Beware the Baker. (549 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.57 on 9 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by cat_head (View user info) at 2004-03-29 04:10:10 EST
Ted is one of those doddering old chaps that everyone just loves. He's kind, friendly and charming, and his portly frame reveals his weakness for coconut macaroons! Everyone loves Ted. But he has a secret - what comes out of his mouth does not match what goes on in his mind. And he fucking loves it!
He opens up shop:
Mrs Chatsworth: Morning Ted! Lovely day for it. Just the usual for me today, dear.
Ted <OUT>: Ah, Mrs Chatsworth. You're looking even more beautiful than you did yesterday. I didn't think it possible, but it is so.
Ted <IN>: Woman you are the dimmest, ugliest, most depressing excuse for a human being I have ever encountered. Kindly take your business elsewhere, preferably to a hardware store, where I suggest that you purchase a plane and slice your disgusting face off.
Mrs Chatsworth: Ted you are too kind! I notice that Steven hasn't been in for a while. Is he OK?
Ted <OUT>: Hmm, a rather sad matter I'm afraid. Things weren't really working out and I had to let the poor dear go. It broke my heart to do so.
Ted <IN>: I fired the cunt. I am Thor, the Thunder-God, and I decide where the lightning strikes!!!
Mrs Chatsworth: I'm sure you know what's best, Ted.
Ted <OUT>: Well, I just hope I've done the right thing.
Ted <IN>: You fucken' know it, bitch.
Later on, the owner of the shop pays a visit.
Mr Hobson: How goes, Captain Ted? Everything rosy on the good ship Balfour Bakery?
Ted <OUT>: Aye, sir. All present and correct. The sun doth shine and the wind doth blow, and all is good above and below!
Ted <IN>: I really don't know how I didn't massacre you the first time we met, you fucking worm. Do you realise how close you are to a painful death every second you are in my presence?
Mr Hobson: I can always count on you Ted. Now listen - I need 600 extra white soft for tomorrow morning. Is that OK?
Ted <OUT>: Consider it done, Mr Hobson. No problem at all.
Ted <IN>: Well that's just fucking great, you monkey fuck. I'll now be working an extra 3 hours by myself tonight. Well, at least I can pass the time by thinking up new and ever more exquisite ways to cause you suffering.
Mr Hobson: That's marvellous Ted, just marvellous.
Towards the end of a busy day, an old lady comes in. Mrs Cotton is almost deaf so Ted has to shout.
Mrs Cotton: -mumble- do you...-mumble-.. rock cakes?
Ted <OUT>: I beg your pardon, dear.
Ted <IN>: What?! You fuck.
Mrs Cotton: -mumble- currants...-mumble-.. cakes?
Ted <IN>: Ahh, you're in the market for some rock cakes, Mrs Cotton.
Ted <OUT>: Look, you old crone - why don't you do everyone a favour and just drop down dead this second!!! If you like I can assist you by popping your eyes with an ice-pick and stamping on your cunting head!! You FUUUUCCKKKK!!!!!!!
As the dying echoes of his screams ring round the shop, a still-smiling Ted realises he had got his inward and outward voices mixed up. He guesses that this might be caused by Alzheimer's disease. Fortunately for him, Mrs Cotton seems oblivious. A lucky escape - this time. He vows to stop.
With a sigh of relief, Ted hands her a pack of rock cakes and smiles.
Ted <OUT>: Don't eat them all at once, you!
Ted <IN>: All I want is for you to be in pain.
Tomorrow, maybe.
User Reviews
Submitted by Ltap (user info) at 2008-05-20 10:27:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It seemed like the "what the bartender is really saying" post, but I liked it all the same.
Submitted by orph (user info) at 2008-05-20 09:56:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i like rock cakes
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2004-07-04 03:18:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Just above the thin line between a 1 and a 2. Good work!
Submitted by Quartermain (user info) at 2004-03-29 11:48:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
What the hell are rock cakes? Other than that, good work.
Submitted by AlwaysAnEagle (user info) at 2004-03-29 11:33:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hah...rock cakes...
Submitted by Deisangua (user info) at 2004-03-29 08:46:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Falco (user info) at 2004-03-29 05:28:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
chrome
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2004-03-29 05:07:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Yeah, Meh.
Submitted by SammySam (user info) at 2004-03-29 04:16:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
meh