Inbred, Brain Dead -The Pager Chronicles Volume III: Alabamy (1073 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1 on 10 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Envenom (View user info) at 2004-03-29 18:36:42 EST
Welcome once again to the ongoing saga of idiocy I deal with on a daily basis. Today I bring you our most controversial episode to date! Let's just jump right in.
(Names have been changed to protect the identities of the mentally challenged - they need all the help they can get!)
ME: Thank you for calling Pager Palace, how may I help you?
Hayseed Customer: Yes sirrr, this here's Jeb Martin and my pager don't work.
Brain: Hello Camaro hair. Somebody call the Mullet Militia.
ME: Ok sir, I'll be glad to help you with that, can I have your pager number please?
Hayseed Customer: Ya know, y'all used to have a store in these parts, just a stone's throw away. I used to could go to that therrre store and take care of this but now I have to call y'all all the way in...where are youuuuu???????
Brain: "Useta could?" What the hell does that mean?
ME: North Carolina sir.
Hayseed Customer: Nobody wants to do business face to face no more. All that fancy internet hibity hoo.
Brain: Somebody moved your cheese pal. Deal with it.
ME: Yes, companies are changing the way they do business. It has it's advantages and disadvantages.
ME: Sir, if I can just have your pager number please I'll be happy to assist you.
Hayseed Customer: 555-0000
ME: (sigh) What area code sir?
Brain: Yeah, I could probably save my self some trouble by asking for the number beginning with the area code, but then I wouldn't get to bitch about it, now would I?
Hayseed Customer: Do what now?
Brain: I didn't tell you to DO anything! I asked what your area code was. Is there such a thing as an English to Redneck translation guide? Where's that good for nothing Jeff Foxworthy when I need him?
ME: Your area code sir.
Hayseed Customer: 35401
ME: No sir, you're A-RE-A code.
Hayseed Customer: I just told youuuuuu 35401.
Brain: Let me guess, you're from Alabamy.
ME: Sir, that is a ZIP CODE, I need your AREA CODE?
Hayseed Customer: Oh, why didn't you say so, it's 205.
Brain: Bingo!
ME: Thank you. One moment while I pull up your account.
Brain: Christ, I've been talking to this guy for 5 minutes and I'm just now pulling up his account. . I can't even remember what the hell he was calling about. This call will be the death of me. Get the Maalox ready
ME: (grudgingly) And how can I help you?
Hayseed Customer: I told you my pager don't work.
Brain: Shit, that's right. With such a detailed explanation how could I have forgotten?
ME: What seems to be the problem with the pager?
Hayseed Customer: It don't get no pages.
ME: Well let me check your programming, then we'll go through some troubleshooting. Can you hold for a moment please?
Hayseed Customer: Do what now?
Brain: It's still a stupid saying but at least here it was mildly appropriate.
ME: Just a moment please
-15 minutes later-
ME: Well sir, everything checks out ok. You say it just stopped working all of a sudden?
Hayseed Customer: Yeah. It ain't received a thing since I dropped it in the terlet the other day.
Brain: Why the fuck didn't you tell me that 15 minutes ago you moron? My left testicle's IQ is higher than yours. At least he knows how to get some. What do you know you backwoods fuck? Terlet, huh?
***Note: Hayseed Customer shall henceforth be known as Ignorant Hayseed (is there any other kind?) Customer, but rather than type all that, we'll just leave it assumed***
ME: (Irritated- and at this point banking on the fact that he's too dumb to notice if I'm being a dick or not) Why didn't you tell me that 15 minutes ago?!#?$!?
Hayseed Customer: I put it in the dryer and it dried out. It has a DISplay.
Brain: You put it in the dryer? No wonder you're so stupid. If I listened to a pager bang around in a dryer for 40 minutes or so my brain would be mush too.
ME: (Trying to stay calm) Occasionally they will work after drying, but that's rare. We'll have to get you out a replacement.
(I'll spare you of the argument of who should pay for the replacement - and NO, dropping it in the shitter is NOT considered "basic wear and tear!")
ME: Would there be anything else I could help you with today?
Hayseed Customer: Yessssssirrrrrrreeee
Brain: Why did I say that??? Nothing good ever comes of that. They've got me brainwashed.
Hayseed Customer: People don't know what to do when they dial my pager.
Brain: ???
Brain: I know I'm going to regret this.
ME: What exactly do you mean?
Hayseed Customer: There's a confusin' message on that therrre pager.
- Intrigued, I dial the number -
ME: Sir, it says "please leave your numeric message"
Hayseed Customer: Yep, that's the one. What in tarnation is a new merik message?
Brain: Seems pretty self explanatory to me.
Brain: Incest is bad, m'kay?
Hayseed Customer: Hows theys supposed to know to enter therrr number?
Brain: Main Entry: 1nu·mer·ic
Pronunciation: nu-'mer-ik, nyu-
Function: adjective
:; especially : denoting a number or a system of numbers
ME: That's what the message means sir.
Hayseed Customer: Well folks don't know that. We don't take kindly to yer fancy city talk. Y'all need to change that.
Brain: How the fuck did he find his way through the automated prompts? He should still be pressing buttons right now. We designed the system specifically to keep people like him out! Oh well, I guess even a blind squirrel finds a nut once in awhile.
ME: Unfortunately if we changed that for you sir, we would have to change it for everyone and that is not possible. You can however -
Hayseed Customer: I WANT TO TALK TO SOMEONE OVER YOUUUUU!
Brain: Over me?? Like what, suspended on a wire or something? (Looking up) Nope, don't see anyone. So he actually has a pulse, huh? I wonder what would happen if I asked him to use "inside" voice?
ME: I'm the highest ranking representative available right now sir. All escalated issues come directly to me. Again, we cannot change the standard greeting, but before you CUT ME OFF ...
Brain: So sue me, it's miracle I haven't gone postal yet.
ME: ...I was about to inform you that you could record your own greeting.
Hayseed Customer: Well you tell yer higher ups it's not right. It's just not right. Y'all should put a message on therrre people can understand, I'll tell you what.
Brain: Yeah, I'll do that. Uh huh. Right after I stop jerking off and start paying my taxes. That'll happen. Free enterprise my ass.
ME: Will do. Thank you for calling Pager Palace...
Brain: No, I'm not asking him again if there's anything else. You're lucky to get one of those per call out of me. I'd rather you fire me and I wind up in a ditch somewhere choking to death on my own vomit than spend another second talking to this guy!
ME: ...and have a nice day!!!
END CALL
Disclaimer: If you are from Alabama and offended by this post, I apologize. I am not insinuating that everyone from Alabama is an ignorant hayseed. I am insinuating everyone from Alabamy is an ignorant hayseed. Not even everyone, just (by some odd coincidence) everyone with a pager, or so it would seem. In fact, if you even know what insinuating means, or have ever used it in a sentence, consider yourself exempt.
Previous episodes
http://www.ubersite.com/m/28502
http://www.ubersite.com/m/28595
User Reviews
Submitted by The_Yellow_Dart (user info) at 2005-03-17 19:27:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Melany (user info) at 2004-05-06 13:33:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Brain: Somebody moved your cheese pal. Deal with it."
Haha, marvelous!
Submitted by Envenom (user info) at 2004-05-06 10:53:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Mmmmmmmmm crablegs. I love crablegs cooked in beer.
Submitted by TripinDayZ420 (user info) at 2004-05-06 10:49:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
man the people that say this is too long are most likely from...you guessed it ALABAMY. being from arkansas and working in the food service industry for several years (server/bartender at red lobster, chili's, applebee's.. yes i was a restraunt whore) i had to deal with the local yokels face to face.
you have not experienced anything until you have dealt with an all day shift at red lobster on all you can eat crableg leg day.
we would bring the first pound, then they could order more in half pound increments until they either puked or we closed. brilliant idea Darden Enterprises. my record of crablegs to one table in one setting was 26 pounds to 3 farmers.
you've seen a half pound order.. five or six legs, one with a claw, and the knuckle (which is FULL of the sweetest meat). these fuckers didn't eat anything but the middle joint of the biggest two or three legs then <ding ding> more crab please. we took all the claws (52 of them if your keeping up) to the back and had a gnoshfest.
now what was i here to do? oh yeah, great post bro!
Submitted by AlwaysAnEagle (user info) at 2004-03-29 20:19:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh come on, it's not THAT long...if he'd written in UberNewbie One Big Giant Pile of Paragraph mode, you'd barely need to scroll down.
Nice work!
Submitted by Envenom (user info) at 2004-03-29 19:35:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Cool, I hoped somebody would pick up on that!
Submitted by Kimba (user info) at 2004-03-29 19:22:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Somebody moved your cheese pal. Deal with it."
+2 for that line. My old boss made me read that book.
Submitted by cf7 at 2004-03-29 18:50:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
good story,
just way too long.
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2004-03-29 18:46:50 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
too long
Submitted by Cato (user info) at 2004-03-29 18:39:14 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Too damn long I didnt even get past the first line