Things that go bump in the night. (851 hits)
Category: UberMadness! EntryRating: 1 on 1 review (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by <Catscradle> (View user info) at 2004-03-28 09:02:58 EST
This post was an official UberMadness! entry. Click here to view the original matchup.
Due to a recent hip injury, I have been forced to move back in with my parents. How did I injure my hip? Well, I could tell you the truth, but the truth involves me falling naked in the shower so I'll refrain from the truth and you will have to be content with me slipping off the hood of a car while working as a stunt double in Hollywood. Naked.
But regardless, I'm on crutches for a month and a half. It's not so bad really - handicapped bathrooms are THE SHIT.
Other than that though, I'm rather immobilized, depending on mom and dad for a lot of help around the house.
Upon moving home, I found that my neighbor had acquired a new dog named Rufus. Rufus is a Saint Bernard. Remember the Bethoven movies? Remember, the cute friendly dog who got along fine with everyone? The cute friendly adorable canine whose only vice was his drool, a vice which was cancelled out many times over by his heart of gold? Remember Bethoven? Yeah, I'm suing the makers of that movie for libel and atrocious mislabeling of a breed.
Why? Did you ever see Van Wilder? You did? Remember that bulldog with the massive balls? Alright, picture that animal on a combination of steroids and viagra and you'll get a rather good idea of Rufus' appearance and general demeanor. The dog is a menace. He's hung like a Tyrannasaurus Rex, he shits like a bison, he's horny as a toad, and there is NO CHANCE of getting him neutered because my neighbor in his infinite wisdom has decided he wants MORE, that's right you heard me, MORE 100 pound sperminating shit machines.
But it's no big deal, right? After all, it's MY NEIGHBOR'S dog. Not MY dog. Everything will be fine.
Or so I thought.
Last night, as I was laying in bed peacefully, thinking about putting a 3 foot high toilet in my future home, I heard a noise. A very distinctive bump. At first I dismissed it. I dozed off.
*BUMP*
I woke up with a start.
*BUMP*
"What the hell?" I thought to myself. I got up, grabbed my crutches and hobbled downstairs.
*BUMP*
There it was again! Leaning against the wall, I opened the door and hobbled outside.
*BUMP*
I went out into the driveway. I looked around. I could see nothing.
*BUMP*
I took a few ginger steps in the direction of my neighbor's. The noise seemed to be coming from the other side of his fence.
*BUMP*
Anxious to find out what the noise was, I hobbled closer. I stood still, about four feet from the fence. The noise had stopped. I peered into the darkness, looking for a source of the noise. Behind me, a twig snapped. Disturbed, a flock of birds noisily flew out of a tree. I turned warily. I blinked.
Oh shit.
Rufus was flying at me from behind. 30 yards away and closing. There really cannot be a god. There I was, virtually helpless against a 100 pound dog, horny as a high school prom date, hurtling towards me at 20 miles an hour, slowed only by his mammoth phallic appendage dragging the ground.
I started heading for the house, making great strides with my crutches. But it was night time. I could not see! I planted my right crutch squarely in a Rufus turd. My crutch slipped and went flying. I barely managed to hold myself up by leaning on a nearby tree.
Rufus was upon me.
What could I do? I could do nothing. I stood my ground and took it. I took it like a man. I took it like a bitch. My right leg was officially sodomized, making Rufus a criminal (seeing as how this is Texas).
The noise woke my neighbor up.
"Come here Rufus! Get over here!" he yelled.
But Rufus didn't hear! All he heard was "come" and responded dutifully. Come here he did, get over here he did not.
I was trapped. But alas, an idea! I whistled for Fluffy, my mother's female poodle. Fluffy was already awake due to the commotion.
She trotted out the doggy door. She ran to my side. Rufus immediately lost interest in me. His ears perked. He abandoned me and directed his full attention to Fluffy's hindquarters.
I hopped on one leg back to the house. I was filthy and covered in shit and Rufus DNA. But I was safe!
Good news? My injured right hip can hold up more weight than the doctors thought.
Bad news? Saint Bernard and Poodle puppies are ugly as sin.
The next night it happened again, just as I was dozing off.
*BUMP*
I took a handful of vicoden and did absolutely nothing.
User Reviews
Submitted by Fabish (user info) at 2004-05-17 19:22:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I thought this was a pretty funny story.