support.
"Jesus, kids, someone needs to do some cleaning around here." He's looking at me while he says it which leads me to believe he's one of those chauvinistic kinds, but the fact that he even said such a thing is what perturbs me the most. Our house, while not spotlessly clean, was by no means dirty, and regardless of how messy a house is, you don't typically go in as a guest and nitpick everything that's wrong. He scratches his ass, lets out an uninhibited belch, and returns to his spot on the couch, pushing magazines off our coffee table to make room for his feet.
I was fuming, on the brink of a nervous breakdown, so I excused myself to go fold my laundry, *anything* to get away from this perverse display of human behavior. Nothing angers me more than these so-called "adults" who think they deserve respect because they're "elders," and yet fail to be able to even comprehend showing respect to others. I had tried being courteous, I had tried laughing at his sexist comments that weren't funny; I bit my tongue and I tried smiling and nodding; I even tried ignoring him, pretending to be engrossed in some reality TV show I'd never previously watched. Nothing worked. Some people you just can't be polite too, namely those who show no manners in return.
Nonetheless, the question I had often asked myself about what made Joe the way he was, was answered, although now I almost wish I hadn't asked. Curiosity kills the cat...I guess the best answer is that some people just shouldn't breed.
User Reviews
Submitted by 01011010 (user info) at 2004-07-28 12:58:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I hated the picture.
Submitted by Christ (user info) at 2004-07-28 12:49:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Meh
Submitted by WillZone (user info) at 2004-07-23 11:49:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i miss volk...shes sexy. if she was going to ubercon, i'd go.
Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2004-04-06 19:33:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by volklcess (user info) at 2004-03-29 14:05:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
That's too bad that you hate me, Sideburns, 'cause I WUUUUUVVVVV you.
;-)
Phoenix
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2004-03-29 03:39:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"all the while clutching to his beer like a life support."
i still hate you.
Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2004-03-28 02:09:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Erika kicks ass.
Submitted by Kristen (user info) at 2004-03-28 01:43:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment, Hotstuff.
Submitted by youarsoghey (user info) at 2004-03-26 18:58:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Very good. You should have added the part where you hired assassins from Kamchatka to silently slip into the house and kill Joe and his father. Why didn't you tell that part? What are you some sort of lying not-story-telling person?
Submitted by volklcess (user info) at 2004-03-26 16:04:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Razor - No, not yet. I was going to make my boyfriend go with me on Wednesday, but he fell asleep on the couch before the showtime like he'd just worked a 12 hour day or something...oh, wait. I'm going to see it on Saturday, which is still too far away. The suspense is killing me; I can't wait to see this movie.
:-)
Phoenix
Submitted by Phinch (user info) at 2004-03-26 15:58:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
So sorry pheonix.
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2004-03-26 15:53:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Did you see eternal sunshine phoenix?
Submitted by volklcess (user info) at 2004-03-26 15:46:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
slowlyrotting - You are more than welcome to "adopt" my roommate if you'd like. I'll even give you the garage-full of accessories he comes with and everything in his bedroom.
:-)
Phoenix
Submitted by freebie (user info) at 2004-03-26 15:13:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I like taht picture. And the post
Submitted by Coffeeisgood (user info) at 2004-03-26 15:07:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It's true. Some people should NOT breed.
Submitted by Mr-Boo (user info) at 2004-03-26 14:51:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ah, yes. I don't have to envision Phoenix naked, I have a blow up picture on my office window.
:)
Submitted by slowlyrotting (user info) at 2004-03-26 14:50:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I still gotta give it to your roomate... I never clean when one of my parents comes over. Sounds more and more like a winner every time! hehe ;-)
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2004-03-26 14:38:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
shitty roomies....i can relate
Submitted by reallybored (user info) at 2004-03-26 14:30:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
lookING
Jesus christ im retarded today!
Submitted by reallybored (user info) at 2004-03-26 14:30:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm glad a mental naked image of me deserves a +2, RB.
----------------------------------------------------------
Even though the jury is still out on this issue, i gave you the benefit of the doubt and envisioned large boobies.
Heres look at you kid. 8)
Submitted by volklcess (user info) at 2004-03-26 14:25:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm glad a mental naked image of me deserves a +2, RB.
:-)
Phoenix
Submitted by reallybored (user info) at 2004-03-26 14:24:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Halfway throught this i blanked out and just saw an imagine of Phoenix naked. Hey, at least im honest.
Thank God i have a date tonight.
Submitted by WillZone (user info) at 2004-03-26 14:14:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by smokymtcsw (user info) at 2004-03-26 14:06:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
the poor wife.
Submitted by Deisangua (user info) at 2004-03-26 14:03:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
As usual, you rock.
Submitted by beer-turtle (user info) at 2004-03-26 14:01:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yes but the cat came back the very next day...
Genetics does play an interesting role, but then so does Nurture.
I am not genetically related to my the man that raised me but I am certainly becoming an intolerable bastard like him.
-Turtle
Submitted by Lyric (user info) at 2004-03-26 13:57:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"He scratches his ass, lets out an uninhibited belch, and returns to his spot on the couch, pushing magazines off our coffee table to make room for his feet."
Wow. Sounds like a real catch. Is his son single?
;)