Keep Your Hands and Feet (and nose) Away, Folks (687 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.57 on 8 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Gent (View user info) at 2004-03-29 12:56:12 EST
There are certain verbal insults in our language that present such an assault against our pride, that the only way to retaliate is with a punch to the face. One such insult is that which is commonly used when a person is eating in an excessively fast and aggressive manner. "Whoa... slow down there champ. No one is going to take it away from you," one may say, causing said aggressive eater to acknowledge that his table skills are no more refined than a pig at a troth. Besides causing great embarrassment to the particular eater, a comment such as this brings delight to all those that hear it.
I bring this up, because I've seen the harmful effects this phrase can have on big eaters. I had a roommate in college who was a big eater... the kind of kid that ate 5 or 6 full meals per day. And not small meals eaten throughout the day like those that are currently all the rage with fitness gurus... I'm talking full fledged, hearty, 3 course eating festivals. This is a kid that made up a meal between lunch and dinner, and another between dinner and his nightly 11pm feeding. He was a man that liked his food, to say the least.
His eating was the source of constant amusement with me and my fellow roommates. Although we constantly chided him on his eating prowess, our teasing reached historic levels on one particular night, when he placed a late night order from the "Big Cookie". If you aren't aware of the "Big Cookie", it is just as it appears to be... a company that delivers a single, giant cookie in a pizza box. On this night, my hungry roommate, Matt, placed his cookie order and then left for the library to check out a book, giving me some money to pay the delivery guy when he arrived. 30 minutes later, the cookie arrived, in it's pizza box. I put the cookie on the table after paying for it and got back to watching television with one of my other roommates.
After awhile, we started thinking about the cookie, discussing the eating habits of Matt. We determined that it would be in everyone's best interests to play a joke on him... one that involved the cookie. Not being particularly creative people, my roommate and I could only come up with one practical joke... we would remove the cookie from the box and shit in it.
To make a long story shorter, the plan worked to perfection. When Matt arrived home hungry to devour his giant cookie, in the box he found what was left by my roommate. He actually called the "Big Cookie" location and told them of the problem: "Um... I ordered a large cookie and when I got the box I found there was feces inside instead of a cookie." We were rolling while this was going on, but tried to be reserved so as not to give away the joke. Of course, the "Big Cookie" denied that they had put the feces there, even going as far as to put the delivery man on the phone, who insisted that when he left the box off, there had been a chocolate chip cookie within. We let it go for another half hour before I fetched the cookie from where it was hiding under my bed. Now one would think that all of this would've dampened his appetite for cookies... but he ate the whole fucking thing.
But this post isn't about feces or cookies... I was sidetracked giving background on Matt, and his eating habits. This is about insults used to offend disgusting eaters. The same year that the cookie fiasco took place, my roommates and I were all at a Mexican restaurant... there were eight of us living in this apartment, so it was quite a loud spectacle when we all went out. So there we were... drinking heavily and eating. The entire night was spent teasing Matt on his eating habits. He had devoured the chips and salsa that were supposed to be enough for the entire table, and when the nachos arrived, I estimate that he alone ate 80% . I think I made the first crack:
"Slow down, man... no one is going to take it away from you." Now I've said previously that the only way to recover from this insult is to immediately respond with a punch in the face. Being aware of this, I tried to defuse my comment with: "Just kidding, man."
But my remark opened the floodgates:
"Whoa, big guy... Come up for air," chided one of my roommates.
"Keep your arms and feet away, folks," said another.
Before long, the entire table had regressed into a full-fledged assault on Matt's table manners. Even the waitress got in on the act: "I want to clear this empty plate but I'm afraid he'll bite my arms," she said, taking cues from the torment we had been laying on him all night.
I realized that this was a particularly dangerous situation. Here we were, getting drunker and drunker, and as we did, the insults became more and more vicious. I also noticed that Matt's face was growing a deeper shade of red with every word... although he kept eating... always kept eating.
Sitting next to Matt, one of my roommates made a remark that crossed the line. Although whatever he said was in no way more egregious than some of the other remarks we had been making, this insult was the final push he needed. Without standing up and without winding up, Matt hit my roommate with a straight right hand to the nose. Although there was a gentle "thud" sound caused by the impact, the punch was done so discreetly that no one in the restaurant noticed. Families went on eating and the waitresses continued serving. The members of my table, however, sat in stunned silence. Blood was pouring from my roommates nose as we all watched. "What the hell was that for," he asked. But Matt didn't answer, opting to let his fork do the talking as he continued to assault his quesadilla.
The rest of us sat around the table without eating or speaking for about 10 minutes, still trying to comprehend what we witnessed. The one that had been punched sat in angry silence, his napkin pressed against his nose to dam the torrent of blood that was rushing from it. Matt, the puncher, however, continued eating as if nothing had happened. Finally, after this prolonged silence, Matt broke the ice:
"Seriously, man," he said to the guy he just punched, "Are you going to finish your burrito or what?"
User Reviews
Submitted by ohlookasquirrel (user info) at 2004-04-01 20:57:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
How come more people don't review you?
Plus fucking two.
Submitted by Tastycat (user info) at 2004-03-31 12:45:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Dammit, now I want a quesadilla. And unless Imake it myself, the only way to get one is to go to Taco Bell. Fuck you for making me crave Taco Bell.
Submitted by Gent (user info) at 2004-03-31 12:18:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
He definitely wasn't thin.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2004-03-31 10:41:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
was he a fatty ?
Submitted by beer-turtle (user info) at 2004-03-29 15:45:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
that some funny shit
-Turtle
Submitted by William_Q_Percy (user info) at 2004-03-29 14:49:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Concurred
Submitted by bravo_foxtrot (user info) at 2004-03-29 14:47:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Meh
Submitted by WillZone (user info) at 2004-03-29 13:50:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
another gem from Gent.