Sometimes I wander... (294 hits)
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Submitted by Tastycat <guysmily00.at.hotmail.com> (View user info) at 2004-03-28 22:18:22 EST
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Sometimes I wander, lost, not knowing where to go. My arms are stretched out in front of me, feeling, searching desperately for something to grab hold of to guide me, to show me the way.
Sometimes I pave the way, screech along as my tires carve perfect apex lines through a turn, barely holding the ground, speeding along, perhaps aimlessly, with only a finish line in mind.
I feel sad. No amount of anything, including light, brightens the darkest day. I'm unhappy as I wander, as I drag my feet along, head lowered in a despicable, "I just got scolded" manner. I whistle. Listen to myself through the high pitched melodies that emerge from a set of pursed lips. Whatever it may be these days.
I see the envious and admiring eyes and hear the hushed whispers as I walk. I walk to class, aimlessly. And enter. The few, not many, who see me as a friend or take some sort of odd pride in knowing me acknowledge my presence with outreached hands and warm welcomes. I smile weakly and walk up the aisle steps to my saved seat in the back of the classroom. My peers mill about as I make my way to my seat and plop down there. The teacher talks about the inteersection of lines and planes and I stare and dream.
Parallel is interesting. My mind wanders to love. Say, for a mental exercise I suppose, that one's life mission was to search for his or her true love. Say that the person can't bring him or herself to stay with anyone, because he or she is certain of the presence of someone in the world who is perfect, who is "the one." Imagine then, that the one he/she seeks is traversing a similar path, walking through life, searching for the other, and they walk alongside each other, perhaps even aiding each other in their respective quests occasionally, never realizing just who they're walking next to. Lines never perpendicular. And together they walk, at times nearly hand in hand, but not.
And the idea makes me shiver. My classmate taps me and wonders if I'm alright. Nice of him to wonder. I nod slowly and pretend to pay attention. After class, I trod slowly to the quiz return room to pick up last weeks nightmare on derivatives and the geometry of lines. The TA nods at me, hands me my quiz and solemnly says, "good luck, not that you need it." I smile faintly and nod my head in appreciation and thanks, and walk out. A quick sideways glance of my constantly wandering eyes reveals a 30/30 scrawled onto my test booklet. Another sideways glance at the board brings the graphs from the last 4 quizzes into perspective. I look at the bar graph, then for the average, seventeen. I put away my quiz and sit down under some trees nearby and think, and falter a little more, and die a little more.
I log on my laptop to the network operations webboard and post an irritated question about my apple airport base station. I order a pendant from Tiffany & Co. (http://www.tiffany.com/shopping/item.asp?channel=Jewelry&CategoryId=15&c_id=WEB1&c_it=59E&start_id=6&) for my mother's birthday; then preorder a GeForce 4 Ti4600 w/128mb ddr, 1gb in RDRAM chips and a soundblaster audigy 5.1 platinum something or other. Didn't think I'd need to upgrade my computer, but sheer boredom leaves me with little choice.
A girl walks by, fingers her CD player and turns her head towards me, smiles. I curiously watch as she walks by. Her smile fades in my mind as her male companion frowns at me. I twiddle the ring on my pinky and bite my lip. I close my eyes and let my head fall backwards and stare through closed eyelids at the clouds in the sky that I don't see. I open my eyes and my girlfriend stands there, smiling. I smile back, dust myself off and pack my things. We walk.
I shift my weight awkwardly as I ride home on the shuttle. I crack my knuckles and my eyes dart around, examining the people, things, places, their expressions, their lips as they talk, their body language as they interact. I get off. walk the remainder of the way to my apartment. Check my mailbox for notices of santa claus in the brown truck leaving me presents. Discover a cellular phone bill instead. As I walk I consider things, rationalize, if I may. About what? My memory doesn't serve me as well now. It's packed full of the excrement they've been slinging me in my humanities class, and other, not-so-smelly things.
My mind sets points in my life to look forward to, but there seem to be few. Seems as though, unfortunately, the human mind doesn't function as well when it's inhibited by emotions.
I long for that which I cannot have. I can't sit still, I yearn to be free and, fly. The tighter I'm held on to, the "happier" I feel, or the more loved I feel, yet at the same time, my heart becomes restless and silently seeks another, goal? Or rather, challenge?
It's a sad situation, that is, to feel a certain way about someone for an extended period of time and find out, one special day, that he/she feels the same way. And then you part ways. Parting is such sweet sorrow, and it feels like a something more than even a tragedy, as your hands slip and he/she falls. Then to have to watch the other lead his/her life, some say to bring out the popcorn and enjoy. I'd rather turn my head and look elsewhere, it pains me too much to see such a thing.
And I wish I could tell you all what all this means. Instead, I trail off, and my voice becomes indistinguishable among that of the throng of approaching students. And I falter, and die a little more.
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