Don't go changin' (656 hits)
Category: UberMadness! EntryRating: 1 on 1 review (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Brandon Fabish <brandino_the_great.at.yahoo.com> (View user info) at 2004-03-29 16:22:39 EST
This post was an official UberMadness! entry. Click here to view the original matchup.
EQUINOX, NOX, NOX, NOX, erupted my alarm. I hit the snooze button and slid onto the edge of my bed, yawned, stretched, glanced at the calendar, and got dressed. Today is the first day of spring, which doesn't account for anything other than the fact that it's time to go fishing.
I grab my fishing pole and tackle box and walk outside. The sun is already warm, and a thick heat is in the air, as I climb on my bike and take off. I'm steadily riding down a dirt path when something comes charging at me. Well, swinging is a better term.
I glanced just in time to recognize it was exactly what I could barely make out, which was some sort of oafish creature lumbering straight at me. It blew into me flipping me onto my side, and causing my bike to tumble on in the scintillating dust-light.
I didn't want to die so I started to say something but it was muffled. An accurate description of this noise sounded something like this, "Hargumphooow."
"Don't be alarmed," said the man, peering from behind a tree. "I'm not going to hurt you."
"Holy SHIT, you're David Thoreau. What the hell are you doing out here?" I asked this transcendentalistic man.
"Well actually I'm looking for some berries. Would you like to help me?"
"Y-no. I was on my way to go catch some fish before you up-fucked me from my bike. I brought along a collection of your work to help pass the time. I got the book at Amazon. Think you could sign it; it was money well spent."
"Well, I'd be delighted to." He opens the front cover to reveal that I only paid $1.95 and his face contorts into a frown. "You said you got this at the Amazon did you?"
"Not really, but for your own understanding, yes. Yes I did."
He was playing into my plan beautifully and just as he started to write his signature I picked up a rock and smashed his hand. "Take that you misinformed bastard," screamed I.
"Auuuhhh," whimpered Thoreau as tears welled up in his moist eyes. "I may never write again."
"That's a bummer Dave," I replied, knowing that nobody would be upset.
"Would you like to come watch some ants with me? It's magnificent to see how they use teamwork and show us just how simple life is. I watched them battle the other day. It was glorious."
I ran over to the anthill and started kicking and thrashing about. Stomping all over this his entertainment for the week. "Fuck the ants David, you've got to start doing something with your life. This is retarded, and-"
At this time Thoreau thought it appropriate to mind-fuck me for breaking his hand.
"Dammit Dave, put on a fucking pair of trousers, or at least a loincloth. Christ."
"Why should I," replied Mr. Thoreau. "Is it because society says I should?"
"No, it's because you're naked, which is disgusting, and your penis just smiled at me. Put it away, man. This is sick, I'm out of here."
[I feel like making BUH-NUP BUM, BUH-NUP BUM, feel like making love.]
"Holy shit what's that?" I screamed and started looking all around the forest.
"Oh, that's just my phone. This will only take a second." He squats and dumps all over the ground, but out comes his phone nonetheless. He hits a button and says, hello.
"I think I'm going to go fish now Dave, it's been nice talking to you," I said, and in a more muffled voice finished it with, "you fucking idiot."
He took his phone away from his ear and said, "You know spring-time signifies a brand new journey for nature, and in nature we find man, the ice melting from Walden's Pond down the way represents a brand new beginning for you."
"Sure thing Dave, and remember when you said, 'Things don't change; we do.' That's bullshit. Everything changes." I took a step and paused, then looked back and inquired, "Before I go, who's on the phone?"
"Oh, nobody, just Mrs. Th- that is to say, Emerson. He's in jail again for spreading the word to a bunch of school students."
On the other end of the phone in a scratchy, but still audible tone you can here a deep voice say, "You got uh perty mouth." Followed by a stuttered, "I-is t-that a shiv in your pants." Thoreau put the phone back up to his ear, and started to say something but stopped. "Huha, yeah, I like that. Let's just call 'er a shiv, eh Waldo?"
Thoreau heard an ear piercing, glass-shattering scream next, and threw the phone down in disgust. "I warned him," he said. "He got his up-and-comings. A shiv; how could he be so stupid?"
"I'd ask you the same question Dave," I yelled as I charged at him. I grabbed him by his bony shoulders and threw him into his cabin. I then opened my tackle box and had some starter fluid which I poured all over the inside and then lit a match. Just as I turned to walk away I flipped the match over my shoulder and a wave of heat and flame blew outwards and past me. "Active Soul my ass. Here's your proof that man is capable of evil. Don't go changin' Dave."
User Reviews
Submitted by earth_collapse (user info) at 2005-02-07 04:00:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Heh.