in an alternate dimension i ruined star wars for everyone... (926 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.13 on 22 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Poisonyourkids (View user info) at 2004-03-30 01:17:55 EST
i have a lot of free time on my hands. i mean a lot of free time. read some of my other posts... and i think you will get the idea of what a waste of time my life currently is. or maybe thats just a shameless plug for my other posts... either way, with all this valuable time on my hands, and nothing to do, i was starting to feel.... less than productive.
actually i was feeling like a loser... the kind of loser who is exceptionally poor and out of work.
i thought i should probably do something to occupy my time and keep me active... on account of my ass and my couch cushions were starting to become as one. never really a good thing.
so i came up with a fantastic plan... and after i ate those delicious waffels i came up with an even more fantastic plan. i would create a interdimensional time machine.
it was a lot of work, and this is where my story gets a little questionable because you might be asking yourself, "how the hell did a jobless, penniless idiot create an interdimensional time machine?"
im afraid the only answer i have is.... shut up. i did it, and anyone who says i didnt do it is a communist.
after my time machine was complete (and it really was complete and real and not made up) i thought about all the things i could do. all the ways i could go and alter the past to make things better. i thought maybe i could go back in time and use the same resources i used to make the time mahine (my limitless imagination and money that i cant explain how i got but i got it so drop it already) to create something that would avert a catastrophe. i thought about making a sea captains breathalizer machine that would possibly stop that drunk sea captain from crashing the exon valdez and ruining alaksa (or where ever the hell he crashed the thing...i dont know. get off my back) maybe i could create some kind of box cutter warning device to be installed on planes... i dont know. i coulda done something unique and world bettering.
i considered all the great things i could do with this time machine. all the good i could accomplish... all the people that i dont like, whos births i could prevent with an unexcpected push down some stairs... there truely were endless possibilities for this thing. i thought good and hard about what i would do.
and yes... i came to my conclusion as to when i would travel to and what i would accomplish when i got there
the year i selected was 1977. a year that, in an alternate dimension. would live in imfamy.
in 1977, the movie "Star Wars, A New Hope" was released in box offices. i selected the exact opening date of that movie which i cant remember now but i knew back when i did it but dont now but i really did back then. my machine transported me to 1977, to the chinese theatre in hollywood california...where star wars first graced the big screen.
i saw lines of people lined up all around the block and down several other blocks just hoping for a chance to see george lucas' opus. i felt a lot like a kid in a candy store thinking about how i could possibly see star wars on opening day in 1977 and live a day in movie history. it was a fantastic feeling...
then i looked at the line again and realized if you stretched it out it would be about 3 miles long... plus is was 1977 and everyone looked and dressed like an asshole.
this drove me into a fit of rage... all i could smell was cocaine and polyester... and i could hear disco on the breeze, and kiss wafting out of car stereos of vehicles that drove by. the 70s were full of bastards... i almost forgot about that horrible show on VH1 about the 70's and how happy i felt to be born in the mid 80s... where i only had to deal with half of the shittiest decade yet.
after all my planning i just decided to yell at the top of my lungs "VADER IS LUKES FATHER!!!"
everyone looked at me like i was insane, and once again i yelled, but this time i said "JUST REMEMBER WHAT I SAID... DONT ASK QUESTIONS... JUST KNOW THAT IN 20 YEARS YOURE GOING TO HATE ME"
then i got back in my time machine and went home and made a sandwitch... and as i was watching the latest show on MTV where some ugly guy tries to get surgery to look like brad pitt... i felt good inside knowing that in some alternate dimension, out in the furthest reaches of time and space... i had forever ruined star wars for just about everyone, and i did it in time to come home, eat a sandwitch, and poison my mind with MTV's mindlessly entertaining drivel...
and the best thing is...this is all true.
attached is a photo of my space suit that i had to wear while i traveled interdimensionally... it was a very sophisticated suit, and was the only thing keeping me alive durring the violent journey from the presant to the past... thank goodness.
User Reviews
Submitted by intellismartness (user info) at 2004-03-31 03:09:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Heh, even including the no caps you deserve this. This was funny.
Submitted by Angela <boxingbabe182.at.hotmail.com> at 2004-03-31 02:50:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I'm pissed cause I wrote you a really nice comment for your story, but the people at this website didn't post it cause it was too long! They left me a note saying I probably left the caps key on or wrote in really big words and thats why I can't post. Then they said it doesn't matter cause I probably never learned to read anyway. I think they're rude. I had something nice to say, it just happened to be a very large something. And I would just send it to you in an email, but when I hit the back key my comment was erased. If I didn't have to get up in four hours I would retype it.
Now I'm going to bed angry. Goodnight...
Submitted by poisonyourkids (user info) at 2004-03-30 12:19:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
i figured i had to differentiate. i spose i coudla just said star wars IV, or i coulda said, the first star wars but then it coulda possibly got confusing.
being as most people now know it as a new hope...i figured i would just clarify. my mistake.
oh wait... i dont care.
Submitted by Trout (user info) at 2004-03-30 10:21:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
The text "a new hope" was not added to the rolling titles until AFTER empire strikes back was made.
There are still original prints of star wars out there that do not have the new hope subtitle.
They have in the past turned up on uk tv.
IMDB will sort you out.
Can't get a link to the specific bit as it's blocked at work.
Submitted by lawryde (user info) at 2004-03-30 10:04:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
ehhhh it was OK
Submitted by Envenom (user info) at 2004-03-30 09:28:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Damn commies
Submitted by OutLaw (user info) at 2004-03-30 09:27:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
+2 for, "so i came up with a fantastic plan... and after i ate those delicious waffels i came up with an even more fantastic plan."
-1 for no caps.
Submitted by FATMANTPK (user info) at 2004-03-30 09:26:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Trout (user info) at 2004-03-30 09:18:22 (#)
Ranking: 0
+2 for humour
-1
I don't think the sub-title New Hope was added until The Empire Strikes Back Came out. So in 1977 it was just called star wars.
-1
What's so bad about being a commie?
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I believe at the begining of the movie, when the text is rolling up the screen, it says "Episode IV - A New Hope"
Submitted by Trout (user info) at 2004-03-30 09:18:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
+2 for humour
-1
I don't think the sub-title New Hope was added until The Empire Strikes Back Came out. So in 1977 it was just called star wars.
-1
What's so bad about being a commie?
Submitted by AlwaysAnEagle (user info) at 2004-03-30 08:45:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Commie.
Submitted by FATMANTPK (user info) at 2004-03-30 08:31:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Vader is Luke's father?
Submitted by Hooligan (user info) at 2004-03-30 07:43:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Amusing.
Submitted by kai070169 (user info) at 2004-03-30 03:09:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
no.
Submitted by Dustbrother (user info) at 2004-03-30 02:29:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"im afraid the only answer i have is.... shut up. i did it, and anyone who says i didnt do it is a communist."
lmao.
Submitted by poisonyourkids (user info) at 2004-03-30 02:16:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
thanks...
i like your name too...
Submitted by danifestmestiny (user info) at 2004-03-30 02:13:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
good job
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2004-03-30 01:42:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
once upon a time there was this dude. he was all like ''yeah, i can get any hoe i want.''
one day, he got a hoe.
the end.
Submitted by poisonyourkids (user info) at 2004-03-30 01:33:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
penniless.... penisless....
youre right either way...
Submitted by Hadooken (user info) at 2004-03-30 01:30:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
this was funny as shit. "world bettering" is now in my vocabulary and i dont know if its because i havent slept in a couple days, but when you said you were penniless i read that as penisless.
either way, i will vouch for the fact that this is indeed a true story.
Submitted by poisonyourkids (user info) at 2004-03-30 01:29:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
comming from you shitfuck... i take it as a compliment...
<3
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2004-03-30 01:26:27 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
ugh...you ARE the type of loser that is poor and unloved...
silly.
Submitted by poisonyourkids (user info) at 2004-03-30 01:19:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
unfortunately i am stupid...and my photo did not attach...
it was a really cool space suit... made of the finest beer boxes nasa could afford to lend me at the time...