Art Of The One Cheek Lift - A Practical Guide To Farting (1887 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 0.73 on 17 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by <Catscradle> (View user info) at 2004-03-30 09:40:50 EST
Today in class, the guy three rows in front of me farted. For 3 seconds. Passed Gas. Broke Wind. Cut the Cheese. Whatever.
It made no noise and I could detect no scent.
But I knew he had farted nonetheless. How did I know, you ask?
The one cheek lift. That's right, man's greatest ally against the painful burning caused by explosive flatulence. The universal trait exhibited by a man in the midst of a natural gas overflow.
What is the one cheek lift? The one cheek lift is where, right before a fart, one shifts his weight to one asscheek, and lifts the other approximately 1 inch off of the surface of his seat. He then holds the cheek in hover condition for the duration of the fart. Fanning the scent away with one's hand stimulates air flow but is generally discouraged as it attracts unwanted attention. Once the release of gas is over, one sits back down like normal. This action creates an air channel for the often time burning gas to dissipate into the surrounding atmosphere. It spares a man the pain (and smell!) of singed ass hairs as well as the inconvenience of standing up.
That's why most people fidget from time to time in their seats. That's why people sleep on their sides as well.
The one cheek lift has other benefits also. Driving the car, but need your wallet out of your back pocket ? One cheek lift to the rescue.
Has someone blamed you for a fart you didn't release? Were they 'shifting' their weight noticeably 3 minutes ago? One cheek lift is the smoking gun, or smoking asshole in this case.
If someone attempts to deny the one cheek lift and insists they were 'shifting their weight', call 'em a liar, 'cause no one 'shifts their weight' anymore. Shifting weight is for pussies.
Speaking of pussies, women need not be afraid to try the one cheek lift either. Bonus: No one will ever publically accuse a woman of farting so loudly detecting your own smell and blaming it on someone else is easy.
Now, for those with particularly violent flatulence, there is another tool available. The two cheek lift trapeze! The trapeze is an apparatus that includes seat and a long bar that mounts a hanging trapeze within reach above your head. When you feel a cyclone churning, simply pull yourself up by the trapeze, lifting both cheeks at once to vent the harmful gas. Note: Flatulence may create hot air thermals which render returning to your seat impossible. This occurs most often within 8 hours of heartburn or cuisines which would normally induce heartburn. Bonus: Pull ups on the trapeze are a great upper body workout.
Too heavy to lift your own weight but still have gas? Too poor to afford Beano or the trapeze? Take up smoking! Whenever you have to fart, simply get up with the excuse of "going out to have a smoke", releasing your gas as you walk to the door. Make sure to walk slowly so you get ALL your gas out. Once outside, light a smoke and laugh nefariously. Bonus: You are not present when the Salem Witch Hunt for the atmospheric wrongdoer is going on.
Now, there are some cautions that go along hand in hand (cheek in cheek) with the One Cheek Lift. If you have a notorious inclination for wet farts, or a tendency for turds to sneak up on you in the form of farts, the OCL is NOT for you.
But the benefits outweigh the risks tenfold. Never let your flatulence be restrained by the fear of painful burning (Bunsen burner farts). Fart loudly and proudly, and spread forth your scent to the farthest and nicest smelling corners of the Earth.
User Reviews
Submitted by dafreak (user info) at 2004-10-01 05:23:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
that was funny. There is always the laughing fart tho. Laugh ans fart at the same time !
Submitted by mystiamoon (user info) at 2004-04-03 08:26:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by ohlookasquirrel (user info) at 2004-04-01 19:19:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Every time you say "hooray for me" I just want to run up to you and pinch your cheeks and give you a big hug or something.
I do not know why.
Submitted by domenad (user info) at 2004-03-31 19:55:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
The best is when you sneeze and fart at the same time. It's like nature is covering up for you
Submitted by caveman (user info) at 2004-03-31 19:39:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by bart (user info) at 2004-03-31 04:19:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
funny
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2004-03-30 23:12:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
The One Cheek Sneak.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/15434
Submitted by Quartermain (user info) at 2004-03-30 21:17:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I've always heard it as the 'one cheek sneak' too. That was a great segue, by the way.
Submitted by Nator (user info) at 2004-03-30 11:37:32 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
Farting lost it's humorous charm to me.
Submitted by Worm (user info) at 2004-03-30 11:12:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
We always called it the "One cheek sneak".
Hooray for farting.
Submitted by Envenom (user info) at 2004-03-30 11:05:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
+1 for "smoking asshole"
Submitted by lawryde (user info) at 2004-03-30 10:07:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I just did an OCL
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2004-03-30 10:01:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I liked the 'speaking of pussies' line.
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-03-30 10:00:49 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Fart jokes are getting old.
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-03-30 09:56:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by ess2s2 (user info) at 2004-03-30 09:45:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Pretty good, but I didn't laugh as hard as the title led me to believe I would. Very informative.
Submitted by catscradle (user info) at 2004-03-30 09:41:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hooray for me.